How I detect what Benben did for a typical dog day.

Most of the days I’d have to go out for something, whether that happens to be attending classes, or going to the studio to paint, or grocery shopping, or dinner gathers, or whatever. During those times, I’ll have to leave my dog at home. It’s quite tricky to leave a young puppy (maybe not puppy so much anymore, he just turned 1 year old on March 24, 2008) home alone. He always gets emotional whenever I leave him. He’ll get angry and then get upset. It’s really easy to tell his emotions. When he’s angry, he’ll bark at me non stop for a few seconds and then he’ll run around the dining room in circles. He’d run towards me and then stop right in front of me making a scratching sound on the wooden floor giving me a resentful stare and then he’d quickly run away again. Quite like the bitter child behaviour I would say. He gets upset when he realizes that there’s no turning back, which is when I shut the door in front of him and walk towards the elevator. He’d constantly whine behind the shut door with a high pitched voice (as if his normal barking is not high enough). From my roomate’s description: he’d whine from 10min to 30min.

So how do I detect what he does when I’m not around? At first I have no clue what he does unless he leaves traces on the ground. Which means he made mess for me to clean up. I live and learn so little by little I know how to prevent him from chewing on my slippers (this one I’m still struggling with), tearing up the tissues, digging out from the garbage pile, dragging out my laundry clothes, etc… There’s something called “bitter apple” that you can spray on the things that you don’t want the dog to bite on. It creates a scent and taste that the dog highly dislikes. The first time I tried it on Benben, he didn’t know how bad it’ll taste so he bravely took a bite. The result was hilarious: he ran in circles and constantly pushes his head into his bed. But for things like cable wires, you’ll just have to find ways to hide them. I truly learned the importance of hiding my wires after I came home to a broken macbook adaptor. I put mine under an empty basket for now and it’s been working quite lovely. I would also get him lots of chewing toys and treats to keep him busy while I’m gone such as kong (you can stuff treats inside), dried pig ears, and bones.

Obviously I can’t tell what he does for every second while I was gone, but I get a general idea from his greeting. I always get an overly excited Benben welcoming my return. It doesn’t matter whether I was gone for just a few seconds to the laundry room or garbage dump or a few hours to classes and the library. He’ll always jump up and down my leg when I come back with a jiggly tail. I was told by my pet trainer to not provide an equivalent amount of attention right back at him because that way I’ll normalize the fact that me leaving him during the day is not a big deal. If upon my leaving and return I always give him extra attention, it’ll show him that this departure is in fact a bad thing and thus he’ll act on it more and more. I do not want this kind of behaviour since I wouldn’t want him to bark forever after I leave and remain excited for hours after I come back. It’s both unhealthy for Benben and exhausting for me and people who live with me. 

There are a few exceptions to the usual excited greetings, and those are the ones that I need to watch out for. Sometimes when I come home, he’ll still be excited but other than excitement, he’ll look as if he’s scared of me. He would lay on the ground for a bit and then stand up to beg (ie. waving his arms up and down). This indicates to me that he did something very bad behind my back. But the thing is, sometimes it’s not that obvious what he did. For example, if he pooped somewhere he’s not supposed to, it’s not that obvious that I can spot his leftover right away. Heh, at least I know he definitely has done something he’s not supposed to by his reaction of seeing me so that I’ll look for it around the house. Another exception is when I come home and he appears to be extra quiet. He’d still jiggle his tail but he won’t jump up and down. By looking closely, I also realize that his butt is awkwardly positioned such that his body forms an arc shape. In the beginning I have no idea what’s causing this, but later I realized that the reason is because he didn’t finish his business completely. This could be because he ate tissue paper last night so his poop is too dry so it got stuck, or it could be he ate something oilly and his poop is too wet so his butt hair got sticky. Either way, I’ll have to take him to the washroom and wash his butt for him.. >_> 我是苦命的妈妈啊。。 

难怪。。

以前对内衣尺码的疑惑读过Kevin的Blog后终于茅塞顿开了。。。

“歐美34B=台灣34C=日本34D。”  <——这也太恐怖了吧。。。。。

她的规矩也不太多,一来是猫狗不必吃太饱,每日两餐即可;古人说的,让畜生吃中餐除了会懒与笨之外,也会不认主人,所以中餐大可省了。再来,万物存于世必得对这世界有所贡献,司其天职才行:猫捉耗子,狗看门助猎,人们则辛勤工作、促进繁荣,没有谁可以每天张口专等吃饭。

停不下来的想象

The Man from Earth (2007) 

