Long Distance Relationships

As I begin chatting to my childhood friend LinNan on MSN, bits and pieces of the past start to form vivid pictures in my head. The more I talk to her, the more I felt being left out of her world, the world I used to be in, that big yard with those three green buildings, the people living there. I could say that everything was out of my control to begin with. But ultimately, it was me who caused myself to miss out. I miss my grandparents, but I never call them unless there’s an emergency. I miss my dad, but I rarely write emails nowadays. I miss my friends, but I see them online and never talk to them. The thing is, I feel like if I don’t live in that world anymore, there’s no way to fit in just through a phone call, an email, or a brief chat on MSN.

However, I still like to think that we’re somehow connected, closely connected, can’t live without each other connected. If any one of them were taken away from me, I’d still feel equally as sad as if someone who’s currently living in my world being taken away. There is no difference underneath it all. Is there? I couldn’t help but to wonder, do they feel the same? What does it take for a relationship that’s been long held at great distance to remain the same proximity?

I was talking to Adrian yesterday about a long distance relationship that I sort of held responsible for. I introduced the guy to the girl. During that summer, they fell for each other. But guy left Beijing to NY and thus the long distance love affair began. I think ever since the girl told me over webcam that they got engaged, I started to wait for their relationship to fall apart. I’m not saying I wish anything bad to happen to them. I really don’t. She’s one of the closest female friends I have. Yet I couldn’t help but to doubt their relationship. They spend on average 2 months physically together every year and 10months apart but with a phone call on a daily basis. But here they are, four years later they’re still going at it. Is it strong trust in each other that lasted this relationship all these years or is it enormous ignorance? Or perhaps, it’s just because of what they guy said, “they clicked”? I really don’t know.

Perhaps their relationship is like what I described about mine. Even though they don’t live with each other, they still feel somehow connected with each other. Is it fair to define that the shortest distance is the reverse of what Rabindranath Tagore defined as the furthest distance in the world in his poem? I think there’s a debate about whether Tagore wrote it or was it just by 张小涵.. either way the original is not in English so I’ll have to use my judgement to translate the Chinese version I can find into English: The farthest distance does not lie within life or death, cannot be defined in terms of physical locations, it happens when I am standing right in front of you yet you don’t know I love you. It sounds a lot more romantic in Chinese somehow: 世上最遥远的距离,不是生与死的距离,不是天各一方,而是我就站在你面前,你却不知道我爱你.. if I were to state this mathematically, it would be something like this:

Let d = farthest distance, ld = life or death, pl = physical locations, y = the you don’t know factor, then (NOT(ld) AND NOT(pl) AND y) IMP d. I used the brackets for clarity, NOT and AND will be evaluated before IMP even without them. 

After a whole page of scribble, figuring out what the negate of the whole thing is by applying laws of logic, I realized that I simply can’t define NOT(d).. because NOT(d) is not the negate of the whole thing. I need to introduce something else to the equation. So I’m back to square one again.. it turns out I can’t define what the shortest distance is from what the farest distance may be.

As I stare at the coffee blankly, I feel that I should revisit my previous thought before trying to figure out what the shortest distance is. Why does it matter what the shortest distance is? Now it hit me, what I really want to know is when we have pl, is it possible to have NOT(d)? In logic terms: (NOT(d) IMP pl) EQUIV true? To look at the truth table for this, we see that despite what NOT(d) is, if pl is true, the result is true. Thus it is possible, at least by the laws of logic.

QED 🙂

 

Weird Encounter on the Street

So I’m walking Benben around my neighborhood after work. It’s a hot sunny day: the first 27C this summer. I’m wearing a relatively tight t-shirt with knee length shorts. Seriously, nothing revealing. As I walk down the road, I see a guy walking towards me with each of his hands holding on to a kid. One boy, one girl. “Aww, so adorable” I thought to myself while holding Benben back afraid that the kids will be scared of dogs.

As I’m passing him, he commented “Nice Dog.”

I followed by “Thanks.”

“But not as nice as you.”

“Thanks…”

So now I’m thinking in my head.. I should have instead said something like “Cute kids, but not as cute as you.” What was he thinking?? You don’t hit on random girls on the street while walking your kids!

Grrr.. out of all of the weird guys hitting on me on the street, this has got to be one of the top idiots..

Why do girls complain?

