My response to “Are Women Vampires?”

I went across this blog entry from Lynn’s blog – “Are Women Vampires?” I believe it’s written by one of her friends.

I find it sad how after so many freaking centuries, it seems like men still feel women evolve around them. Despite whether he’s stating the truth or not, despite whether women are or are not vampires, despite if women go for personalities or wealth, the bottom line is, women go for men. It’s not the fact that he feels “women are money-grubbing, blood-sucking, materialistic vampires that use sex as a weapon and turn men into zombies” that ticks me off, it’s the fact that he feels women seem to have this unbearable need to be with men that ticks me off. He’s under an invisible assumption that women need to be with men. This leads me to think, do women need men more so than men need women? I couldn’t help but to wonder, why are men so full of themselves? Don’t even try to deny it, the concept of men > women is pretty much embedded in our society. I don’t even want to discuss that topic because it seems useless to talk about it. (It’d be an interesting topic, but I just don’t feel like writing about it.)

I don’t want to and will not comment on whether I agree with his statement of women target men who are wealthy more so than men with personalities. I just want to say that if women do go for men who are more successful than they are in every other way, the relationship simply won’t work out. Despite you are a man or a woman, you’d still have some degree of dignity, so how would you feel if you are under a roof with someone who does everything better than you? There has to be some balance, the woman has to be better in some aspects that the man simply cannot match. I also don’t believe that successful women only go for even more successful men because if they are already superior in that aspect, they’d view being successful as something that’s trivial. For example, I don’t think I’d be very attracted to some guy who’s good at painting, I’d see him as a threat, because it’d make me want to draw something that’s even better. Whereas if he excels in music, I’d probably feel he’s very talented and thus attractive. This works the same way in making money in my opinion. Just take a look at the successful women in the TV series “Cashmere Mafia“. I feel the reason women go for successful men is because the ones who do go for them are the ones who aren’t good at being successful themselves! I can only imagine myself going after a man simply because he makes a lot of money if I am bad at keeping up with a lifestyle that I cannot afford. Thus I will need to rely on marrying rich to satisfy my urges. I believe this is true for every woman. I also believe that with the rise of equalities in work fields and study fields (even more encouraging for women in many fields) that this will soon be changed! Women with ideas will soon realize that they no longer need to rely on men for such urges, thus will not see that as a primary criteria for mate selection. This also indicates that my opinion on his statement relies on whether I believe all women have urges for a lifestyle they cannot afford. (You can judge whether I believe that’s true or not.)

On the ride back to Toronto, Mark mentioned that if a guy does not watch TV and does not play games, then he must be awesome. I then mentioned that Jim was like that but he’s not awesome. (I’m very bitter, yes I know.) This sort of relate to “successful men”, which is why I’m bringing it up. I told Mark that Jim focuses on school and work to keep himself busy. When he’s in school, he tries hard to keep his grades up and goes to the gym regularily when he’s not busy with course load. During coop terms, since he is very career driven, he’s chosen to work on the trading floor thus getting very little time for himself. 12 hours of work was fairly typical. He simply has no time to watch neither TV shows nor being addicted to some online game. If he keeps this up, by this, I mean being determined and being career driven, he’d be pretty successful, right? (In terms of making money strictly.) I guess the chance of him being making top cash is questionable, but I’d say there’s no way in hell that he’d be making below average salary. (He has a supportive family, both emotionally and financially.) But our relationship didn’t work out and it’s pretty much because he is so keen on being successful in the future. Well, not quite, but I feel it has something to do with it. Perhaps it’s because that he feels the need to excel in that area more so than relationship that brought an end to us. Ultimately, there wasn’t enough care devoted strictly to our relationship compared with the rest. I think that there will be a woman out there to drive him crazy though, it just wasn’t me. When a guy can still deduce logical statements to argue that you are wrong, even when you are crying, you know he’s not the one. I guess I learned that the hard way. But I did learn to counter argue while I’m in emotional distress, so I guess it’s true that you do learn something in everything.