整部电影都运用同样简单的布局跟背景叙述着不简单的故事。一边看着电影,我一边期待着高潮。我总觉得这是一部悬念电影:告诉了我男人的不寻常,然后引 诱我更深入电影观察出他的秘密。然而电影却似乎没有带给我期望中的震撼。我所谓期望中的震撼是指那种视觉上的冲击–似乎好莱坞所有大肆宣传后的电影都会 渲染上的视觉冲击。这部电影中并没有类似的效果。

戏中扮演的都是平常人–每个人都代表着一个原型。如偏激的基督徒、稳重诚恳的黑人、滑稽的冷笑话王、冲动的前卫男、以及他带着的好奇女学 生。他们代表着那个年代各式各样的人。当然,他们有一个相似之处–每个人都有那么点儿自以为是,也就是骄傲。除了女孩不说,剩下的都是教授,在学术上有 着显著的成就。而唯一一位学生,她貌美且于教授同行,比同龄学生明显有着优势,所以就算与众多教授同屋气势也并未落于人后。

由于这群人的自信,他们对于所了解的事情都会有着莫名的执着,也就造成了整部电影围绕着同样的话题反复的问答。从这些问题的角度,发问的态度 跟出发点,观众不仅仅在获取谜一样的男人的故事,更在了解屋子中其他人的性格。小小的屋子中有爱慕男人的,有憎恨他的;有的人逐渐相信了他,有的人则紧守 着自己原有的信仰。

电影平铺直叙得很理性化,没有丝毫让我感觉到不妥的地方。所有发生的事情都有前因后果:心理学家的指控到后来的转折点。一开始交代了的细节到 后来都有解释:如梵高的画、石头做的弓。如果说我喜欢这部电影,那么我的喜欢分着三个阶段。看电影的开始,我喜欢是因为男人离奇的构思紧紧地抓住了我。电 影中段,我喜欢是因为它充满悬念,迫使我等待揭秘的时刻。电影末至电影观后,我喜欢是因为虽然结束了我的脑海中仍然深深地刻印着种种新颖的对历史及科学的 推断。我感觉各式各样的思想就像电车一样一辆紧接着一辆奔驰在脑海里,狂野的想象源源不绝,就这样过了一夜。

http://www.douban.com/review/1335252/

if (Tibetan != Chinese) {} else {}

https://docs.google.com/View?docid=dggh5mp6_73fvdxt4c9

I wonder how I’d think of the riot if I’m a Tibetan. Before I came to Toronto, I’ve always thought Tibetans (西藏人) are Chinese. I mean, that’s how I was taught as a kid: 五湖四海一家人,西藏人乃是中国的少数民族。How come we didn’t learn that they weren’t happy being labeled Chinese? But I know I wasn’t the only one who’s being naive. If it wasn’t for the exposure from Tibetan students at my high school, there would be no way for me to understand the different sides of the story happening in Tibet.

When I talk to Lobsang about the issues in Tibet, including this riot, I’d always put on a defensive role. But why, I’m not sure. I just always feel like I need to back up my belief. Although I’m not even sure what it is anymore. The more I read, the more point of views I discover, the more lost I am. I’m not sure how to fill in the conditional branches in the title..

Art Show in ECH

There is an Art Exhibition going on at East Campus Hall in UW right now. It’ll last until Tuesday, March 24. One of my pieces is being displayed in the front gallery inside the building. There are paintings, mixed media, photographs, pencil sketches, etc.

My artwork is essentially a self-portrait. I used a series of still life prints to construct a timeline in my life. This is a painful yet rewarding project for me personally because I’m laying out the complications of my family. More specifically the timeline shows when certain people left my life and how they reentered again. By laying it out in the public, I’m trying to ask questions to my viewer: were their decisions that they made for me correct? Their decisions definitely shaped me for who I am today. They made me strong, mature, and responsible. But I was left with a messy and hollow childhood.

Just some background information:
After my birth in 1987 in Beijing, my dad soon left my mom and I to pursue his education in New York University. As a result I don’t have much memories with him in my childhood. My mom raised me up until the age of 3, then my parents divorced and I was being sent to full time daycare. I’d live there during weekdays and my mom would come and pick me up during weekends. From age 6 to 10, I lived with my grandparents on my dad’s side and they became the most important people to me. During that time my mom would visit during weekends and I rarely see my dad (and my stepmom). At age 10, my stepmom wished to immigrate to Canada and my dad made me to tag along with them. I was told that this is a vacation. (But it wasn’t.) I soon adapted to the environment and people around me, but then at age 14 they wanted to go back to Beijing along with their son, my half brother. I was left with no choice but to move to Toronto for where my mom settled. (Soon after I left Beijing, she immigrated to Toronto. Married, then divorced to someone I’ve never seen. She still hasn’t told me a word about that person even till now.)