Again, I’m not sure why guys complain, because I’m not a guy. But for girls, they don’t complain because they want you to solve their problems. All they want to do is talk.. I’m serious about this.. sometimes they don’t even care about any special form of reply. There’s no need to analyze what they’re talking about. They don’t want you to do anything and they’re not telling you their problems because they think there’s something you can do about it. There are a zillion things you can reply them with, something as trivial as “oh, go eat some candies” would do just fine. What they don’t want to hear is “don’t complain to me, because there’s nothing I can do about it.” You think they don’t know that?

And seriously, there’s no such thing as a girl who doesn’t complain about anything. Even if she’s independent enough, she’ll still complain to you because naturally she just wants someone to listen to her while she’s coping with her problems. There’s really no need to get pissed/upset/emo about the fact that you can’t do anything to help her out. Have a little faith in her and believe that things will be better for her sooner or later.

 

Acting Nonchalant

Just recently I discovered some of my friends’ interesting mate selections. The reason I used the term mate is because they don’t seem to focus on one girl per say, so it’s really not that romantic. On top of that, they never really succeeded to the part where they get to date the girl so I guess I can’t call it dating selection. They become physically attracted to a girl, then starts the chasing without rationally thinking through whether if it could become a feasible relationship. As a result, they rarely succeed.

It got me thinking, what is the real reason behind this obsessive desperation towards the opposite sex? Is it just because they haven’t been with a girl long enough to call it a relationship? Is it due to friends who are currently involved, thus peer pressure? I couldn’t really justify it because I’m a girl. I can only speculate about why a girl wants to be involved in a relationship because she’ll feel insecure being single and such. But that’s usually based on one to one. Unlike how the guys are doing it.. sampling multiples on their plate.

I’d say from a logical perspective, the more you go after the higher the success rate would be. Although I’m not sure if this statistic theory is practical in real life dating cycle. I can see why some girls would prefer the guy to be a little desperate before they hit it off. Their way of thinking goes like this: if he’s desperate, he’ll appreciate me more and our love will thus be more passionate. Hmm.. I’m not exactly certain that it would go like that. Because think about it, if he was truly desperate, wouldn’t it mean he doesn’t care who he’s with in the first place? Perhaps the girl who he hit it off with was just one out of a zillion he sees potentials in? In other words, she’s not that special to him. Even worse, he might think that this girl is not as good as the others because she actually fell for him. I know this hypothetical guy sounds like an ass right now, but the truth is guys like that do exist.

The idea of just wanting someone, doesn’t matter who existed a long time ago. In fact, that’s pretty much how most of our parents became our parents back then. To them, it was the right time to get married, so they are being matched with someone either through friends or coworkers. Not exactly sure how it happens through western culture, but this is certainly similar to arranged marriages in South Asia. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Instead of trusting fate and your own encounters in daily life (which isn’t a lot since they don’t get to meet new people on a daily basis), you trust people around you to give you available suggestions. Back then, they usually just meet one person and that would be it.

Nowadays, it seems to me that being ready to get married became being ready to get involved, thus there’s a noticeable age shift. But the idea of doesn’t care to be with whom still persists. I’m sure my way of rationalizing single guys in my generation wouldn’t apply to everyone, but at least it fills up my own curiosity.

I do have one advice for actually getting a girl though. That would be to act nonchalant. But the sad part is I highly doubt any of the guys would be willing to admit that they’re desperate. They may not even know that they are..  

 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

SAD is a type of depression that many people have probably heard of but never really knew that it had a title. I’d just simplify it as a stronger version of winter blues. I never even heard of the disorder until my coworker told me about it last coop term. In fact, I never thought it applies to other people. She told me that she has it and she feels that I may have it as well. She noticed that I always feel depressed on grey days. Her recommendation is to consult with doctors in UW, because family doctors usually don’t know about it or don’t really buy into it. But I didn’t bother to check with the doctor because summer is coming and quite frankly I was just being lazy as usual.

Just recently I realized that it may not be SAD that I’m having. It’s not really seasonal, but rather the amount of sunshine I encounter during the day. I don’t feel particularly upset during winter when it’s sunny, yet I do feel depressed even when it’s warming up but gloomy outside my window. Another symptomI noticed is that I can’t breath when the air pressure is low. This one night in Waterloo I was just studying/reading things on my bed, then gradually I just felt really uncomfortable. I felt like there’s something pressing against my chest, which makes me really uncomfortable even to the extent of throwing up. I walked around the room, opening up every window and the sliding doors to the balcony. I stood outside in my pjs for a while and still no signs of recovery. I went back to my room and talked to Jenny about it. She told me that there’s a rain storm coming. This is not the first time that I’ve felt like this, but definitely one of the stronger times. It seems like I feel like this when the air pressure is really low (usually before a storm on a grey day..or night).

