先读一下这篇文章。
Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:
10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it
10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it
the gist of it is basically talking about this woman
adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english
me: im pretty sure its fictional
the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about
yea im just telling you the idea right now
10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it
10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it
how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it
10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it
the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill
its not just hers, but also his
she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign
to tell her that theres something wrong
because what’s going to come next?
10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her
shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket
10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else
she has never thought about all these things before the marriage
she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days
maybe some miracle will happen
10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill
maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill
maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it
10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe
she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause
she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is
10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident
she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table
10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test
so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once
and for all
because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks
10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right
after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences
10:55 AM she picked up the bill
at that moment, she felt she just saved a family
the end”
10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything
even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis
10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship
but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone
my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends
because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head
I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.
It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.
It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.
It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.
There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.
When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?
第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。
然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。
我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。
