How I detect what Benben did for a typical dog day.

Most of the days I’d have to go out for something, whether that happens to be attending classes, or going to the studio to paint, or grocery shopping, or dinner gathers, or whatever. During those times, I’ll have to leave my dog at home. It’s quite tricky to leave a young puppy (maybe not puppy so much anymore, he just turned 1 year old on March 24, 2008) home alone. He always gets emotional whenever I leave him. He’ll get angry and then get upset. It’s really easy to tell his emotions. When he’s angry, he’ll bark at me non stop for a few seconds and then he’ll run around the dining room in circles. He’d run towards me and then stop right in front of me making a scratching sound on the wooden floor giving me a resentful stare and then he’d quickly run away again. Quite like the bitter child behaviour I would say. He gets upset when he realizes that there’s no turning back, which is when I shut the door in front of him and walk towards the elevator. He’d constantly whine behind the shut door with a high pitched voice (as if his normal barking is not high enough). From my roomate’s description: he’d whine from 10min to 30min.

So how do I detect what he does when I’m not around? At first I have no clue what he does unless he leaves traces on the ground. Which means he made mess for me to clean up. I live and learn so little by little I know how to prevent him from chewing on my slippers (this one I’m still struggling with), tearing up the tissues, digging out from the garbage pile, dragging out my laundry clothes, etc… There’s something called “bitter apple” that you can spray on the things that you don’t want the dog to bite on. It creates a scent and taste that the dog highly dislikes. The first time I tried it on Benben, he didn’t know how bad it’ll taste so he bravely took a bite. The result was hilarious: he ran in circles and constantly pushes his head into his bed. But for things like cable wires, you’ll just have to find ways to hide them. I truly learned the importance of hiding my wires after I came home to a broken macbook adaptor. I put mine under an empty basket for now and it’s been working quite lovely. I would also get him lots of chewing toys and treats to keep him busy while I’m gone such as kong (you can stuff treats inside), dried pig ears, and bones.

Obviously I can’t tell what he does for every second while I was gone, but I get a general idea from his greeting. I always get an overly excited Benben welcoming my return. It doesn’t matter whether I was gone for just a few seconds to the laundry room or garbage dump or a few hours to classes and the library. He’ll always jump up and down my leg when I come back with a jiggly tail. I was told by my pet trainer to not provide an equivalent amount of attention right back at him because that way I’ll normalize the fact that me leaving him during the day is not a big deal. If upon my leaving and return I always give him extra attention, it’ll show him that this departure is in fact a bad thing and thus he’ll act on it more and more. I do not want this kind of behaviour since I wouldn’t want him to bark forever after I leave and remain excited for hours after I come back. It’s both unhealthy for Benben and exhausting for me and people who live with me. 

There are a few exceptions to the usual excited greetings, and those are the ones that I need to watch out for. Sometimes when I come home, he’ll still be excited but other than excitement, he’ll look as if he’s scared of me. He would lay on the ground for a bit and then stand up to beg (ie. waving his arms up and down). This indicates to me that he did something very bad behind my back. But the thing is, sometimes it’s not that obvious what he did. For example, if he pooped somewhere he’s not supposed to, it’s not that obvious that I can spot his leftover right away. Heh, at least I know he definitely has done something he’s not supposed to by his reaction of seeing me so that I’ll look for it around the house. Another exception is when I come home and he appears to be extra quiet. He’d still jiggle his tail but he won’t jump up and down. By looking closely, I also realize that his butt is awkwardly positioned such that his body forms an arc shape. In the beginning I have no idea what’s causing this, but later I realized that the reason is because he didn’t finish his business completely. This could be because he ate tissue paper last night so his poop is too dry so it got stuck, or it could be he ate something oilly and his poop is too wet so his butt hair got sticky. Either way, I’ll have to take him to the washroom and wash his butt for him.. >_> 我是苦命的妈妈啊。。 



“歐美34B=台灣34C=日本34D。”  <——这也太恐怖了吧。。。。。



The Man from Earth (2007) 

整部电影都运用同样简单的布局跟背景叙述着不简单的故事。一边看着电影,我一边期待着高潮。我总觉得这是一部悬念电影:告诉了我男人的不寻常,然后引 诱我更深入电影观察出他的秘密。然而电影却似乎没有带给我期望中的震撼。我所谓期望中的震撼是指那种视觉上的冲击–似乎好莱坞所有大肆宣传后的电影都会 渲染上的视觉冲击。这部电影中并没有类似的效果。

