对陈曼而言，在镜头前没有不好的模特，只有不合格的摄影师。“模特都有他自己的特点，如果你把他的特点发挥出来，都是好的模特。”而说到超模，陈曼又有另 一番观点，“不是普通意义上的美丽就能成为超模，有好多因素。比如说她可能哪儿哪儿都长得特别完美，但就有一个缺点。如果这个缺点恰到好处的话就是一个特 点。比如刘丹，在中国大众审美里，她哪里都是完美的，但就是她长了一双丹凤眼，小翘翘鼻子，这样就可以成为超模。如果哪儿都长得没有缺陷的话，就是一大美妞儿，没什么特点不容易让人记住。”
Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:
10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it
10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it
the gist of it is basically talking about this woman
adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english
me: im pretty sure its fictional
the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about
yea im just telling you the idea right now
10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it
10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it
how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it
10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it
the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill
its not just hers, but also his
she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign
to tell her that theres something wrong
because what’s going to come next?
10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her
shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket
10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else
she has never thought about all these things before the marriage
she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days
maybe some miracle will happen
10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill
maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill
maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it
10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe
she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause
she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is
10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident
she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table
10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test
so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once
and for all
because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks
10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right
after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences
10:55 AM she picked up the bill
at that moment, she felt she just saved a family
10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything
even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis
10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship
but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone
my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends
because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head
I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.
It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.
It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.
It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.
There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.
When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s a movie that I have not seen, not yet at least. I read reviews of it and pretty much knew what happened in the end. It has a sad sad ending. People call it a fairytale tragedy. The word tragedy made me afraid of making the attempt to watch it. But then I thought to myself, what would have I done to change it if I were the girl who was in love with this robot with blades as his fingers? In the movie, she left him before she turned old because she wanted him to always have imagined her as the young and beautiful Kim. One of the barriers that stopped them from being in a openly relationship accepted by the town people is that he had no hands. He can’t even hug her. His creator died before he had the chance to give him normal hands.
Okay, so we’re in a setting where robots can be made. Surely she could find evidence of the creation of Edward in the castle. If I were her, I’d try to help Edward out by making real hands for him. When I had this thought I realized that in many stories, the tragedy is a result of lack of information. Either they miscommunicated with one another or through misunderstanding of other peoples statements, they had the wrong idea and made the wrong decision.. or it’s because they lack information in general, being stupid would be the right phrase to sum it up. Why can’t they rethink before making a decision that they might regret and leaving the rest of us (and me) feel sad about another creation of a tragedy?
My advice to Kim: before loving someone, try to learn more about mechanical engineering.
When I was writing the last blog entry, I did not expect myself to be writing a part 2.. but my friends’ responses inspired me to continue this topic. There will always be more to talk about, but in this blog entry I will focus on three topics:
I’ll take Adam’s suggestion into consideration and write in smaller paragraphs.
Before I begin discussing what kind if gifts girlfriends like, I should first remind all the boys out there that usually there are more days within a year that the girl would like to celebrate than a boy would like to celebrate. It frustrates me sometimes when a friend of mine asks me how much money he should spend on a girl for a particular occasion. Because really, this friend should rather be looking at a bigger picture: how many gifts are you willing to give out per year? When this friend is answering that question, please also taking into account about how many MORE days the girl wants to celebrate and how many MORE presents she’s preparing for you. In most relationships I see a pattern of gift exchange between the boyfriend and the girlfriend, which is that the girlfriend would come up with days that she’s expecting surprises where the boyfriend is not aware of. This results in girlfriend getting upset (she either brought a gift for him on the day of and got shut down or hinted before hand and realized that there will be no return and started to hold a small grudge against him). On a brighter note, girlfriends are usually more forgiving than just one time disappointment, so they’d hope for a bigger and better present on the day that everyone would celebrate. This vicious cycle in the girlfriend’s mind is usually hidden from the boyfriend or not as serious as the boyfriend thought it would be.
(Oh god, I hope the last paragraph was short enough for Adam…)
Taking that into account, this bigger and better present ought to be good.. I’m not sure how much more pressure I just put on you, but relax, I’m not going to tell you some advice that requires you to throw in big bucks to satisfy her (unless your girlfriend is more interested in your money). Throughout years of gift exchange, I have a handbook in mind for almost every day out there where gifts are required. Some of the rules that I usually follow are: get something that can easily be valued at a higher price than I purchased it for for strangers (if you don’t know the person, you can’t make it that special so you can only show the person how much you care by money’s worth); for family members I try to get something that can be used in the household; and I usually can figure out what kind of things my friends like so it becomes easier to shop for them (for girls it’s usually clothes and for guys it’s usually things you can find in futureshop).
