妈妈

我周末回多伦多了。当我走进屋子的时候,感觉是那么的陌生。没有倒倒,也没有妈妈。打过电话后,明白今晚妈妈是要在她男朋友那边过夜的了。疲惫之余,再加上要面对一屋子的静寂,心里寂寞极了。一个晚上,我读了好几本书。近似疯狂地让自己迷失在虚构的故事之中,不想回来。我再次拾起电话,却又不知道该给谁打电话诉苦。一肚子的难过,我不知道该怎么说出来才会好受一些?就算说给别人听了,那些难过也还是会存在。再次让他们暴露在空气中,只会徒增痛苦。

第二天,下午5点多,电话。妈妈问,你今天要去买东西么?不去的,我要写作业。妈妈叹气,那我回去干什么啊,你知道的,ali需要我在那边帮忙。你回来是干什么来的?呵,我回家是要干什么呢?妈妈,你说呢?我回家,是为了干什么?我一定要干什么才可以回家是么?也许这里根本不是我的家。家究竟是什么?有没有家有什么关系。我照样活得好好的。我有足够的能力自己养活自己。我可以自己住,自己上学,自己工作。我去找自己的朋友,自己的生活圈。家,不就是一个可以住的地方么。

真的是么。如果家只是一个空洞洞的屋子,那么当我昨日步入这屋子的时候为什么没有回家的感觉?家,应该是以对我而言很重要很重要的人而组成的。但是面对支离破碎的亲人关系,我怎么样也理不清这些人的数量以及名讳。妈妈的家在哪里?妈妈不承认姥爷那里是她的家。那么ali那里是她的家么?那我呢?爸爸的家在哪里?在爷爷奶奶那边么?爸爸目前独身,是不是意味着没有家的束缚?那么我呢。也许我已然足够大了,也不应该附属在妈妈爸爸的家中了,所以我现在才会感觉到没有家可归。只是因为我一直自私地想依靠身边的人,才会误以为爷爷奶奶的家就是我的家,爸爸跟以前邹红妈妈的家就是我的家,妈妈的家也是我的家。也许每个人都是无家可归的人,直到有一天自己有能力组织家庭了才会有家?好困扰哦,头好疼。

可以肯定的是,妈妈的家设定里一定有不欢迎我的人。当然,我也不会欢迎他就是了。但是我希望妈妈幸福。我明白,我不能一直陪在妈妈的身边,但是他可以。我只是担心他会辜负妈妈。事实上,他已经辜负妈妈了。那么多年了,为什么他的回报微乎其微。他对妈妈的情感难道就那么地微薄么?妈妈跟他的世界我插不进嘴。有的,只是我一再的埋怨。对妈妈来讲,那些埋怨已然够多了。我不必再多说些什么了。她全然地明白的,她只是无怨无悔地一再付出,似乎那是天经地义的事情。为什么往往想到这个问题的时候我会觉得自己是大人,应该照顾妈妈。我明白我是应该照顾妈妈的,但是我不知道该做些什么好呀。

我真希望自己能够快快长大。呵,其实,长大后我也干不了什么。毕竟这是妈妈的事情。她爱,她愿意,我能怎么办?

发生在我自己身上的事情,我总是能哭过后就马上恢复原状。就算不行,也可以找人来帮我度过难关。但是妈妈呀,我怎么才能帮到你呢。我想哭,哭不出来,才发觉眼泪已干。写出来的文字就跟咒符一样,有着法力。我算是明白一天的难过源自于何了。我难过,我哭泣,不是在埋怨妈妈没能回来照顾我,而是心疼她将自己的精力与时间奉献给一个不懂得回报的人。心里仍然闷闷的,但是总算理顺了难过的缘由了。

哎。

滑校的街上总是走着形形色色的人,但是通常都很好归类。我不知道别人在走路的时候都在想些什么,但是每个人的面孔上都会附带着不同的表情,甚至影响到他们走路的姿势。那些个温文尔雅的过路人通常都是带着平常心渡过来的,越看越舒服。而那些个凶神恶煞般的人物总是让人退避三舍。他们不外乎是被学习逼疯了的学生,又或是昨晚玩疯了的醉鬼。一个人走路的时候我的心里会很平静,像一弯秋水般似的,淡泊明净得紧。我说不上是喜欢还是厌恶这种感觉,因为毕竟,心里是寂寞的。而在于人相处的时候,我往往是极其健谈的那一个。很容易地,我就会忘了自我。其实一个人是很难定位的。没有任何一项习惯或是性格是绝对的。我们总是在不停地改变、不停地寻找自我。我喜欢故事,无论是自己读书,还是看电影,都喜欢迷失在那一个个精彩的角色里面,迷失了自我。创作故事的人,是否也曾迷失在自己编出来的人物呢?

escape..

If you go over 45, you’re a bad influence.

If you go under 10, chances are you live under a rock and have no life… even more harsh.

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. done drugs.
TOTAL: 7

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. cut yourself.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL: 7

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab.
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar.
TOTAL: 4

1. been to a wild party.
2. seen the Mardi Gras.
3. drank more than four beers in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything.
6. wore black nail polish.
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. own a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL: 1

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed prep.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on your neighbor.
10. had someone sneak into your room. (how the hell would i know that?)
TOTAL: 2

1. snuck into someone else’s room.
2. had a crush on your best friend.
3. been to a concert.
4. dry-humped someone.
5. been called a slut.
6. called someone a slut.
7. installed speakers in your car.
8. broken a mirror.
9. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house.
10. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush.
TOTAL: 3

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaraunt without paying.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL: 4

1. owned/rented an apartment.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence.
3. cheated with someone.
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harrassed.
10. been verbally harrassed.
TOTAL: 4

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 12 hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 12 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drink and drive.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.

TOTAL: 7
i guess im not a bad influence =P