So now, as I revisit my first paragraph, I realize that I’m a bit carried away as I encountered the Jim topic. (It’s the first time I wrote about it after the breakup. I find the very fact that we can still casually chat on MSN an indication of weak bond while dating.) I guess the bottom line is – I believe in common interest and opposite attract, but I don’t believe that women are vampires. Because based on my belief, if women are vampires, then so are men. When women are desperate for love, there will always be more men desperate to get laid (with or without love). The need is mutual and the attraction is mutual. QED.

旧文

回忆的匣子

两个星期的圣诞长假。好不容易躲过学校的那群朋友,指望暖暖的窝在电脑屏前。看着窗口外面的天色。明灭晨昏。这样的轮回不停上演。我看不到游人们溢于言表的快乐。却能够想象融融的温暖充斥大街小巷。也许节日本身并不意味什么。却能够让这个麻木寂寞的城市获得短暂的复苏。

突然间想写封家书。突然间好想念你们。

小时候的我曾一度被你们宠爱,溺爱到身在福中不知福。

记得小时候,很小的时候,小到我不记得自己当时有几岁。爸爸到美国去了,妈妈因为工作不能照顾我,所以打从我刚刚开始懂得记住事情就开始跟爷爷奶奶住。我有一间属于自己的宝贝屋子。记得刚开始的时候不习惯,所以晚上睡不着觉问爷爷奶奶要妈妈。爷爷奶奶会告诉我她晚上会回来跟我一起睡的,但是早上我起不来所以妈妈会先去上班。我曾经很害怕,所以晚上会努力不让自己合上眼睛等她回来跟自己一起睡觉。渐渐长大后发现其实妈妈不住这里,只有周末才来接我。

爸,其实我到现在都不知道你跟妈什么时候离的婚。翻过奶奶的旧相册,几乎找不到你我她三人的照片。也许照片是回忆的一道缺口。那里面,承载了太多的岁月。厚重得不行。也许小时候在我心里早就知道你们离婚了却不肯承认,直到那天晚上妈告诉我。哭了一夜。说什么不在乎,都是假的。我是真的无所谓,但是有时仍会抱怨。抱怨为什么会看到妈去亲吻另一个男人;抱怨为什么我会有无数个家。妈其实很幼稚,她也许也很懵懂。记得我回国时在衣柜里翻找儿时的记忆,发现一本老旧的牛皮纸工作日记本。里面稚嫩的笔记写着对妈的忏悔:“妈妈,我真的爱你啊,我不知道你为什么不停地哭,我真的爱你啊。”我已经不记得是为什么了,只是眼泪突然忍不住滑落下来。

我很怕别人问我爱妈妈多一些还是爱爸爸多一些,一直到现在仍是一样。

小学一年级。我有了第一块手表。有了每隔一天1元的零用钱。那些对一个小学生来说已然是财富。爷爷奶奶真的很宠爱我,把我当家里的宝贝看待。每天早上奶奶都会把热好的牛奶跟早点准备好等我起床。戴上小黄帽,别上红领巾,爷爷骑车送我上下学,几年来没有一次例外。我好怕你们会离我而去,我已经在哭了,孙女儿真是没用。我清楚地记得10岁那年夏天,你们带我去八一湖。在走过桥洞时,奶奶告诉我这次去温哥华爸爸可能就不带我回来了。我当时脑袋嗡嗡地响,一边往桥下跑一边嚷嚷。我不记得当时在抱怨什么。那天夜里我睡不着,偷偷爬到爷爷奶奶屋子这边,我听到奶奶在哭,爷爷沉默不语。我很怕,所以跑回自己的屋子。