Girlfriends are a totally different story. If you plan to be with this girl for a long time, do not shower her with a lot of presents all at once. I have a very bad example from I-can’t-say-who, but for the first Christmas they spent together, he bought her a white gold bracelet engraved with their initials on it, a lovely sweater, and on top of all that, a personalized card and a bunch of candies that he knew she loves. Ever since then, she expects gifts at least at the same level if not better for Christmas. Until finally one Christmas, he ran out of crazily romantic ideas and bought her what she has been complaining that she couldn’t find in the mall – a pair of black leather gloves that fits her tiny hands. He did purchase a pair of black leather gloves, but it was not from the store she likes, they do not fit her tiny hands and she thought the gloves looked hideous. She claimed the gift to be not thoughtful and she felt that he doesn’t love her anymore. But the truth is, he just ran out of ideas. I do feel bad about this boyfriend, nevertheless it was stupid of him to buy those black leather gloves. Think about it, if your girlfriend can’t find it in the mall, what makes you think you can?
Other than the one I already mentioned, another moral of that story is, never try to buy something the girl said that she can’t find in the mall. If she complained about how she can’t find the perfect pair of cotton slippers, don’t go out of your way to try to find it, chances are the pair you find won’t be good enough. The more the girl searches for something, the higher the standard of that certain something becomes. Unless it’s something she described in great detail and doesn’t require any aesthetic judgment. For example, if she mentioned that she needs a new Sephora eyelash curler in red color (The last time I checked they only have one kind that’s red), then you go and get it for her, it’d be a wonderful casual gift. Notice I said casual, for special occasions, never try to buy something she preassigned you to get her. Also remember not to substitute with another brand or another style. If she said Sephora and she mentioned the color red, she has her reasons.
So what kind of gifts can you give her for special occasions? The key is to make the present as personal to her as possible. If you can change the name on the card and give the present to another girl to receive the same reaction from the gift, then it’s not personal enough. In order to make it personal, you need to always listen to the girl so that you understand her interests, her past experiences, and her tastes in pretty much everything. This is hard. It’s very very hard. So right now I’ll tell you tricks that will make it more personal even though you might not know the girl well enough (You may think you do, but I can’t even say that I know myself well enough, not to mention someone else). However, you should still try to get to know the girl more.. but I realize that comes with time and time is equally cruel to every one of us. I don’t want to even try to begin saying how to use time wisely or anything remotely close to that matter, so instead I’ll be talking about tricks.
I’m going to first start on a side topic here, it’ll seem like it’s non-related but I promise I’ll link it back. In many relationships I know of, the couple hang out in a group setting sometimes. This group is usually gathered up by the boyfriends. There are rare scenarios where the girlfriend is equally if not more sociable and enjoys planning events for people, but usually the girlfriend tags along with the boyfriends’ friends. Then there comes with this issue of the girlfriend being labeled an “add-on” by the boyfriend’ friends. To the boyfriend’s friends, since they don’t know this girl well enough and they can’t hit on her, she’s just someone who happens to tag along whenever there is a gathering. In even worse cases, they need to live with her when she comes to visit her boyfriend who happens to be their roommate. I’m not sure how hard it is to be around such a girlfriend they don’t know much about, but I’m sure it’s not easy on them and the boyfriend should know better since they’re his friends and he probably has to deal with the same thing with his friend’s girlfriends as well.
I’ve heard several boyfriends including my own telling me that it’s unavoidable for their friends to feel the girlfriend is just an add-on to their friends because the girlfriend doesn’t talk to them or introduce herself so that they’ll get to know her as an individual. I agree with them, if the girlfriend wants to be treated as a person who has a mind of her own, then she should introduce her thoughts and deliver her personality to the table. I haven’t heard much complaints from the boyfriends side about being treated as add-ons by the girlfriends’ friends. I’m sensing this is because I’ve always became friends with the boyfriend, so obviously I won’t get such complaint. But the trick I’m telling you about is in fact becoming friends with your girlfriend’s close friends. You’ll have to rip off the add-on label on yourself from her friends.
