Dog Park!

I went with Jerry, Peter, and Rebecca to Sunnybrook Park. We brought our dogs so that they could hang out together at the leash free zone in the park. Needless to say the dogs were all super happy!

 

dog park

When is it the right time to let go of someone?

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss – as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. 🙂

New Look =P

I’ve updated my wordpress to the lastest available, which is version 2.5~~~

On a side note, I got bored of the old layout and chose to use the current one instead.. again needed to fix a lot of the things, but it turned out pretty good looking 😉

So I’ve finally finished all of my exams and I can finally truly welcoming summer now =D
Can’t wait to go back to Toronto!!!!

王菀之 – 怎么会寂寞
作词:JJ 作曲:王菀之
飞机一落地
与你零距离
这颗心不再相距
说好一分离
心情没力气
激情却之剩消极
我太渴望你的依偎
你给我的机会
好象永远都不对味
那是谁的不对
我继续又憔悴
心碎你也无所谓
爱情自己收回别太自以为
你不过只是
其中讨厌的一个
让我彻底崩溃忘了啥是对
寂寞空空的
在心里作祟
再一个人万岁
只不过自我陶醉
忘了我是谁
给自己安慰怎么会寂寞怎么会
分离我情意
脱离离开你
也不过是刚好而已
飞机一落地
明明没距离
我们从此不再相聚
我太渴望你的依偎
你给我的机会
好象永远都不对味
那是谁的不对
我继续又憔悴
心碎你也无所谓
爱情自己收回别太自以为
你不过只是
其中讨厌的一个
让我彻底崩溃忘了啥是对
寂寞空空的
在心里作祟
再一个人万岁
只不过自我陶醉
忘了我是谁
给自己安慰怎么会寂寞怎么会

(L) China (L) Tibet (L) Everyone

我实在忍不住了。虽然已经为此跟很多人倔过了,虽然读了不少有关新闻也读了不少人对此的看法,我仍然坚信自己还有一些别人没说过的。很没有自知之明的,我了解。我刚刚一直在想应该用英文写还是中文写?真的是不好办,我很想用英文写,因为这样我身边的西藏朋友跟从小在外国长大不了解中国文化的朋友也可以读了。但是后来又想了想,如果用英文写,我中国的朋友就不甚了了了。之前给一个我大学的留学生发了一篇一位外国教师写的看法,是我认为写得不算太片面的。但很可惜的他说他英文不是很好,所以里面大部分的东西都读得很吃力。我想要写这篇文章的主要目的还是针对中国人的,所以反复思索后我决定用中文写。

从前两天开始msn上就开始了(L) China活动,说是活动其实就是把这样的字眼放在msn上而已。 我简单的看了一下,有在中国的,有在法国的,有在台湾香港的,有在加拿大的,还有在美国的华人。从我msn上乍一看,红红的一顺,好不壮观。原来爱国真的很简单。我以前一直烦恼在没有战争的时候该怎样重现一个人的爱国精神呢?原来只要在msn上把名字改改就好了。我一直没有人云亦云的原因是,我虽然在这边有很多不同种族的朋友,其中包括很多西藏人而他们也一直坚持free tibet信念,但我仍然认为西藏就是中国的一部分,所以说两者是不可分开的。我一开始到加拿大还会拒绝称呼西藏人、台湾人、香港人tibetan, taiwanese, cantonese。这是因为我打小在中国就是被教育成这些人都是中国人的缘故,所以我纳闷儿啊,为什么不叫他们chinese就好了呢?在这边区分得可仔细了呢,我算是mandarin from mainland china,也就是说普通话从大陆来的。虽然过了不久我就被西化了,也开始用这些词来概括一个人的背景。但是我心里仍然是雪亮的:西藏就是中国的一部分,西藏人就是中国人。那么这么一来msn上面针对西藏人的题词是不是就有点儿可笑了?如果是说我们爱中国的话,难道就不爱西藏了么?如果爱西藏,为什么偏偏要把不是西藏的中国挑出来爱呢?这样一来不就真的等于西藏中国不是一家人了么。

我纳闷儿啊,不仅仅是这些。 这些天来有关这事儿的报道还真是多。一个人就算不看电视不读新闻都略知一二。我一个在北京的小学同学告诉我现在北京已经严重到给每家每户发送条子说是没事儿不准出门儿了。让我不甚了解的是在外国的一些游行活动。真的是很壮观很伟大很漂亮呢。我在facebook上看了好多人照的照片了。我纳闷儿是因为他们似乎想要让cnn等西方媒体为此事件的报道道歉。道歉?有没有搞错啊。西方的报道向来是以负面为重的(不是说中国就不是了)。如果哪个国家稍微有点儿变态,那可狠骂了。连慈善机构都会骂的他们注重的就是言论自由。我记得去游行的这些青年都是很注重言论自由的啊,怎么现在又改变主意了。如果说哪里不注重言论自由,那绝对非中国莫属(当然日本对此也很在行)。记得我小时候对新闻联播的一贯印象就是中国地大物博人民团结友善,好强大的感觉。那么我就怀疑了,真正在中国的那些人根据他们的消息渠道知道的情况到底有多少?中国开放了多少媒体呢?