也许来到加拿大是我这一生对我最好的决定,但是我永远也忘不了奶奶的眼泪。就连小时候的我撒谎不懂事儿被爷爷打都没见过奶奶哭。

我好想爷爷,我最担心的就是他。老天爷不可能夺走那么善良那么正直的人,就算老天爷再想念爷爷也不能把他夺走。没有比这更可怕的事情了。

每个星期天,妈妈跟我都会拎着大包小包儿的吃的到二舅妈家去。每次都要坐1个多小时的公共汽车。二舅妈也许是最能宠我的人了。我爱吃瓜子,你就会帮我剥一小杯等着我来吃;我爱做手工,你就会学好多好多的技巧来陪我做。小时候挑食儿,不懂得珍惜你辛辛苦苦为我跟妈妈做的饭菜,曾经被二舅骂得很惨。爱记仇的我曾经因此害怕跟二舅说话。现在感觉自己好活该。妈妈跟我都受你照顾,我们俩都很混,不懂得回报。等多多长大回国一定会好好孝敬你,嘿嘿,或者替你去法国把潇潇哥哥拎回来。

二舅妈,二舅妈,多多真的很想你。我又开始哭了。。

直到现在温哥华的那4年仍然是我生活里最难忘的4年。爸爸不太会照顾别人。嗯,不能这么说,只能说你不太会表达出你的FEELINGS。嘿嘿,记得你曾经讨厌我在家说英文?只要我吐出一个英文字儿你就会变得很生气很生气?我当时哪里知道你是为了我好,我只会很怕你,怕惹你生气。渐渐的,我做的所有事情似乎都是为了你而非为了自己,而你让我做的所有事情却都是为了我。但现在我知道了,知道你给我下过的那些命令统统都是因为你爱我,你在乎我,你希望我能长大、懂事儿、变得有出息。爸,女儿爱你,不光因为你为我做的这些那些,只是因为你是我爸爸。我眼睛又红了,这封信浪费了我很多泪水。

爸,你应该庆幸自己娶了个好娇娘。如果不是因为她,你我的4年会变得很恐怖。10岁到14岁对一个女孩子来说是很尴尬的成长阶段。如果没有妈,你可能会很费劲很费劲都解释不出月经是什么东西。妈妈在我身上浪费的唇舌也许远远多过我的亲妈生父。如果没有你,我不会是今天的自己。知道吗,直到现在我的朋友问我,我都会说我有两个妈妈。一个亲生的,我爱她。一个后生的,我也爱她。

14岁的秋天我来到多伦多。看到久违的妈妈。时间就是一把锯,再深的情也能据开。我记得当时自己没多大感触,有些抱怨,不太情愿来多伦多。却不知道自己在这窄小的2间屋子里成长了许多。15岁,改变。我变了很多。对很多事情,很多人的看法都产生了变化。在15岁这一年里我长大了。每个人都会长大,我认为那是一个人改变的开始。对于我来说,我突变得好快,快到我来不及适应。也许这都跟我所住的这座老城有所关联。这里是被遗忘的市中心角落。各地的移民都居住在此。同学里只有少数的白人是世代居住在此地,也只有他们住的是洋房。光是学校就有两百年历史,二战的青年不少是当时这里的学生。妈妈跟我住在混杂的KING街与QUEEN街之间。晚上8点过后QUEEN街上就能看到吸毒贩子卖药,妖艳的妓女游荡。

这里跟温哥华那个安详的社会大不一样。我在这里学会坚强,懂得自信。在这里学会爸一直想在温哥华教会我的自强自立。社会的不同导致家庭的不同,家庭的不同教养出不同的下一代。学校里,每张脸背后都有一段故事。吸毒的父亲,逃学的哥哥,负债的母亲,叛逆的妹妹。我已然麻木了。电视上的一切黑暗似乎都原自这里。当然,如果没有阳光的衬托,我是看不到黑暗的那部分。孩子都是好孩子。我认识了很多人,很多朋友,少数好朋友,三五个知心朋友。每个人身后的故事都不一,有的令我心酸,有的让我哭泣。

大了,懂事儿了,身上的担子更重了。不想看到妈妈勤苦地早出晚归。我想找份工作,分担她的辛劳。出门也开始懂得算计,买个礼物也要货比三家。稍一吃亏,心里就疼得出血。有时候妈妈都会说我太爱算计像老太婆。