There are many benefits that come along with being the girlfriend’s close friends’ friend. Other than getting tips about the type of gifts your girlfriend might be expecting this year, you can also get information about the gifts that she disliked from past experiences. Talking to the girlfriend’s close friends might not always provide you with an idea of the present, but it will at least always tell you what not to get her as presents. But in order to get that information, you need to become friends with a friend who’s fairly close with your girlfriend and most importantly, trustworthy enough that she won’t big mouth about your conversation with her.
The second trick I’m going to write about is digging up old memories. This is difficult for some people, so this trick might not be applicable to everyone. I had this one friend telling me that he doesn’t know what to write in a card to make it sound special. I’m sure the girlfriend knows that you are not Shakespeare and is not expecting to read some kind of timeless sonnet in the card. What she wants to read is something personal, something reflective of the experiences you two shared together. I remember this guy telling me a wonderful story of the two a few days later. I couldn’t help but to wonder how much better the card would’ve been if he had just jot down some details of that story instead.
I’ll use his story as a sample of what kind of things would mean more than just “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Birthday” to the girl. In order to understand how wonderful his story is, I need to first explain something about the girl. I’ve been rooming with this girl for quite some times and I’ve been there for her ups and downs. She’s not the typical emotional girl who cries during movies or shed tears when a bunny dies. In fact, I only remember seeing her cry once over the past few years of knowing her. But the boyfriend told me that she cries all the time, he immediately grabbed my attention away from coding. (For the ones who do not know me, it’s quite hard to grab my attention away when I’m coding..) He then mentioned this one incident.. She fell asleep this one time watching a movie with him, so he paused the movie and started playing games thinking to himself that he’ll wait for her to wake up and then continue the movie with her. But when she woke up, she started crying. After a few minutes of mumbling to him, he finally figured out that she cried because she thought he was mad at her for falling asleep.. I doubt anyone who knows this girl would guess that I’m actually talking about her because this does not sound like something she’d do.. Yet it’s sweet, and awkwardly adorable of her. I’d bet the guy a hundred bucks that if he had juiced up this story a bit in the card, it would’ve made a better card.
I’ve also heard of this question from boyfriends: is it okay for me not to get her a card? The answer is no.. First of all, it’s really hard to get her a present that she’ll like and even if she likes it, she might not after a few months and by then she has completely forgotten the existence of that one bad present you gave her. But it’s much easier to pick out a card that she’ll like and personalize that card (refer to last paragraph). So it’s wise to always get a card along with the present. You can think of it as the “Perfect Plan B”. Just a note: do not get those “witty” or “funny” cartoon cards for your girlfriend. Even if she’s a tomboy and enjoys reading those occasionally, it will not be a card she’s keeping in her drawers to look at when she misses you. Again, I’m referring to special occasions where she’s having high expectations.. if you felt like bringing a joke when you are visiting her, then by all means..
Alright, so to be more specific, don’t get her gifts that are cliche unless it has more meanings to her.. for example, unless she’s in the chocolate tasting business and truly adores truffles, do not buy her chocolate. I never felt buying flowers is a good idea either because its beauty will fade. Nothing edible is that good of an idea for the same reason.. if she can’t keep it, it’s not worth it for a special occasion. I usually tell the boyfriends to buy accessories for the girlfriend because it comes in a wide collection with various styles and size is usually not an issue. It’s not some kind of technology that will eventually become a piece of junk and it’ll always be one of her collections that she’ll look back and feel that aw at heart. But again, it’s hard to make it personal. I find that one way to make it more personal is to engrave some messages on it.
I didn’t realize how wordy I truly am until now.. the above section only covered 1/3 of the topics I planned to talk about in this blog. I’ll try to keep the rest more concise.
Personally, I consider myself to be very emotional. I cry a lot, in various settings (settings that most people would feel embarrassed about), for various matters (matters that most people would feel trivial about). When it comes to my own relationship, I become even more emotional. I’ve always experienced the frustration of this situation: boyfriend feeling clueless about what to do when I’m crying and ended up doing something totally stupid. When I say totally stupid, I mean something that did not help him to do what he wanted to achieve and made the situation even worse. When the girlfriend is crying, the boyfriend wants her to stop crying, let’s call this his goal. In order to accomplish this goal, there are a few things that he should not do.