All of this would led me to today’s story. This morning was just like any other mornings at home. Mom and I both woke up at around the same time preparing to go to work. She sounded happy and I sounded blue. She was whistling tones while I was hustlingthe dog. It was a grey morning so I felt like I needed more sleep and waking up just made me depressed. As I was walking down the road to the bus stop, I tripped and fell on the ground. Both hands were bleeding. The weird part is that even though I felt some physical pain, my mood changed. I no longer feel depressed and nauseous. Hmm.. could it be that my body detected the pain so the brain released endorphins which act as my body’s natural pain relief? The pain relief was not strong enough to take away the physical pain from my hands, but it did help taking away my depressing thoughts. This was just a theory I read about, never knew it’d take effect on my own body. Interesting, eh?

Something I found that’s kind of related.  

 

————————————————–

 

Just a reminder: save up lunch money and donate it for China Earthquake Relief Fund.

I’m not a saint. If it didn’t happen in China, I probably wouldn’t have donated. I didn’t have a strong impact because I was relieved to know that no one I know is actually suffering through it. But despite all that, I still feel I should donate, spread the word, at least do something that’s within my reach. With the help of online donation sites, you’re only clicks away.

 

我是一个别扭的小孩

我是一个别扭的小孩,这我是一直都知道的。

上幼儿园全托所的时候我曾因为讨厌奶奶特地为我缝的枕头而不开心。我在想啊,为什么奶奶这么会折磨人,在枕头里放了这么多豆子呢。所以我趁没人睡觉的时候偷偷地从另一张床上偷了一个放了棉花的枕头。虽然当时年纪很小,但已经懂得做贼心虚的道理。也懂得随便拿人家一个枕头是绝对会被发现的。所以我把两个枕头的枕套换了一下然后把自己的枕头留给了人家。幸好睡在那张床上的孩子比较迟钝,没有发觉枕头的秘密。自从这件事情之后我就发觉到做贼其实很好玩,而且还可以瞒过所有人。但是很快的我就发觉自己实在是太天真了。

在幼儿园午休的时候我总是睡不着。但是会有老师逼着我们睡觉,所以不得不躺在床上意思意思。有一次我实在忍不住了,就侧过身子盯着幼儿园灰黑色的水泥地板。我盯着盯着就鬼迷了心窍。我开始在地上吐口水。我真的一点儿恶意也没有,只是单纯的无聊。我看着口水把浅灰色的水泥地板染成了深黑色,十分地有成就感。于是继续吐,越吐越开心。直到我床边已经被污染了一大片我才发觉到如果这个时候老师进来可不得了了。然后我就开始拿自己的鞋子在地上涂啊涂啊,希望把口水摊开就可以快些晒干。但是老天爷明显没有照顾到我幼小的心灵,所以老师在我还没掩盖好自己的恶行之前就走了进来。我连忙闭上眼睛装睡,在心底呐喊不要过来啊老师千万不要过来啊。但是没有人听到我的呐喊,只听老师在我耳边叫我的名字。我继续装睡,继续呐喊老师快走啊我在睡觉啊。但是还是没人听到。老师开始拍打我的脸蛋,发出了pia pia的声音。我感到自己大难临头,脸颊火辣辣地烧着。老师把我拉了起来,我虽然站在床上被老师拉来拉去,仍然拒绝睁开眼睛。我依旧别扭地在心里呐喊我在睡觉啊老师。我不记得最后怎样了,不过反正老师并没有听到我的呐喊,坚持戳破我没有睡觉的无声谎言。

嗯,大概就是那个时候吧。我发觉自己胆大包天,但是往往承受不了后果。下场就是笨拙地以幼稚的方法掩护自己,并且在心里别扭地说着谎话。有时候甚至会别扭地把谎话说出来给大人们听。最后通常都会死得很惨。

在中国上小学,勾心斗角的事情比在加拿大上小学要多多了。记得当时自己很喜欢这种勾心斗角,因为很刺激呀。我曾经干过一些现在想起来都觉得不适合小学生干的邪恶事情。咳,也不是邪恶,但反正不纯洁就是了,而且还瞒过了一票人。现在长大了反省一下希望以后不会有太大的恶报。名字我就不要在这里说明了吧。。。

