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My response to “Are Women Vampires?”

I went across this blog entry from Lynn’s blog – “Are Women Vampires?” I believe it’s written by one of her friends.

I find it sad how after so many freaking centuries, it seems like men still feel women evolve around them. Despite whether he’s stating the truth or not, despite whether women are or are not vampires, despite if women go for personalities or wealth, the bottom line is, women go for men. It’s not the fact that he feels “women are money-grubbing, blood-sucking, materialistic vampires that use sex as a weapon and turn men into zombies” that ticks me off, it’s the fact that he feels women seem to have this unbearable need to be with men that ticks me off. He’s under an invisible assumption that women need to be with men. This leads me to think, do women need men more so than men need women? I couldn’t help but to wonder, why are men so full of themselves? Don’t even try to deny it, the concept of men > women is pretty much embedded in our society. I don’t even want to discuss that topic because it seems useless to talk about it. (It’d be an interesting topic, but I just don’t feel like writing about it.)

I don’t want to and will not comment on whether I agree with his statement of women target men who are wealthy more so than men with personalities. I just want to say that if women do go for men who are more successful than they are in every other way, the relationship simply won’t work out. Despite you are a man or a woman, you’d still have some degree of dignity, so how would you feel if you are under a roof with someone who does everything better than you? There has to be some balance, the woman has to be better in some aspects that the man simply cannot match. I also don’t believe that successful women only go for even more successful men because if they are already superior in that aspect, they’d view being successful as something that’s trivial. For example, I don’t think I’d be very attracted to some guy who’s good at painting, I’d see him as a threat, because it’d make me want to draw something that’s even better. Whereas if he excels in music, I’d probably feel he’s very talented and thus attractive. This works the same way in making money in my opinion. Just take a look at the successful women in the TV series “Cashmere Mafia“. I feel the reason women go for successful men is because the ones who do go for them are the ones who aren’t good at being successful themselves! I can only imagine myself going after a man simply because he makes a lot of money if I am bad at keeping up with a lifestyle that I cannot afford. Thus I will need to rely on marrying rich to satisfy my urges. I believe this is true for every woman. I also believe that with the rise of equalities in work fields and study fields (even more encouraging for women in many fields) that this will soon be changed! Women with ideas will soon realize that they no longer need to rely on men for such urges, thus will not see that as a primary criteria for mate selection. This also indicates that my opinion on his statement relies on whether I believe all women have urges for a lifestyle they cannot afford. (You can judge whether I believe that’s true or not.)

On the ride back to Toronto, Mark mentioned that if a guy does not watch TV and does not play games, then he must be awesome. I then mentioned that Jim was like that but he’s not awesome. (I’m very bitter, yes I know.) This sort of relate to “successful men”, which is why I’m bringing it up. I told Mark that Jim focuses on school and work to keep himself busy. When he’s in school, he tries hard to keep his grades up and goes to the gym regularily when he’s not busy with course load. During coop terms, since he is very career driven, he’s chosen to work on the trading floor thus getting very little time for himself. 12 hours of work was fairly typical. He simply has no time to watch neither TV shows nor being addicted to some online game. If he keeps this up, by this, I mean being determined and being career driven, he’d be pretty successful, right? (In terms of making money strictly.) I guess the chance of him being making top cash is questionable, but I’d say there’s no way in hell that he’d be making below average salary. (He has a supportive family, both emotionally and financially.) But our relationship didn’t work out and it’s pretty much because he is so keen on being successful in the future. Well, not quite, but I feel it has something to do with it. Perhaps it’s because that he feels the need to excel in that area more so than relationship that brought an end to us. Ultimately, there wasn’t enough care devoted strictly to our relationship compared with the rest. I think that there will be a woman out there to drive him crazy though, it just wasn’t me. When a guy can still deduce logical statements to argue that you are wrong, even when you are crying, you know he’s not the one. I guess I learned that the hard way. But I did learn to counter argue while I’m in emotional distress, so I guess it’s true that you do learn something in everything.