For some people, when they read this they might laugh because it’ll seem so stupid if they did this, but believe me, people DO do this. When she cries, do not leave her in her room and go home.. Unless you absolutely dislike this person and feel this person should be burning in hell, I’d never suggest to anyone to leave a crying person alone when you were there with this person in the first place. Same thing goes with the phone: if you sense she’s crying at the other end of the line, do not let her off the hook unless you plan to rush over to her house to talk to her in person. If you feel I’m being stupid for telling you not to leave her alone when she’s crying, then I think you obviously don’t care enough about her and really shouldn’t be dating her in the first place.
Dating a girl is a lot of work, it involves keeping her happy and making her stop crying. Two of the most complicated tasks to accomplish, and not to mention you need to maintain them.
Before rushing to explaining anything or even begin talking to her, ask her why she’s crying. If you feel you have a shot at why she’s crying, then begin by asking this: Is this (replace this with what you think it is) why you are crying? Again, this might seem trivial and stupid to some people, but it’s like writing an essay, you should always keep the thesis at the top of the page to remind yourself the primary idea you want your paper to evolve around. If you want to make her stop crying, you need to be 100% positive about the cause of it.
Once you’ve figured out why she’s crying, don’t tell her your opinion on the matter. I beg you not to because usually your opinion is something like: that’s so trivial, you are so stupid for crying; or it wouldn’t have helped if even I did this (replace this with whatever that you didn’t do that caused the crying); or it wouldn’t have helped even if I didn’t do this (reverse of the previous bracket). You may think expressing your opinion of why she’s crying would “teach” her not to be crying because you can “convince” her that the matter is trivial.
I’m going to explain why reasoning with your girlfriend might not be a good idea when she’s emotional in the next topic, for now, please just take my word for it that it’s not doable and that it’ll make her more upset and complicate the situation even more. For now, just accept the fact that she’s crying and you can’t change her mind on whether or not it’s worth her tears for. If she’s crying because the hero died in her favorite TV show, don’t argue with her that it’s just TV; if she’s crying because your best friend said something and you didn’t correct him for saying it, don’t tell her that even if you did it wouldn’t have changed anything; if she’s crying because you went clubbing with other friends and didn’t invite her, don’t tell her that even if you’ve invited her she’d still not go… Avoid anything related with changing her opinion, it’ll be like fanning the fire (not sure if this saying makes sense in English or not).
Instead, you listen. All you need to do is to listen to her about why she’s crying. You know, from past experiences, I’d say most of the times I just needed someone to listen to me when I’m crying. I don’t need the boyfriend to solve anything for me, I just want him to understand me. I have many female friends who concur with me on this matter. Women nowadays are capable of solving their own problems, when we cry, it’s just an emotional outburst, we do not need men to come and rescue us. What we want, is for them to be there to listen to us.
I don’t get why boyfriends think it’s bad to see the girlfriends cry in front of them. Because in my opinion, it’s a good thing. If she’s willing to cry in front of you, then she’s willing to show you her ugly side.. if anything, it’s one step closer in getting to know the real her. I have this theory about crying: if this person is not crying in front of you when he/she should be crying, then it’s one of the following two reasons – 1. the person feels you do not care or 2. the person feels you do not understand. Take toddlers for an example, if you leave him alone in the park and he fell, he’s not going to cry immediately unless someone beside him picked him up and started comforting him. The reason being, if he’s not surrounded with people he knows who care about him greatly, he doesn’t cry; and he starts crying when strangers pick him up because he feels this stranger understood his pain for falling.
You don’t have to agree with me on my theory and the toddler example was merely from observations, but please do believe me that it’s not a bad thing when girlfriends cry in front of you so stop freaking out about it.
After the crying and the explaining through mumbling, there might be a time she turns around and looks at you waiting for your response. What you do now is you say: “I understand” and then you kiss her. If the reason she’s crying involves you, you say “I understand and I’m sorry” and then you kiss her.
Sometimes it’s more complicated than that because sometimes it’s something you did and she expects you to “change”. I’m not sure if it’s because when god created men he put a line of code that reads “if input.NextLine == “change” then System.Console.WriteLine(“No!”)” but that’s the idea I got from most men.. Please excuse my stupid CS joke.. But I really don’t get why it takes tries over tries to make the boyfriend believe that change isn’t so horrible?