Needless to say how big of an impact these things could’ve left on me. I have a blurry definition of what a family is as a result. I learned to grab onto any relationship that I can maintain to survive during these drifting years. I accept the fact that people in my life can’t protect me and won’t live with me until I’m strong enough to move out. Being forced to grow up was not easy, especially by those who I trusted so much.

We can’t say because everything worked out in the end, so everything that happened during the process have very little values in the end. I couldn’t help but feel resentful. I need to let go of these thoughts and move on. But no matter  how many times I talk to people about these I’d still feel emotional. Just as today I was talking about my piece of work in the class critique, I tried very hard to control the flow of my voice. I tried to keep it steady and tried to not let my emotions fly all over the place.

In my piece, I used a lotus to represent the timeline in the background. It represents my Chinese heritage as well as the Chinese saying: 出淤泥而不染。This Chinese proverb praises lotus because it originates from muddy ponds, yet it grows to be this aesthetically visually pleasing flower making it that much harder to imagine its origin. Lotus is also a very useful plant: its seeds are used in Chinese medicines and its roots make wonderful Chinese dishes. Therefore I chose to use the representation of lotus. The background of the lotus as well as written descriptions are all drawn on the wall itself using charcoal pencil. It creates a poetic and sensitive touch to my artwork.

What should I do when my boyfriend is pissed and I have no idea why…

The first thought I had is maybe he found out that I cheated. But wait, I never cheated… >_> okay, let me think thoroughly.. yea serious never cheated… then what the hell…..

Don’t try to force me!

I never thought it would be logical to force someone to feel something. It really doesn’t matter what that something is, the act of forcefully changing one’s emotion is rather imprudent. I realize that there were times that I can’t sympathize with one’s feelings, but there would be no way that I can falsify how that person felt. How can you even begin judging the truth value in how something can be felt? If it is not the matter of right or wrong, then why would you engage in the act of reversing the feelings of someone else? It could be that there is a direct correlation with how that person felt in relation with you such as something like this: you care about this person and the fact that he/she’s upset makes you worry. But there is no way to make him/her feel better by proving to him/her that the fact that he/she’s upset is merely stupid. It’s even more ridiculous trying to force someone to overcome their fear by pushing them. If I’m scared, then I shouldn’t feel like I need to pretend that I’m not. That’s actually one of the things that I honestly think is impossible to fake unless I need to do that for a living (ie. Acting?). Even so, I shouldn’t feel like I ought to do that to impress people around me, right? That’ll be just cruel.

Anyway, I’ve done that when I was a little girl with my dad. A lot, actually. I’ve always been scared of playgrounds. I know it sounds retarded, but I was. He’d force me to get in and play with other kids, but I was just scared. I’d get on a swing and cry. I was pretty much scared of everything in the playground. I knew it was embarrassing, but I can’t help it. Needless to say, my dad was embarrassed as well. As a result, he’d push me harder to get used to the playground. It never helped. If anything, I got even more scared. I was scared of many things when I was little. I used to think that the only thing that would keep me away from the things that I’m scared of is to fake a smile. I’ll have to pretend that I’m happy and cool with it until the other person is content. When that person is content, then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Now that I’m older, I realize how stupid that was and how sad I was. I’d never want to do that again. Not for anyone.

I still think that our feelings come natural to us. Sometimes I can’t even explain why/how I felt what I felt. Those feelings inspire me to write, to draw, to design, to create. They spark my imagination and widen my mind to something new. There shouldn’t be any reason to suppress those feelings. It’s still embarrassing to cry in public, probably even more embarrassing now that I’m older, but it’s only natural. I guess I should be glad that I’m a girl; it’d probably take a lot more time for me to be brave enough to say that otherwise. If I felt it at heart, I’ll try my best to express it through the most natural way. By natural, I mean how we were as kids, just trying to keep it real.