小学的时候中午都会有小饭桌,也就是同学们统一在学校吃饭所以不必自己带饭。那时候一个月要给学校交72块钱的伙食费。(不要问我为什么会记得这么清楚,因为我也不知道。)但是因为爷爷自己很喜欢零食,当然也是因为爷爷很宠我,所以每天都会为我准备不同的零食在午餐的时候吃。班上几乎没有人有这样的待遇(在我的印象里似乎没有)。我带了吃的总是会跟班上另外两个很要好的朋友一起分配。带一个巧克力派,我们就一分为三;带一袋锅巴,我们就平均分成三份儿;带一包糖,我们就……you get the idea..听起来是不错的孩子吧,懂得分享。但是我要坦白的是我曾经做了一件很不好的事情。有天课休的功夫我回教室拿个什么东西,看到另外一个女孩的包里放了一盒糖。我当时心里就在想,每天自己带吃的都要分,真是不公平啊,如果把她的拿走了就可以多一份可以分了,这样自己可以分到的就更多了!然后又在想,啊不对啊,如果拿了她的糖,我就不用分了,自己都吃掉该多好啊,这样就有一又一分之三了!就变成另外两个人的四倍了呢。然后我就拿了她的糖,放在自己的包里了。

啊,很邪恶吧,我有点儿不想写了,就让它成为心里的秘密吧。

不行,一定要写出来,否则报应会来的。

但是我可能天生就不是会独吞的料,所以午餐的时候我竟然把自己带的跟自己偷的都拿出来了分享。我其实到现在都在后悔自己当时怎么那么笨呢。而且好死不死的,那个女孩竟然看到我在分赃。我记得她当时还哭了,说我偷了她的糖。我当时整个人都慌了,也不知道该说什么好。但是两个朋友竟然异口同声地为我辩护,说我不可能去拿她的。而且说我每天都带,怎么可能去偷她的糖呢。他们左一说右一说的,让我自己也感觉良好了起来,也觉得自己没有去偷她的糖。我甚至还心安理得地把偷来的糖分成了四份,每个人分一份。那个女孩后来感觉很惭愧,说一定是自己不知道把糖放在哪里了,看到一样的糖就栽赃我所以很对不起我。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊,我是不是会下地狱啊啊。。。

不过如果是说报应的话,我应该已经尝到了。后来在温哥华继续小学的时候我被同学偷了。而且不止一回。我后来真的很害怕这位同学。我觉得自己之前只是一只很小很小的小鬼,但是这位同学却是一只道行很高很高的妖精呀。其实我后来总结了一下,自己是很容易被偷的。我记性不好,容易丢三落四,而且个性太单纯了,人家说什么我信什么。

我仍然记得我第一天去上学的时候有多么的忐忑不安。不要说别的了,就是语言我也听不懂。我看到爸爸跟老师说话就感觉爸爸在把我卖给这个白头发的老女人一样。我记得我是带着一本小型中英字典去上学的。当我做下来了之后发觉自己就跟在中国的幼儿园差不多,大家的座位就跟在幼儿园玩儿团团坐吃果果的游戏一样三三五五扎蹲儿的排列。我一开始没有座位,就在教室后面临时的课桌上坐着,把字典放在桌子上,两眼无神地呆坐着。我记得那只妖精,哦不,那个同学在第一天就过来跟我说话。其实我听懂她说什么了,她问我需不需要帮助。我心里想我现在没事儿可干,但也不至于陷入困境当中吧。但我的样子可能太呆了,所以她把英文的help在字典里找了出来给我。如果我们在拍电影,这就应该是我们的邂逅吧。

但没过多久我就发觉她是只妖精。老师把她安排在了我座位的旁边。我首次发现她是妖精是因为她偷了我的笔。被我发现后她在笔上用涂改液涂了一道,然后指给我看说你看,你的上面没有白白的吧,这是我的才有。我当时没买她面子,说我看到你在上面涂了。其实我没看到,只是猜的。我觉得因为自己是小鬼所以懂得妖精的心里动态,所以就猜到她会这么做去掩饰自己的恶行。我猜得特别准,我马上看到她眼神开始闪烁,开始编谎。我心里有点儿过意不去,觉得不就是一杆笔么,有什么大不了的呀,就算是我给她的好了。于是我装作听不懂她说话,开始自己在金字典上面玩游戏。金字典是当时的后妈(现在的前任后妈)买的电子词典。由于是上面是中文操作系统,所以她根本看不懂我也懒得理她。