I’ll list some of the things I’ve tried to change.. I understand most of the times why I can’t change them and I’ve made them understand that the change is good for them, but the actual execution still failed time after time during debugging. (There are multiple boyfriends and the list does not follow a particular time line.. stop guessing who’s whom..) I had my reasons for trying to convince him and just so you know, never succeeded.
I’ve tried to convince him..
Even if I convinced him of the above, as I said before, I’ve never ever succeeded in changing him. The furtherest I got is making him to agree with me but action wise he just feels more restricted.
Damn, I just lost my train of thoughts…
So yea, I don’t think it’s doable to change the boyfriend and I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this especially through crying. Take my word for it, I’ve tried many times. Even if I get the guy to agree with me, he’d still not change. And most of the times if you think you’ve changed him, he’s only doing it behind your back.. or he’s resting for a bit.. or he becomes unhappy being with you.
When it comes to time like these.. as yourself the whether if it’s worth it question. Is it worth continuing the relationship if he doesn’t change? For the boyfriend, is it worth dating her if she expects you to change in the future?
There are certain values in life that are important to me. Those will never change in my opinion, so I try to avoid myself dating guys who hold opposite position in such issues. For example, if one is a big spender and the other is a big saver, it’s hard to have a lifetime of happiness together without settling down the money disagreement. I think trying to change someone else is harder than changing my own perspective, but if it’s something I strongly believe, then I can’t change myself. Thus the only solution is to not get myself involved with guys who share different views in these unchangeable principles of mine.
If I’m already involved, then there’s really no better way out. It’ll be painful and I’ll have to ask myself that is it worth it question. I bet a lot of people tell themselves lies before going to bed, “he’ll change” is probably one of the most told lies of all times. I think underneath it all, women know men cannot change. Perhaps most of the times, they just want them to say they will to show how much they care.
Finally.. the third topic….
First of all, I want to say that I don’t think women are more emotional than men are. I think men show more emotions towards aggression, anger, and happiness than feelings such as disappointment, distress, and vulnerability because of their social role of being masculine. Having said that, I think I should change it to “don’t try to reason with boyfriend/girlfriend when he/she is emotional”. If you are interested in this topic, there are some reads (1, 2, 3, 4) off the Internet. Those four articles jumped out in google when I searched for “women are more emotional than men”, yet they are all ideas that support women are not more emotional than men.
I think when people are emotional, it becomes harder for them to adapt to newer concepts, thus making it harder to point it out to them that they might be wrong on certain matters. Having said that, I think it’s easier to calm the person down first before trying to reason with him/her. When it comes to boyfriend/girlfriend issues, I think one should try to be even more considerate and understanding given the situation involving one of the two being emotional. I understand that when you feel you are right, you always want to get out there and derive to the conclusion as soon as possible, but that road will be longer if you choose to shout out your reasonings at someone who’s emotional about the topic.
I truly believe that there will always be different opinions on certain things in a relationship. When such opinions are brought to the table, and you two can’t seem to sort out who’s opinion out rule the other, it’s probably better to think this way: if you can’t make everyone in the world agree with you, what’s the big deal if he/she can’t? If you want to argue saying: well, because he/she’s more important to me than the rest of the world, his/her opinion means more to me. Then why are you not agreeing with him/her if his/her opinion means more to you than the rest of the world?
Alright, I think I’m done with those topics..
I was reading this today, and a section of it caught my attention:
The Five Components Of Emotional Health
Emotional health consists of five key components:
I think I lack step 1.. I always feel certain emotions, yet I can’t tell what caused them. I cry, and then after a day I realize why I was crying the other day.. It takes me a long time to follow the road back and find the root, and usually I need to start this thinking process after I’ve felt it. I guess this concludes that I’m not an emotionally healthy person… >_>
Okay.. I am fully aware that this is an extremely cliche topic to write about, but I am seriously hoping that I don’t have to repeat myself over and over again with the same advice for all the friends I have out there who happened to be boyfriends of other female friends of mine. Now I wish all of you can be happy together and can work things out, so I’m dedicating this blog entry to you all.. I will be making some examples with their problems I’ve heard about but since I don’t want to upset people so I won’t mention any names.. and hope to god they can’t figure out who’s whom.
