Long Distance Relationships

As I begin chatting to my childhood friend LinNan on MSN, bits and pieces of the past start to form vivid pictures in my head. The more I talk to her, the more I felt being left out of her world, the world I used to be in, that big yard with those three green buildings, the people living there. I could say that everything was out of my control to begin with. But ultimately, it was me who caused myself to miss out. I miss my grandparents, but I never call them unless there’s an emergency. I miss my dad, but I rarely write emails nowadays. I miss my friends, but I see them online and never talk to them. The thing is, I feel like if I don’t live in that world anymore, there’s no way to fit in just through a phone call, an email, or a brief chat on MSN.

However, I still like to think that we’re somehow connected, closely connected, can’t live without each other connected. If any one of them were taken away from me, I’d still feel equally as sad as if someone who’s currently living in my world being taken away. There is no difference underneath it all. Is there? I couldn’t help but to wonder, do they feel the same? What does it take for a relationship that’s been long held at great distance to remain the same proximity?

I was talking to Adrian yesterday about a long distance relationship that I sort of held responsible for. I introduced the guy to the girl. During that summer, they fell for each other. But guy left Beijing to NY and thus the long distance love affair began. I think ever since the girl told me over webcam that they got engaged, I started to wait for their relationship to fall apart. I’m not saying I wish anything bad to happen to them. I really don’t. She’s one of the closest female friends I have. Yet I couldn’t help but to doubt their relationship. They spend on average 2 months physically together every year and 10months apart but with a phone call on a daily basis. But here they are, four years later they’re still going at it. Is it strong trust in each other that lasted this relationship all these years or is it enormous ignorance? Or perhaps, it’s just because of what they guy said, “they clicked”? I really don’t know.

Perhaps their relationship is like what I described about mine. Even though they don’t live with each other, they still feel somehow connected with each other. Is it fair to define that the shortest distance is the reverse of what Rabindranath Tagore defined as the furthest distance in the world in his poem? I think there’s a debate about whether Tagore wrote it or was it just by 张小涵.. either way the original is not in English so I’ll have to use my judgement to translate the Chinese version I can find into English: The farthest distance does not lie within life or death, cannot be defined in terms of physical locations, it happens when I am standing right in front of you yet you don’t know I love you. It sounds a lot more romantic in Chinese somehow: 世上最遥远的距离,不是生与死的距离,不是天各一方,而是我就站在你面前,你却不知道我爱你.. if I were to state this mathematically, it would be something like this:

Let d = farthest distance, ld = life or death, pl = physical locations, y = the you don’t know factor, then (NOT(ld) AND NOT(pl) AND y) IMP d. I used the brackets for clarity, NOT and AND will be evaluated before IMP even without them. 

After a whole page of scribble, figuring out what the negate of the whole thing is by applying laws of logic, I realized that I simply can’t define NOT(d).. because NOT(d) is not the negate of the whole thing. I need to introduce something else to the equation. So I’m back to square one again.. it turns out I can’t define what the shortest distance is from what the farest distance may be.

As I stare at the coffee blankly, I feel that I should revisit my previous thought before trying to figure out what the shortest distance is. Why does it matter what the shortest distance is? Now it hit me, what I really want to know is when we have pl, is it possible to have NOT(d)? In logic terms: (NOT(d) IMP pl) EQUIV true? To look at the truth table for this, we see that despite what NOT(d) is, if pl is true, the result is true. Thus it is possible, at least by the laws of logic.



Weird Encounter on the Street

So I’m walking Benben around my neighborhood after work. It’s a hot sunny day: the first 27C this summer. I’m wearing a relatively tight t-shirt with knee length shorts. Seriously, nothing revealing. As I walk down the road, I see a guy walking towards me with each of his hands holding on to a kid. One boy, one girl. “Aww, so adorable” I thought to myself while holding Benben back afraid that the kids will be scared of dogs.

As I’m passing him, he commented “Nice Dog.”

I followed by “Thanks.”

“But not as nice as you.”


So now I’m thinking in my head.. I should have instead said something like “Cute kids, but not as cute as you.” What was he thinking?? You don’t hit on random girls on the street while walking your kids!

Grrr.. out of all of the weird guys hitting on me on the street, this has got to be one of the top idiots..

Why do girls complain?

