When is it the right time to let go of someone?

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss – as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. 🙂