One of the most common things that I hear from these boyfriends is this: “I’ve put in so much effort, yet she’s still not happy.” I don’t care what you did for her, maybe you bought her flowers, but it’s not her favorite kind so she whines; maybe you tried to stay for an extra hour or two at her place at night and may have to face some yelling from parents later, but she’s still giving you the same pouting look as usual; maybe you traveled for quite some time to just see her or drove her all the time to places and she takes you for granted.. it all doesn’t matter. The bottom line you need to realize is that the effort you put out does not equate to the amount of appreciation you’ll receive from the girl. I know it sounds harsh, but let’s face it, when do you actually get exactly what you feel you deserve based on the effort you’ve put in? Let’s stop talking about relationship for a second here, think about anything else that you’ve been working on.. whether if it’s that assignment you’ve coffeed up all night on or that game you’ve tried a million times but can’t pass the level with or the special footwork in some sport that you play and you can’t seem to figure out how over some tries, the amount of effort you devote into the activity never equate to what you actually achieve in the end. If you’ve never tried asking your professor why you didn’t get a higher mark on this exam even though you’ve tried harder than so-and-so, then why should you bother asking me why your girlfriend is not happy when you think you’ve put in more effort this time?
What you CAN do, is rather to ask yourself if it is worth your effort or not. In order to do this, you need to know yourself quite well, you need to know your girlfriend quite well, you need to have some foresight and you also need to remember not to regret. So, to really do this, you need you ask yourself one simple question before doing anything for this girl: is it worth it even though she might not like the flowers to surprise her at her door? I’m starting with a rather simple one here but please bare with me with the steps to follow. The question is simple to ask, but the way you analyze this is not so simple. You first need to think in terms of actually doing this: you’ll need to leave your house a bit earlier, prepare a few more bucks in your pocket, do a bit of research about what kind of flowers you think will suit her, and drop in at a flower store before heading to her place. Alright, so let’s call this part “if I do it what will be my effort”. You then think about what you’ll end up with this effort: there could be multiple results, but I’ll summarize to two extremes. Let’s call this part the “returns”. She is surprised and loves the flowers you brought her, makes out with you and you two begin a very happy date together. She is surprised and hates the flower you picked out and starts bitching at you the entire time during the date. When I say in order to do this, you need to know yourself and the girlfriend quite well, I mean it, and heres why: you now need to decide which one of these situations you’ll receive with the effort. Most of the times, the boyfriends automatically assume it’ll be the first scenario, but honestly, girls are harder to impress in these most of the times situations, so it’ll come in between the extremes.
Now, keep noted of this “if I do it what will be my effort and returns” and move on to “if i don’t do it what will be my effort and returns”. In this section, there is a major concern that I need to break out to you, in relationships, there comes to times where the girl expects certain things so they cry and nag about it when they realize that the expectation has just failed. (Boyfriends expect other things in relationships, so I don’t feel it’s uneven at all..) Back to the analysis, if you don’t do it, you leave at usual time, you arrive with no flowers and pretty much you put in no extra effort this round. The returns as a result is also rather simple, she gets no surprise and you two begin on a rather usual date. This is fine unless you’ve mentioned or hinted that you might be giving her a surprise sometimes soon or you’ve raised the expectations from your girlfriend by showering her with gifts so she’s spoiled enough to be expecting flowers on dates. This expectation comes with a price, it makes her passionate about dating you and looking forward to the surprises you bring her, so if you did not meet that expectation, expect something rather unpleasant from her as a result. So to sum it up, if you don’t do it, more likely for a guy who’d think about a situation to bring your girlfriend flowers on dates, you should expect crying from her and comforting from you for the beginning of the date. NOW, the deciding part, is it worth it to do it or not after thinking about the two situations?
To bring or not to bring is rather a small dose of what I’m trying to explain. There were many cases that I’ve heard that almost ended the relationship simply because the boyfriend felt he’s done more than enough to keep her happy, yet she’s still not happy. The reason for almost all of these cases is because he didn’t feel it’s worth it in the end, but he’s already done what’s been done. When I tell them this, they reply with this expression: “Damn, I just shouldn’t have done anything in the first place.” Again, not doing anything at all also comes with a consequence: as I mentioned before, when involved in a relationship, the girl expects certain things from the boyfriend and when that expectation is not met time after time, problems may also arise, but under a different cause. That cause could be one of the following (just to give you a taste of the horrible things that may go wrong if you’re not doing anything) : she may feel that you don’t care about her, you don’t think she’s good enough for you, you are a player, you are cheating on her, you are gay, you are hiding something (you are on drugs, you are failing from school, you are going to jail.. etc), etc… You may think I’m going overboard with this list, but I’m really not, girls tend to think a lot and worry about a lot of the nonsense stuff in your head, but in the girl’s mind it makes total sense. Since you are trying to get into girls’ heads right now, I say, stop telling me that this is total nonsense, freak out about it, and become single.. instead of all that, think of ways to solve this.