在艰苦的社会里,有的人选择沉沦,有的人选择奋斗。

今日收拾屋子,开始翻东西。记得小学时特别流行印花纸。各种各样好看的图案。沾些水就能印到纸上。可比贴纸的感觉好多了。玩这样的印花纸还是需要技巧的。掌握火候才能印出完美无缺的图案来。我珍藏的课本上,仍保留着我的战利品。依旧鲜艳。看不出时光的痕迹。翻到某一页,一角是残缺的,睡美人印花就这样被无情地撕掉了一部分。这是同桌男生的杰作。那一年,我被安排坐到一个男生的旁边。一开始相安无事。久了,男孩子的顽劣就尽现了。当他看到我无比沾沾自喜地欣赏自己刚完成的杰作睡美人时,或许已经存了不良动机。后来为了某些小事动了口角,他急中生智就对准我的睡美人印花下了毒手。我当时震惊又心痛。却也只能恨恨地瞪着他。这样的童真往事,回忆起来竟是清晰可辨。可是我知道,那个时代毕竟是遗落在身后的某个地方了。

还有金卡。这是我从小养成的坏习惯。总爱收集各种各样的金卡、银卡、平卡。不要误会,当然不是真的金子银子,只是比较好看的贴画被做成了卡片。经常去逛街。于是无论商场里还是大街上,只要是我觉得漂亮的金卡一律来者不拒。1元一张对于我来说是很昂贵的价钱,于是每次都央求爷爷或妈妈帮我买。每次出游回家都可以有不小的收获。年幼时,你们只是摇头微笑,只有二舅妈还会帮着我收集。成全我作为一个小孩子的快乐。可是随着年月日增,奶奶就开始不满了。觉得实在是浪费钱财。而我的坚持竟是渐渐长大也不曾改变。那些宝贝都被我保存了下来。昨天翻出来整理,才惊觉,时间已悄然使我改变。曾经吸引和打动童年的我,却不再为现在的我所认同。想不明白它们为什么曾经得以被同一个我不辞劳苦地带回家来当作宝贝般收藏。也终于明白当年大人不屑的眼光。我已经偏离了从前的轨道,属于孩童的轨道,走进了未成年人的世界。我逐渐颠覆了心里面那个孩童的审美观和价值观。再也回不去了。

一整天。好似在回忆的灰尘里翻滚。心里,压得重重的。在尘土飞扬的往事里,隐匿着太多细碎的片段,值得赏玩。年年岁岁花相似。岁岁年年人不同。

然而,生活总是继续。假期过后,我仍将背起回忆的匣子。上路。

2004年,16/17岁的一年,我期待着。


duoduo___12/21/03 9:09 PM

追悼春

是谁许诺了春天的离别

看着她,飘然离去

挥落了满地的叶子

衰枯脆质

她随风带走的,是一种情绪

既不隐隐作痛,也不惆怅或忧郁

那是一种沉重的闷,仿佛暴雨前的宣誓

爱情

两情若是长久,又岂在朝朝暮暮?这句子对大部分人来说并不陌生,然而诗中所描写的爱情却是非常不切实际的。这句诗词出自《鹊桥仙》,是为牛郎织女的爱情故事而创作的乐曲。牛郎织女原本就是杜撰出来的人物,此诗又怎能贴近生活呢?更不要说就算牛郎织女的爱情确实存在着,然而这两位的一生比我们的一生不知道要长多少倍,甚至是永恒的,那么一年相见一次就好比我们一天相见一次,甚至是一个小时相见一次。这么一来,又如何能相比呢?所以我认为,这句诗词压根儿就狗屁不通。

爱情应该是像舒婷所写的《致橡树》。爱一个人就应该终身相依,就应该根并根、叶碰叶,就应该共享与分担周遭的一切。我的爱很渺小,距离太远我会感受不到。我的爱很卑微,范围太大会让我感觉廉价。我的爱很透明,融不进太多的沙粒。所谓的爱情,无需烈日的高阳,无需激昂的泉源,无需耀眼的彩虹。它要像旭旭的春暖般明媚,缓缓的小溪般悠远,黄昏后幽蓝的朗空般低调。也许爱情是生活中的奢侈品,是可有可无的玩具,是无可救药的悲伤,是梦寐以求的毒药,是奇滋百味的果实,是醋、是水、是方糖。然而,无论它以哪种姿态展现在我的面前,依旧充满着诱惑力,仿佛罂粟的香味。罢了,就随它吧。

this is matt’s suggestion

– have you kissed someone this year that his/her name starts with a J?