So now, as I revisit my first paragraph, I realize that I’m a bit carried away as I encountered the Jim topic. (It’s the first time I wrote about it after the breakup. I find the very fact that we can still casually chat on MSN an indication of weak bond while dating.) I guess the bottom line is – I believe in common interest and opposite attract, but I don’t believe that women are vampires. Because based on my belief, if women are vampires, then so are men. When women are desperate for love, there will always be more men desperate to get laid (with or without love). The need is mutual and the attraction is mutual. QED.

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Marriage

Perhaps it’s because I’m living in a divorced family, or perhaps it’s because of my skeptical nature, I never quite understood the concept of marriage. When I was young, I thought of it as a legit way of living with someone else. I was under the impression that people will look down on you if you live with someone but is not married with that person. I think I developed that idea based on TV shows. A bit later, I found out that moving in with someone is actually a common practise in a relationship. In fact, my uncle lived with his girlfriend for 15 years before they got married. They have no children. So then I thought to myself, maybe marriage is like a security check, you know, for financial purposes. But not long ago, I found out that if you live with someone for more than half a year, you’ll have to split everything. That includes the house, even if one side made the purchase and it’s only under that person’s name, after living with someone else, the house will be split between the two. So now I wonder, what’s the purpose of marriage?

A common definition for marriage is a commitment between two people to stay in the relationship. So in a sense, we can say it’s a mutual agreement. A promise, if you will. But it’s a promise that can be broken if agreement does not stay mutual. For every other form of contract, there is an ending date, except marriage. Instead of making divorce so readily available, they should have an ending date to marriage with strict clause stating high profile punishment if one side wants to terminate the agreement. Once the contract ends, two parties may agree to extend or withdraw. For example, if I think the guy I’m dating is not bad, I can sign a 5 year marriage with him, just to test out the water. This means in 5 years, I am devoting myself into this relationship and that I cannot leave him. After 5 years, If I’m still on good terms with this guy, I can extend it, to maybe 10~20 years. For 10~20 years, it’d be a commitment that possibly involve giving birth and raising a child or two with him. Again, within those years, I cannot leave him nor the family. Thus during the key years of a child, the parents cannot be separated.

What I’m proposing is just an idea. There are obvious flaws in it just like the marriage system we have now. But I feel it makes marriage a bond that is a bit stronger. For a period of time, I did not believe in getting married. I simply don’t see the purpose of it, other than the general social trend. Marriage is just a piece of paper, just like a promise is just a few words coming out of someone’s mouth. They’re meaningless to me. Of course it depends on coming out of whom, but still, I feel nothing is forever, nothing lasts eternity. Everything that is set on a timeless time frame is bound to be terminated sooner or later. I remember reading this romance novel where they guy promised the girl, “I know you feel insecure and longs for a sense of foreverness. I cannot promise you forever, for I do not know the future. But I can promise myself to you for as long as I live.” I thought it was quite touching, yet I couldn’t help but to wonder, how can someone be so sure to give such a promise?

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男孩跟女孩

按理说20岁后似乎就不应该是懵懂的季节了不是么。我们这一代的人拥有着老一辈人没有过的自由。相对来说，我们应该更容易幸福才对。然而，过多的自由，过分的成长，似乎也会造成畸形的交往态度？

我发现身边很多人在现今的社会会有过于自我的认知。这种感觉会由于不同的性格以不同的方式展现出来。比较含蓄的表现就好比说走进了半满不满的公共汽车，会觉得所有的人都在看着自己。我很想要将这种心理合理化。我觉得出生在中国的孩子以自我为中心很有可能是因为独生子女的关系。在成长的过程中一直都有着父母的全部关怀。当然也会有例外的，好比本人。但毕竟我这样的属于少数，起码我希望如此。而后来过来的孩子一般来说都是家境还不错的。没有太多孩子会为了柴米油盐这类的事情而烦恼。良好的家庭背景，文化层次相对来说较高的家长，这些都是促成我们这一代人初生牛犊不怕虎的心理状态。我原本以为这种心态只会在学习以及工作上表现出来，实则不然，在异性交往中也会被这种心态影响。