读了一些文章的报道后我感觉中国人对这件事情的态度无非就是,你骂我了所以我也要骂你。就算不当面骂你也不能去你那儿玩了。比较可笑的一些:不去法国超市了、不用名牌包了等等(跟之前抵触日本人而不买日本货的理由差不多)。丢不丢人啊,怎么看怎么像过家家的孩子。然后这篇报道实在让我忍无可忍了。这些反对一个大学女生的华人究竟跟在中国暴动的西藏人有何区别?如果真的想认识那些维护藏独的人,可以去我的中学Parkdale C. I.,那里还有专门的西藏俱乐部(Tibetan Club)呢。难道他们要闯进中学生的家里把人家在家供着的喇嘛给砸毁么?真的,我都觉得寒碜得慌。我一直觉得出国的孩子会更懂事儿,因为见识广了眼界宽了,但这件事情把我天真的想法踢飞了。

都说西方人不懂中国人的情况,所以才会盲目地支持西藏独立。但很少我会看到身边的中国人或是在中国的中国人去追究多种角度的看法。我认为对于类似的事情没有所谓的事实。如果想要了解情况,最多能够做到的就是以多种渠道跟不同背景的人,如西方人,或是在外国的西藏人的角度看待这件事情。哪怕只有五分钟也好,把中国人的身份丢掉去看待这件事情。这些中国人对这件事情的了解究竟有多少呢?就算我从中学开始就接触了不少西藏人,就算我读了不少关于他们的事情,我仍然觉得自己无法真正了解事实。但起码我尝试过了,起码我尽最大努力站在他们的角度看待这件事情了。这样的态度让我变得更加平和,也更加理智。作为一个中国人,我认为与其去追究为什么西方人支持西藏人(对此,我的 一位叔叔有他的看法),不如尝试去了解为什么西藏人会暴动。无风不起浪,我想除非不得已否则不会有这么多人去做一些明知会吃力不讨好的事情,不是么。

与其去压迫他人的说法,不如让自己更加深入讨论的话题。如果对一件事情有着不同的看法,作为看待此件事情的旁观者应当努力吸取更多的知识,而并非努力尝试让周围的人保持同样的看法。就是因为每个人的生活背景不同所以才会产生多样化的角度。就算是读同样的文字,看同样的画面,我们的眼睛都会捕捉到不同的细节,更何况是生活在完全不同世界的人们呢。我很喜欢我的西藏朋友Lobsang 所说的:“The way i see it, Susan, I want to work towards a better China. Since Tibet will be part of it, regardless whether I like it or not =P”。他是我的中学同学,目前在多伦多大学读法律。立志要当律师的他目前上大学之余还在多伦多一所律师行工作。那所律师行专门办理西藏人在加拿大的身份问题。他今天告诉我他下个学期要学习中文课。作为一个出生在尼泊尔的西藏人(他父母逃离西藏后居住在尼泊尔,后来用假的尼泊尔护照移民到加拿大),他都可以充实自己想着为中国做贡献,作为中国人的我们不更应该如此么?我向来对与自己相信的事情持有极度固执的心理。对于身边的西藏人,我曾尝试过让他们承认自己是中国人,但是后来我承认我失败了。我的出发点是很可笑的,我只是觉得他们不了解中国,却在最后讶然发觉不了解的人是我。我不了解中国,因为我不了解西藏。

更多有关此事的报道可以从这里阅读。

Summer of 2008

  • horseback riding
  • swimming
  • rock climbing
  • camping
  • pick up flute
  • learning sewing stuffed animals
  • paint murals/designs
  • continue writing my novel
  • bake cake

There is also a high chance of mom and I moving to scarbo this summer. I’m so excited to design the walls in the new place~ I’ve always wanted to paint on walls.. I think I got that from the movie “50 First Dates”.

I’ll find out if I’ve been chosen to volunteer for Beijing Olympics by May, and if I did then I’ll probably go back to Beijing. If not, then probably not because ticket prices are jacked up so high.

I’m really looking forward to summer right now, like really really.. even though I still have one last exam on 21st, I’m already dreaming about being bathed in sunshine. I can’t wait to take Benben to the beach.. not sure if he’ll know how to swim.. maybe dogs are natural at it? Hopefully he won’t be scared of water.. it’d be funny if he does.. I bet if he does, Jim will drop him in the water 以示鼓励.. what a jerk..