对于妖精的放纵的下场就是妖精对我的变本加厉。她后来变得什么都偷,糖,护唇膏,橡皮泥,手工玩具等等。后来比较严重的一次是我在家忽然后妈问我要金字典查东西,我才发觉自己找不到。被爸爸训了一顿后我告诉爸爸应该落在学校了。第二天到学校我找了好久都找不到,真正开始慌了。结果第二天妖精于心不忍告诉我她在某某地方捡到了。这当然是谎言,捡到了怎么不还给我呢,这又不是一杆笔可以说以为是别人的。不过无所谓了,反正金字典与她只是破铜烂铁,与我可是很重要的宝贝。我还是很感谢她还给了我。不过从那天开始我就把金字典还给后妈了。我开始觉得自己不能拥有太昂贵的东西,甚至不能对身外之物有太多的感情,否则失去会是一件很难过的事情。

学校每年都会在夏天组织卖巧克力。我现在想起来其实就是不用付钱的童工。我也不明白为什么大家那么想给学校卖巧克力。哦对了,我想起来,似乎是卖完一袋子就可以参加抽奖,一袋子就相当于一票。头奖是自行车。我跟当时同班的好朋友一起参加了。我卖了大概有两袋子吧。我把钱、中午饭票、跟自带的巧克力棒糖都放在了午饭包里。我的午饭包很可爱,印有加菲猫图案。(我不知道为什么要加这么一句,我只是忽然回想了起来觉得有必要提一下,但其实跟要讲的故事是没有关联的。)午饭的时候我打开一看,所有的东西都没有了。我当时整个人慌了,本来阳光灿烂的一天突然阴沉了起来。那天回家我不知道该如何是好所以就跟后妈的爸爸撒谎说学校需要个什么费用要多少多少钱。我没跟爸爸跟后妈要因为感觉后妈的爸爸比较好骗。(我也不知道当时自己的逻辑为什么会这样。)

一个星期过后,我跟好朋友在我同桌,也就是妖精的抽屉里发现了残留的钱,跟吃了一半儿的巧克力糖。我们翻她的抽屉是因为她那天用我的饭票买饭。我以小鬼对妖精的直觉察觉那是自己的饭票。当时老师总会因为孩子表现突出而给免费饭票,饭票一般都是不同颜色的,大概有五、六种。妖精那天用的饭票颜色恰恰就是我不见了的那张。她当时抽屉里剩下的钱大概有三分之一,我就都拿走了。这也是被好友支持的。我们坚信老师不会为我们做主,所以就自己做主了。

那只妖精后来转学了,转学的原因是因为她偷老师的钱被老师发现了。告诉我们的那个女生还跟我们说她早就发觉那个同学不对劲儿了。我在心里暗暗地想,狗屁啊是我最先察觉到这只妖精的存在的!

小学最后一年的某日老师在班里遗憾地告诉我们那只妖精因为奶奶过世所以要跟唯一的姐姐进领养所。我当时突然觉得这一切都有了答案。也突然觉得一直包容妖精是应该的。妖精原来没有父母,一直跟姐姐还有奶奶生活。也许生活不是很好吧所以才要偷东西。我认为可有可无的在她眼里可能是很了不得的东西吧。其实我都无从得知。但我一直以来都没有怨恨过妖精,只是有点儿怕她。就是那种以道行比我高的态度来仰视她。老师给我们的新闻就好像照妖镜一样,让我发觉妖精的原型其实是个可怜的孩子。

我在想啊,说谎不是我的错,其实一直都不是的。是让我有说谎念头的大人们的错。为什么我从小就觉得不能够跟他们坦白交代呢?是的,我想我直到现在都是一个别扭的小孩。我永远都不会勇于承认错误。被抓到弱点后永远都会笨拙地掩饰自己然后被严酷地剥夺说谎的权利。

偷偷地告诉你吧,其实我现在仍然动不动就说谎。比如妈妈回家后问我吃了没有,我会骗她说吃了。但往往最后仍然会被拉来一起吃。我常常想如果她无论我回答什么都会拉我吃饭那么还问我干什么呢。不懂大人的世界啊我。