太快了

日子过得越来越快了,我却仍然处于讨厌等待的阶段。

还在跟爷爷奶奶过的日子里,比较烦恼的就是每天晚上不到9点就要入睡的规定。那个时候最希望的就是长大后9点过了可以陪爷爷奶奶看电视。记得有天晚上实在睡不着,偷偷地跑到客厅的门外看电视。心里砰砰地跳,近距离看着奶奶,准备一有动静马上逃窜。我忘了那晚上具体猫了多久了,反正时间不长就是了,小时候胆子太小了。

等跟爸爸过日子的时候,比较希望长大后可以无限制地读书。那个时候我等到大家都睡着之后偷偷下楼跑到爸爸书房去偷书。偷了一本又一本,好不过瘾。我每天8点不到就说要睡觉,躲进被窝里就拿着手电筒读书。日复一日,眼睛就这么毁了。等到爸爸书房的书都被我读完后,就去读同学家的书,一本一本的偷运过来,在自己的屋子里到处藏。记得有一次爸爸从我的monopoly游戏里翻出了一本同学家的书,也没跟我说就摆在我的书桌上。我回家后看到吓得半死不活的。心里一个劲儿地犯嘀咕,怎么办呀怎么办呀,天要塌下来了。但是行动依旧,晚上继续读那本被发现却没被没收的书。记得好像是萧十一郎火拼,古龙写的。12岁那会儿狂恋武侠、悬念类的。啃了一大堆类似的书,普遍吸收不进去,似懂非懂的。

后来又跟妈妈住,日子就比较放纵了。后来想要快点长大是因为交了男朋友,简称早恋。那个时候我就跟木头似的,一点情调也没有。(现在应该好些了吧,应该,应该的。)记得当时的男朋友告诉我第一次亲我的时候好比一冰坨,一点反应也没有。我记得第一次牵手的时候,他一直出汗,搞得我很想要甩下他的手在裤子上擦一擦。我当时也是有一些紧张的感觉,但是远没他那么严重。也有可能我真的很迟钝,事隔好几个钟头才反应过来。妈妈一直是反对我早恋的,她觉得我太小根本不懂怎么跟别人过日子。我确实小,确实不懂。但很多时候很多人已经很大了,仍然不懂,难道仍然不让他们谈恋爱么。

我一直是讨厌等待的,无论是人或事。明明安排好了的,为什么要等待呢。我讨厌等待长大,讨厌等待事情的开始或结束,讨厌等待他人的答复与行动。

但日子过得真的好快呀。如果我仍然讨厌等待,期望时间快些过去,日子不就会过得更快了么。我需要享受等待的滋味。在等待中过美好的日子。想想看等我真正期盼到了本来等待的人或事的时候,难道日子就更加美好了么。实则不然,日子一直都是美好的,只是我没心思欣赏它而已。

闲话家常

洗澡前突然意识到胸前的疤怎么还没长好,那都是什么时候的事儿了?是因为我胸前的skin cell比较懒惰么?

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小时候总是听奶奶念叨户口本儿户口本儿的,但始终也不知道是个啥子玩意儿。今天终于从这里读到了,看来还不是那么简单的东西呢。就是这些似乎很平常的词汇,却基本上被我忘却了它们本来的含义。也有可能小时候就不甚了了,现如今就更加不知所然了。

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那天挺晚的了我还在msn上聊天,不亦乐乎的样子,实则脑袋已然麻木不仁了。一句一句地打着,机械式的。但逐渐地,我开始回过神儿来。我看着那一行一行的字,心跳加速。看到那最关键的一句话时,“要死了”的感觉涌了出来。这时候我知道我完蛋了。又搞砸了,我想。虽然如此,心里还是美滋滋的。我贱啊我,都没辙了。还是暧昧下去好了,管他的呢。反正男女之前单纯的友谊还是比较少见的。

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在fb上我总是看到一个女孩在update。我也不认识她,记得当时好像就是她无缘无故地就加了我。这种情况挺多的,不过这个女孩总是在update,我也就去随便看了看。然后发现,她话真的很多。真的,不是一般的多。我觉得我已经够贫的了,她比我还贫。看看我暴露在网上的杂七杂八的,怎么着也可以开杂货铺了吧,她的够开超级市场了。最要命的是在她的网站上还把自己那些小碎事儿弄得跟什么似的,好似很重要一样。末了再加上一句,每个人都很暴露。啊你也太hypocrite了吧。比较好笑的是她很正经八百地在profile写上looking for friendship,但是所有文字都在呐喊给我爱啊给我一个男朋友啊。ok,我承认我有点儿过分了。如果她很不巧地读到这个(虽然可能性十分十分地小),而且很不巧地对号入座了(基本上这个可能性更小),那么我会感到非常抱歉外加一百二十分的内疚。不过按照概率来讲这简直是不可能的事情,那么就让我一笑置之好了。