For the boyfriends who already got himself into the crap hole of “I’ve put into so much effort already, but she’s still not happy”. You need to ask yourself, do you still want to continue this relationship? Is it worth it to continue even though you feel you’ve put in so much effort and she’s still not happy? I’m telling you right now that the answer is usually yes since you’ve already gone a long way and throwing all that away is plain stupid. You need to sit down, relax a bit, sleep for now. When you wake up, you’ll feel a lot less stressed and less heated. The reason I said you don’t want to throw it away is also because you should never end a relationship because of this reason: I’ve tried so hard, but she’s still not happy. Because that to me means you still care a lot about this girl, you just don’t know how to understand her and make her happy. Ultimately, if you care a lot about this girl, you do want to make her happy because making her happy will lead to your happiness. That being said, I’m a true believer in we’re all selfish beings, so why would you not want yourself to be happy? What I find in most people, not just boyfriends, is that when they’re upset, they tend to think of reasons/causes that made them upset and become more upset. In terms of boyfriends, for example, one simple matter of I can’t make my girlfriend happy even though I’ve tried so hard may lead to, she’s not the one for me, it’s not the right timing to date, we want separate things in life, then this boyfriend becomes so determined to be upset he wants to break up now because it seems to be the only solution to break free from all this stress. Again, when it’s time like these, go home and sleep.
Let’s assume it’s the next morning now (please make sure it’s the next morning or else you’d still be crazy minded and you won’t understand a word I’m writing here…), instead of reaching for the phone or go on the Internet, think about what would make you happy, and think of this in terms of the girl. I don’t mean this as in you need to think about her happiness, I’m saying this meaning that you’ll think of ways that she could do/say so that you’ll be happier. If you think about things like if I go to a stripe club right now with the guys, it’ll make me happier, then stop thinking and go back to sleep. (Okay, I’m being a little mean here, if you really want to go, then go, but just keep in mind that this is kinda equivalent to breaking up with her. If you want to do that, please refer to the last paragraph and label yourself a dumbass. Damn it, again I didn’t try to be mean..) If you do care about this girl and do like her, then after thinking through you’ll realize that there are a million things that she could say/do to make you feel better at this point. In order for that to happen, you need to understand girls. I know I just said you need to understand girls, and I also know that it’ll never happen.. so basically what I’m telling you to do is to do the impossible. But I do think that for every boyfriend out there, you should at least try to understand some aspects of this one girl, not all, just this one girl who you care about. One cannot understand all girls, but one can understand some aspects of one girl, that’s at least doable I think.
I’ve heard of boyfriends complain how they just have no clue why girls feel insecure and say they can’t trust them. I mean, I’m talking about boyfriends who are trustworthy friends, who’d do out of their way favors for others, who are will educated and well mannered, who do not have criminal records or even bad dating records. Then why do these girlfriends feel so insecure dating these nice guys. To explain this phenomenon, I need to first inform you that each girl is different (yea, no duh), so I can’t really tell you something that applies for one girl only. That being said, I’m going to approach this with a biological/social point of view. Let’s first ask ourselves, what’s the appropriate age range for a single woman? I’d say around 12~30. Anything below 12, consider yourself a pedophile, and anything above 30, I don’t know what to say but to bust out Feud’s theory. When we look at the appropriate age range for a single man, it pretty much ranges from puberty to the day before his death. If anything, the more mature the men are, the more attractive they become. A very different story on the women’s side. On top of this, the healthy age in my opinion for pregnancy is 25~35. I put the 25 bottom age there because I don’t know many educated women who are willing to give birth before the age of 25. The 35 is from online articles I’ve read about, you can read one if you’d like to confirm. If you are dating a girl similar to me, she’d want to be married for a year before giving birth to your child, which leaves the age range to 24~34. If this girl wants an ideal marriage and is not willing to rush into a marriage, then she’d want 2 years of dating experience with you, which then makes the age range 22~32. This leads to the conclusion that women ideally need to be in a relationship already by 22~32 if they want to have a child in the future. Now this doesn’t leave women that much time to be single, considering I’m 20 right now, I should be constantly dating and be involved in relationships in order to secure that possible child in my life in the very near future. If this does not pile up to some sense of insecurity, what will?