Again, I’m not sure why guys complain, because I’m not a guy. But for girls, they don’t complain because they want you to solve their problems. All they want to do is talk.. I’m serious about this.. sometimes they don’t even care about any special form of reply. There’s no need to analyze what they’re talking about. They don’t want you to do anything and they’re not telling you their problems because they think there’s something you can do about it. There are a zillion things you can reply them with, something as trivial as “oh, go eat some candies” would do just fine. What they don’t want to hear is “don’t complain to me, because there’s nothing I can do about it.” You think they don’t know that?

And seriously, there’s no such thing as a girl who doesn’t complain about anything. Even if she’s independent enough, she’ll still complain to you because naturally she just wants someone to listen to her while she’s coping with her problems. There’s really no need to get pissed/upset/emo about the fact that you can’t do anything to help her out. Have a little faith in her and believe that things will be better for her sooner or later.


Acting Nonchalant

Just recently I discovered some of my friends’ interesting mate selections. The reason I used the term mate is because they don’t seem to focus on one girl per say, so it’s really not that romantic. On top of that, they never really succeeded to the part where they get to date the girl so I guess I can’t call it dating selection. They become physically attracted to a girl, then starts the chasing without rationally thinking through whether if it could become a feasible relationship. As a result, they rarely succeed.

It got me thinking, what is the real reason behind this obsessive desperation towards the opposite sex? Is it just because they haven’t been with a girl long enough to call it a relationship? Is it due to friends who are currently involved, thus peer pressure? I couldn’t really justify it because I’m a girl. I can only speculate about why a girl wants to be involved in a relationship because she’ll feel insecure being single and such. But that’s usually based on one to one. Unlike how the guys are doing it.. sampling multiples on their plate.

I’d say from a logical perspective, the more you go after the higher the success rate would be. Although I’m not sure if this statistic theory is practical in real life dating cycle. I can see why some girls would prefer the guy to be a little desperate before they hit it off. Their way of thinking goes like this: if he’s desperate, he’ll appreciate me more and our love will thus be more passionate. Hmm.. I’m not exactly certain that it would go like that. Because think about it, if he was truly desperate, wouldn’t it mean he doesn’t care who he’s with in the first place? Perhaps the girl who he hit it off with was just one out of a zillion he sees potentials in? In other words, she’s not that special to him. Even worse, he might think that this girl is not as good as the others because she actually fell for him. I know this hypothetical guy sounds like an ass right now, but the truth is guys like that do exist.

The idea of just wanting someone, doesn’t matter who existed a long time ago. In fact, that’s pretty much how most of our parents became our parents back then. To them, it was the right time to get married, so they are being matched with someone either through friends or coworkers. Not exactly sure how it happens through western culture, but this is certainly similar to arranged marriages in South Asia. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Instead of trusting fate and your own encounters in daily life (which isn’t a lot since they don’t get to meet new people on a daily basis), you trust people around you to give you available suggestions. Back then, they usually just meet one person and that would be it.

Nowadays, it seems to me that being ready to get married became being ready to get involved, thus there’s a noticeable age shift. But the idea of doesn’t care to be with whom still persists. I’m sure my way of rationalizing single guys in my generation wouldn’t apply to everyone, but at least it fills up my own curiosity.

I do have one advice for actually getting a girl though. That would be to act nonchalant. But the sad part is I highly doubt any of the guys would be willing to admit that they’re desperate. They may not even know that they are..  


Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

SAD is a type of depression that many people have probably heard of but never really knew that it had a title. I’d just simplify it as a stronger version of winter blues. I never even heard of the disorder until my coworker told me about it last coop term. In fact, I never thought it applies to other people. She told me that she has it and she feels that I may have it as well. She noticed that I always feel depressed on grey days. Her recommendation is to consult with doctors in UW, because family doctors usually don’t know about it or don’t really buy into it. But I didn’t bother to check with the doctor because summer is coming and quite frankly I was just being lazy as usual.

Just recently I realized that it may not be SAD that I’m having. It’s not really seasonal, but rather the amount of sunshine I encounter during the day. I don’t feel particularly upset during winter when it’s sunny, yet I do feel depressed even when it’s warming up but gloomy outside my window. Another symptomI noticed is that I can’t breath when the air pressure is low. This one night in Waterloo I was just studying/reading things on my bed, then gradually I just felt really uncomfortable. I felt like there’s something pressing against my chest, which makes me really uncomfortable even to the extent of throwing up. I walked around the room, opening up every window and the sliding doors to the balcony. I stood outside in my pjs for a while and still no signs of recovery. I went back to my room and talked to Jenny about it. She told me that there’s a rain storm coming. This is not the first time that I’ve felt like this, but definitely one of the stronger times. It seems like I feel like this when the air pressure is really low (usually before a storm on a grey day..or night).