erm.. no… >_> lol

– how many bathing suits do you own?
2

– do you like the color green?
i dont mind it.. prefers certain shades more so than others
– do you have a crush on someone?
define crush

– are you in a relationship?
define relationship

– ever eaten soap?
define soap.. lol no i havent

– what song are you listening to right now?
song? if you define song to be matt’s calc prof, then yes.. 

– is there a place you would like to visit?
yes.. beijing.. 

– have you ever fallen into a mud puddle?
yes.. and i cried like a baby

– do you like winter?
no i hate it.. i love summer

– does your screen name have numbers in it?
at the moment 

– are you in a band?
not at the moment

– do you like parties?
no i hate loud music and room filled with strangers

– what are you afraid of?
being abandoned

– how long have you had your Facebook for?
since 1B

– favorite beverage?
don’t really care what i drink.. i just dont drink pop.. the bubbles hurt my tongue 

– if you could own a monkey, would you?
why not =D

– do you own anything from American Eagle?
yes.. who doesnt?

– do you listen to rap?
not really

– did you graduate this year?
sadly no

– favorite Disney movie?
mulan

– do you like fruit?
yes love them

– have you ever given a random person your number?
yes but i gave him my number in binary
he looked confused

– is there a calendar in your room?
no.. well, unless you count my laptop as a calendar

– what are you excited for?
hm

– are you an artist?
i’d like to say so

– do you have an addiction?
not right now

– do you like s’mores?
they’re alright

– do you like hugs and kisses?
yes.. prefer hugs over kisses

– do you act gangster?
no.. unless i want linna to develop a crush on me, in that case, i’ll try my best

– you’re in the hospital, who comes to visit you?
hm mom and.. whoever lives close by and convenient

– If alcohol were banned, what would your reaction be?
i’d go to another country

– Your CD collection is repossessed. But you may keep one.
hm.. then use a laptop

– Do you believe world peace is possible?
no

– I’m a genie. Name your wish?
to become a genie

– What are you obsessive about?
hm nothing really.. i dont consider myself very zhizhuo

– Leather face is in the kitchen. Will you fight to victory, or hide from him?
…wtf

– Do people underestimate you?
not from memory right now

– When you’re in a bad mood, what will always put you in a better mood?
someone to talk to

– Honestly, do you talk about Myspace in real life?
no

– Have you met someone online in person?
yes

– What do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
stay alive.. lol
erm.. become a better painter because i’ve always been more of a drawer.. figure out whether if im suitable for positions such as management roles for next coop.. finance to see if i can fly back to beijing.. settle down in the new place with mom (finding tenant, buying furniture, fancying the place up).. read some more and write some more.. 

– Do you believe minimum wage should be raised?
i dont know enough to comment on that

– If someone at a party gives you “the look” how do you respond to it?
pretend i didnt see it 

– Do you have any really crazy relatives?
yes..

– Pretend you’re 15 deep in beers. Describe what you would be doing?
peeing

– Does everyone in your life know the real you?
no

– Last thing you said?
lol i said.. “wtf ur prof doesnt allow ppl to use laptop?” and then i hid behind the last row.. sitting on the ground right now..