戏中扮演的都是平常人–每个人都代表着一个原型。如偏激的基督徒、稳重诚恳的黑人、滑稽的冷笑话王、冲动的前卫男、以及他带着的好奇女学 生。他们代表着那个年代各式各样的人。当然,他们有一个相似之处–每个人都有那么点儿自以为是,也就是骄傲。除了女孩不说,剩下的都是教授,在学术上有 着显著的成就。而唯一一位学生,她貌美且于教授同行,比同龄学生明显有着优势,所以就算与众多教授同屋气势也并未落于人后。

由于这群人的自信,他们对于所了解的事情都会有着莫名的执着,也就造成了整部电影围绕着同样的话题反复的问答。从这些问题的角度,发问的态度 跟出发点,观众不仅仅在获取谜一样的男人的故事,更在了解屋子中其他人的性格。小小的屋子中有爱慕男人的,有憎恨他的;有的人逐渐相信了他,有的人则紧守 着自己原有的信仰。

电影平铺直叙得很理性化,没有丝毫让我感觉到不妥的地方。所有发生的事情都有前因后果:心理学家的指控到后来的转折点。一开始交代了的细节到 后来都有解释:如梵高的画、石头做的弓。如果说我喜欢这部电影,那么我的喜欢分着三个阶段。看电影的开始,我喜欢是因为男人离奇的构思紧紧地抓住了我。电 影中段,我喜欢是因为它充满悬念,迫使我等待揭秘的时刻。电影末至电影观后,我喜欢是因为虽然结束了我的脑海中仍然深深地刻印着种种新颖的对历史及科学的 推断。我感觉各式各样的思想就像电车一样一辆紧接着一辆奔驰在脑海里,狂野的想象源源不绝,就这样过了一夜。

if (Tibetan != Chinese) {} else {}

I wonder how I’d think of the riot if I’m a Tibetan. Before I came to Toronto, I’ve always thought Tibetans (西藏人) are Chinese. I mean, that’s how I was taught as a kid: 五湖四海一家人,西藏人乃是中国的少数民族。How come we didn’t learn that they weren’t happy being labeled Chinese? But I know I wasn’t the only one who’s being naive. If it wasn’t for the exposure from Tibetan students at my high school, there would be no way for me to understand the different sides of the story happening in Tibet.

When I talk to Lobsang about the issues in Tibet, including this riot, I’d always put on a defensive role. But why, I’m not sure. I just always feel like I need to back up my belief. Although I’m not even sure what it is anymore. The more I read, the more point of views I discover, the more lost I am. I’m not sure how to fill in the conditional branches in the title..

Art Show in ECH

There is an Art Exhibition going on at East Campus Hall in UW right now. It’ll last until Tuesday, March 24. One of my pieces is being displayed in the front gallery inside the building. There are paintings, mixed media, photographs, pencil sketches, etc.

My artwork is essentially a self-portrait. I used a series of still life prints to construct a timeline in my life. This is a painful yet rewarding project for me personally because I’m laying out the complications of my family. More specifically the timeline shows when certain people left my life and how they reentered again. By laying it out in the public, I’m trying to ask questions to my viewer: were their decisions that they made for me correct? Their decisions definitely shaped me for who I am today. They made me strong, mature, and responsible. But I was left with a messy and hollow childhood.

Just some background information:
After my birth in 1987 in Beijing, my dad soon left my mom and I to pursue his education in New York University. As a result I don’t have much memories with him in my childhood. My mom raised me up until the age of 3, then my parents divorced and I was being sent to full time daycare. I’d live there during weekdays and my mom would come and pick me up during weekends. From age 6 to 10, I lived with my grandparents on my dad’s side and they became the most important people to me. During that time my mom would visit during weekends and I rarely see my dad (and my stepmom). At age 10, my stepmom wished to immigrate to Canada and my dad made me to tag along with them. I was told that this is a vacation. (But it wasn’t.) I soon adapted to the environment and people around me, but then at age 14 they wanted to go back to Beijing along with their son, my half brother. I was left with no choice but to move to Toronto for where my mom settled. (Soon after I left Beijing, she immigrated to Toronto. Married, then divorced to someone I’ve never seen. She still hasn’t told me a word about that person even till now.)

Needless to say how big of an impact these things could’ve left on me. I have a blurry definition of what a family is as a result. I learned to grab onto any relationship that I can maintain to survive during these drifting years. I accept the fact that people in my life can’t protect me and won’t live with me until I’m strong enough to move out. Being forced to grow up was not easy, especially by those who I trusted so much.