All of this would led me to today’s story. This morning was just like any other mornings at home. Mom and I both woke up at around the same time preparing to go to work. She sounded happy and I sounded blue. She was whistling tones while I was hustlingthe dog. It was a grey morning so I felt like I needed more sleep and waking up just made me depressed. As I was walking down the road to the bus stop, I tripped and fell on the ground. Both hands were bleeding. The weird part is that even though I felt some physical pain, my mood changed. I no longer feel depressed and nauseous. Hmm.. could it be that my body detected the pain so the brain released endorphins which act as my body’s natural pain relief? The pain relief was not strong enough to take away the physical pain from my hands, but it did help taking away my depressing thoughts. This was just a theory I read about, never knew it’d take effect on my own body. Interesting, eh?

Something I found that’s kind of related.  




Just a reminder: save up lunch money and donate it for China Earthquake Relief Fund.

I’m not a saint. If it didn’t happen in China, I probably wouldn’t have donated. I didn’t have a strong impact because I was relieved to know that no one I know is actually suffering through it. But despite all that, I still feel I should donate, spread the word, at least do something that’s within my reach. With the help of online donation sites, you’re only clicks away.





在幼儿园午休的时候我总是睡不着。但是会有老师逼着我们睡觉,所以不得不躺在床上意思意思。有一次我实在忍不住了,就侧过身子盯着幼儿园灰黑色的水泥地板。我盯着盯着就鬼迷了心窍。我开始在地上吐口水。我真的一点儿恶意也没有,只是单纯的无聊。我看着口水把浅灰色的水泥地板染成了深黑色,十分地有成就感。于是继续吐,越吐越开心。直到我床边已经被污染了一大片我才发觉到如果这个时候老师进来可不得了了。然后我就开始拿自己的鞋子在地上涂啊涂啊,希望把口水摊开就可以快些晒干。但是老天爷明显没有照顾到我幼小的心灵,所以老师在我还没掩盖好自己的恶行之前就走了进来。我连忙闭上眼睛装睡,在心底呐喊不要过来啊老师千万不要过来啊。但是没有人听到我的呐喊,只听老师在我耳边叫我的名字。我继续装睡,继续呐喊老师快走啊我在睡觉啊。但是还是没人听到。老师开始拍打我的脸蛋,发出了pia pia的声音。我感到自己大难临头,脸颊火辣辣地烧着。老师把我拉了起来,我虽然站在床上被老师拉来拉去,仍然拒绝睁开眼睛。我依旧别扭地在心里呐喊我在睡觉啊老师。我不记得最后怎样了,不过反正老师并没有听到我的呐喊,坚持戳破我没有睡觉的无声谎言。



小学的时候中午都会有小饭桌,也就是同学们统一在学校吃饭所以不必自己带饭。那时候一个月要给学校交72块钱的伙食费。(不要问我为什么会记得这么清楚,因为我也不知道。)但是因为爷爷自己很喜欢零食,当然也是因为爷爷很宠我,所以每天都会为我准备不同的零食在午餐的时候吃。班上几乎没有人有这样的待遇(在我的印象里似乎没有)。我带了吃的总是会跟班上另外两个很要好的朋友一起分配。带一个巧克力派,我们就一分为三;带一袋锅巴,我们就平均分成三份儿;带一包糖,我们就……you get the idea..听起来是不错的孩子吧,懂得分享。但是我要坦白的是我曾经做了一件很不好的事情。有天课休的功夫我回教室拿个什么东西,看到另外一个女孩的包里放了一盒糖。我当时心里就在想,每天自己带吃的都要分,真是不公平啊,如果把她的拿走了就可以多一份可以分了,这样自己可以分到的就更多了!然后又在想,啊不对啊,如果拿了她的糖,我就不用分了,自己都吃掉该多好啊,这样就有一又一分之三了!就变成另外两个人的四倍了呢。然后我就拿了她的糖,放在自己的包里了。