– Do you know anyone in prison?
doubt it

– When is the last time you ate Peanut butter and jelly?
i never ate it together

– When did you last have a home cooked meal?
last week

– Name who you miss.
i think about random ppl when im feeling lonely, is that missing? maybe i’ve grown to be adapt to the feeling of miss.. its part of me already

– Are you named after a grandparent?
yes.. actually.. my chinese name was SUPPOSED to sound like shi.. which is my grandma’s last name

– Who loves you?
define love

– Have you ever broken a rib?
no

– Last song you heard?
hm the song kevin was playing in his car this morning

– What was the last thing you ate?
french vanilla from timmys

– How do you feel RIGHT now?
matt’s prof is so freaking loud.. i feel annoyed

– Are you scared of anything right now?
yes scared of changes

– Have you driven anything today?
hm no

– Whats your hair like?
err its like.. hair

– Would you ever work for the border patrol?
no

– Who’s car were you in last?
kevin’s car

– Who is better 50 cent or the game?
cant compare, dunno anything about them

– What is the biggest age gap you’ve dated?
hm.. a year and half

– Have you ever been in an interracial relationship?
no.. none that i know of..  

– do you vote?
only when i have to

– Are you a vegetarian?
no i eat animals.. 

– Do you worry about global warming?
no

– do you like polar bears?
i’ve never looked at them up close.. but i imagine them to be quite vicious.. unless they’re exactly like how they appear to be in coke commercials

– Do you like alligators?
no not really

– Do you have to get your wisdom teeth out?
not sure yet

– Ashley or Mary-Kate?
no preference

– Do you wear your sister’s clothes?
if i have one, i would

– Where were you an hour ago?
in matts calc class.. now im in his.. whatever class

– Life…. what do you think about it?
define life 

– Which do you enjoy more: Soccer or Hockey?
no preference

– Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?
no

– What are you doing tonight?
i dunno yet

 

 

fuk this survey is so boring

matts class is so boring

i hate my gap

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Marriage

Perhaps it’s because I’m living in a divorced family, or perhaps it’s because of my skeptical nature, I never quite understood the concept of marriage. When I was young, I thought of it as a legit way of living with someone else. I was under the impression that people will look down on you if you live with someone but is not married with that person. I think I developed that idea based on TV shows. A bit later, I found out that moving in with someone is actually a common practise in a relationship. In fact, my uncle lived with his girlfriend for 15 years before they got married. They have no children. So then I thought to myself, maybe marriage is like a security check, you know, for financial purposes. But not long ago, I found out that if you live with someone for more than half a year, you’ll have to split everything. That includes the house, even if one side made the purchase and it’s only under that person’s name, after living with someone else, the house will be split between the two. So now I wonder, what’s the purpose of marriage?

A common definition for marriage is a commitment between two people to stay in the relationship. So in a sense, we can say it’s a mutual agreement. A promise, if you will. But it’s a promise that can be broken if agreement does not stay mutual. For every other form of contract, there is an ending date, except marriage. Instead of making divorce so readily available, they should have an ending date to marriage with strict clause stating high profile punishment if one side wants to terminate the agreement. Once the contract ends, two parties may agree to extend or withdraw. For example, if I think the guy I’m dating is not bad, I can sign a 5 year marriage with him, just to test out the water. This means in 5 years, I am devoting myself into this relationship and that I cannot leave him. After 5 years, If I’m still on good terms with this guy, I can extend it, to maybe 10~20 years. For 10~20 years, it’d be a commitment that possibly involve giving birth and raising a child or two with him. Again, within those years, I cannot leave him nor the family. Thus during the key years of a child, the parents cannot be separated.

What I’m proposing is just an idea. There are obvious flaws in it just like the marriage system we have now. But I feel it makes marriage a bond that is a bit stronger. For a period of time, I did not believe in getting married. I simply don’t see the purpose of it, other than the general social trend. Marriage is just a piece of paper, just like a promise is just a few words coming out of someone’s mouth. They’re meaningless to me. Of course it depends on coming out of whom, but still, I feel nothing is forever, nothing lasts eternity. Everything that is set on a timeless time frame is bound to be terminated sooner or later. I remember reading this romance novel where they guy promised the girl, “I know you feel insecure and longs for a sense of foreverness. I cannot promise you forever, for I do not know the future. But I can promise myself to you for as long as I live.” I thought it was quite touching, yet I couldn’t help but to wonder, how can someone be so sure to give such a promise?