We can’t say because everything worked out in the end, so everything that happened during the process have very little values in the end. I couldn’t help but feel resentful. I need to let go of these thoughts and move on. But no matter  how many times I talk to people about these I’d still feel emotional. Just as today I was talking about my piece of work in the class critique, I tried very hard to control the flow of my voice. I tried to keep it steady and tried to not let my emotions fly all over the place.

In my piece, I used a lotus to represent the timeline in the background. It represents my Chinese heritage as well as the Chinese saying: 出淤泥而不染。This Chinese proverb praises lotus because it originates from muddy ponds, yet it grows to be this aesthetically visually pleasing flower making it that much harder to imagine its origin. Lotus is also a very useful plant: its seeds are used in Chinese medicines and its roots make wonderful Chinese dishes. Therefore I chose to use the representation of lotus. The background of the lotus as well as written descriptions are all drawn on the wall itself using charcoal pencil. It creates a poetic and sensitive touch to my artwork.

What should I do when my boyfriend is pissed and I have no idea why…

The first thought I had is maybe he found out that I cheated. But wait, I never cheated… >_> okay, let me think thoroughly.. yea serious never cheated… then what the hell…..

Don’t try to force me!

I never thought it would be logical to force someone to feel something. It really doesn’t matter what that something is, the act of forcefully changing one’s emotion is rather imprudent. I realize that there were times that I can’t sympathize with one’s feelings, but there would be no way that I can falsify how that person felt. How can you even begin judging the truth value in how something can be felt? If it is not the matter of right or wrong, then why would you engage in the act of reversing the feelings of someone else? It could be that there is a direct correlation with how that person felt in relation with you such as something like this: you care about this person and the fact that he/she’s upset makes you worry. But there is no way to make him/her feel better by proving to him/her that the fact that he/she’s upset is merely stupid. It’s even more ridiculous trying to force someone to overcome their fear by pushing them. If I’m scared, then I shouldn’t feel like I need to pretend that I’m not. That’s actually one of the things that I honestly think is impossible to fake unless I need to do that for a living (ie. Acting?). Even so, I shouldn’t feel like I ought to do that to impress people around me, right? That’ll be just cruel.

Anyway, I’ve done that when I was a little girl with my dad. A lot, actually. I’ve always been scared of playgrounds. I know it sounds retarded, but I was. He’d force me to get in and play with other kids, but I was just scared. I’d get on a swing and cry. I was pretty much scared of everything in the playground. I knew it was embarrassing, but I can’t help it. Needless to say, my dad was embarrassed as well. As a result, he’d push me harder to get used to the playground. It never helped. If anything, I got even more scared. I was scared of many things when I was little. I used to think that the only thing that would keep me away from the things that I’m scared of is to fake a smile. I’ll have to pretend that I’m happy and cool with it until the other person is content. When that person is content, then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Now that I’m older, I realize how stupid that was and how sad I was. I’d never want to do that again. Not for anyone.

I still think that our feelings come natural to us. Sometimes I can’t even explain why/how I felt what I felt. Those feelings inspire me to write, to draw, to design, to create. They spark my imagination and widen my mind to something new. There shouldn’t be any reason to suppress those feelings. It’s still embarrassing to cry in public, probably even more embarrassing now that I’m older, but it’s only natural. I guess I should be glad that I’m a girl; it’d probably take a lot more time for me to be brave enough to say that otherwise. If I felt it at heart, I’ll try my best to express it through the most natural way. By natural, I mean how we were as kids, just trying to keep it real.









洗澡前突然意识到胸前的疤怎么还没长好,那都是什么时候的事儿了?是因为我胸前的skin cell比较懒惰么?






在fb上我总是看到一个女孩在update。我也不认识她,记得当时好像就是她无缘无故地就加了我。这种情况挺多的,不过这个女孩总是在update,我也就去随便看了看。然后发现,她话真的很多。真的,不是一般的多。我觉得我已经够贫的了,她比我还贫。看看我暴露在网上的杂七杂八的,怎么着也可以开杂货铺了吧,她的够开超级市场了。最要命的是在她的网站上还把自己那些小碎事儿弄得跟什么似的,好似很重要一样。末了再加上一句,每个人都很暴露。啊你也太hypocrite了吧。比较好笑的是她很正经八百地在profile写上looking for friendship,但是所有文字都在呐喊给我爱啊给我一个男朋友啊。ok,我承认我有点儿过分了。如果她很不巧地读到这个(虽然可能性十分十分地小),而且很不巧地对号入座了(基本上这个可能性更小),那么我会感到非常抱歉外加一百二十分的内疚。不过按照概率来讲这简直是不可能的事情,那么就让我一笑置之好了。