Another typical sentence I hear a lot is “Why are girls so picky and hard to impress?” Okay, again, I can say your girlfriend is simply bitchy or whatever, but I don’t want to specify to just one girl. Let’s again look at it in a biological perspective and ask this question: “How many children can one woman possibly give birth to?” (It’ll seem kind of random at first, but please bare with me, I promise I’ll link it back eventually) I’ll calculate it for you, if the woman received her very first period by the age of 12, by 35 she’ll be able to produce at least 276 eggs. This provides her with 276 chances to be pregnant, but wait, it takes one 10 months to give birth to one child.. so I’ll be generous here, I’ll round it off to 30 children because who knows if there might be twins and triplets odds lying around somewhere. For a men on the other hand, may contribute to become fathers of millions if not billions of children. I’m not going to research about how much sperm one can produce per second, but if you’ve taken sex education in high school, you should have a vague idea and confirm with me on this one. I’ve mentioned this because I think according to this, it should be clear why women are more picky when it comes to selecting the appropriate candidate for her uterus. In modern days, women can’t simply say I’m being picky about you because of anything remotely close related to her uterus, so it has to be the flowers, the dating location, the food, the hair, the whatever.
Now that if you understand or can now at least try to understand why girls feel insecure and are hard to impress, you should now ask yourself whether if you want to put up with that or not. Whatever your choice is, I just want to mention that back in the days, really really ancient days, when men need to hunt for food and live in coves, they did what they do best. They went around impregnating every woman they could possibly find. According to my Psychology professor, that didn’t go so well because they soon realized that the chances of their offspring actually gets delivered and carried on is very rare if they don’t take care of the women they’ve impregnated. Women are more vulnerable when they’re pregnant and they can’t go out to hunt for food, they need to be taking care of during labor. Once the baby is delivered, the woman can’t go out and hunt for food again, because they can’t take the baby with them and cannot leave them alone in the cove or else the baby will be food for some other bigger animal. So men needed to make a decision, they need to choose one woman to take care of so that their offspring will eventually be delivered and the generation will be carried on. This almost sounds like a fairy tale, doesn’t it? I just need to add a “then they’ve lived happily ever after”. Now let’s relate to modern lives, men no longer need to suffer through the consequence of dying while hunting for food, for there’s something called job security; no longer need to live in a cove and help the woman to deliver the baby, for there’s more specialized procedure for better chances. What men now need to do should be much more simple and they should therefore have better chances landing on a good woman capable of living healthily and happily the rest of his life with. But men nowadays stress over the idea that women are hard to please.. I do feel guilty piling all that seemingly responsibilities on men, because I do realize that a large chunk of why women are hard to please is because they’re spoiled as modern day brats. But so are men, if women are spoiled because we’re living in the 20th century, why aren’t men spoiled? If women are hard to impress, then men are hard to impress as well. Then based on the fact that I’ve never heard of any of my female friends complaining about, “he’s so hard to impress I’m not sure what to get him for whatever event”.. I can only conclude that women try harder to impress men while men are lazy to match that.
Please don’t tell me a specific case where you’ve tried harder and your girlfriend does nothing in your opinion. If you feel that she’s lazy and you are doing all the work, ask yourself whether if it’s worth it or not and refer to the very first method I described. If spending time with her is simply enough to make you feel happy, then why ask for more? If seeing her happy makes you happy, then why don’t you put a smile on her face more often? If nothing you do make her happy yet you two are still together, then ask yourself what’s keep up the relationship going and if that’s worth it for you, then be it.
To summarize: effort does not equate appreciation from your girlfriend; women are insecure so do not blame them for not trusting you and feel insulted when they tell you they can’t trust you; women are picky, understand that instead of using that as an excuse for breaking up with one.. The bottom line is, please try to understand the girl you are dating a bit better before you get all stressed about whatever you are doing that’s not working in your opinion. Also.. only time will do the trick about the trusting issue. After a few years, the fact that you two are still together will show how trustworthy you are to her.
Hopefully this blog entry will mean something to someone who I care greatly about.