我还是先说些故事吧。下面的几则都是发生在我身上或周围人的故事。由于是不同圈子认识的，所以我想应该不太可能会让人有对号入座的感觉吧。下面有以女孩角度叙述故事的，也有从男孩角度叙述故事的。这并不代表主人公就是那个男孩或者女孩。我只是选择最容易理解的一方来叙述而已。下面每一个都是独立的人物跟不同圈子的故事。为了更加隐藏这些人，我把每个故事的细节都扔掉了。我还想要提的是，我所知道的不仅仅只有这些。比较重复的故事我甚至没有写出来。

1.）女孩跟男孩A交往，觉得男孩A没有上进心，多次鼓励没有回应后感觉很失败。这时遇到了男孩B，从一开始男孩B就很积极向上，努力地筹划着未来并且追求着女孩。女孩被感动了，开始喜欢着男孩B，但为此感到对男孩A的愧疚与抱歉，所以迟迟未曾提出分手。男孩A不放心女孩，总是查她的MSN记录跟手机信箱，终于发现了她跟男孩B的故事。大发雷霆之后，两个人分手了。

2）男孩A跟女孩是同学关系。一开始是同学，逐渐转变成朋友，最后蔓延为暧昧。而女孩从一开始就在跟男孩B交往着，自始至终。男孩A希望能够将两个人的关系公开化，却又不想让女孩为难。由于女孩跟男孩B是远距离恋爱，所以事情就一拖再拖。直到最近，女孩才跟男孩B分了手，于是男孩A与其交往的事情缓缓地浮出水面。

3）男孩A跟女孩从中学开始交往，一起考入大学。男孩声称是为了女孩才进入那所大学的。但是在大一的时候，逐渐发现女孩变心了。男孩A是很自负的一个人，他十分费解女孩的动机。女孩告诉他，她想要试试看跟其他人交往。那个男孩B是大四生，让女孩觉得更有安全感。男孩A觉得自己比对方各方面都突出，所以开始对所有的女孩失去信心，认为是女孩们的问题。

4）男孩经过朋友介绍认识了女孩A，发觉喜欢并且积极地追求她。但正当两个人逐入佳境的时候，男孩跟前女友女孩B碰了面。叙旧的结果是男孩发现自己仍然十分喜爱女友B。回家后他并没有直接告诉女孩A，因为他不知道自己究竟更喜欢谁。男孩不想要伤害女孩A，也不希望让女孩B难过。但是纸包不住火，女孩A还是发现了。男孩无奈之余跟女孩A分手了。

5）女孩A在一次聚会中第一次遇见男孩。两个人几乎是一见钟情，马上打得火热。女孩A是一个敢作敢当，十分豪爽的女孩子，所以当她发现男孩其实在认识她之前就已经在跟另一个女孩交往的时候，虽然有些难过，但是仍然决定上门去跟男孩理论。巧的是，男孩的女友女孩B也在场。女孩B看到女孩A，虽然惊讶以及难过，但是跟女孩A的心理是一样的，都希望男孩可以做一个选择。男孩始终没有。等女孩A失望地走了后，他跪求女孩B的原谅。女孩B感到十分的无奈，不懂为什么男孩无论如何也做不出自己的选择。

6）男孩跟女孩A交往了五年，但是男孩在三年的那个坎儿就觉得两个人不合适继续交往。但是他不想要伤害女孩A，所以就一直拖着。他觉得也许有一天女孩A会厌倦他，就会跟他分手了。但是五年后的他们仍然在交往着，然而男孩开始喜欢上女孩B。出于无奈，男孩决定跟女孩A分手。一开始女孩A不敢相信，觉得仍然有挽救的可能。直到好几天过后她才能够接受事实。男孩没过多久后就开始公开跟女孩B交往，并且避免跟女孩A见面。

如果有好好阅读的话会发现前三个都是在讲一女两男的故事，而后三个则是一男两女的故事。我再次宣称，每一个都是不同圈子里的故事，是不同的六组人。

我不知道读过了的人会有什么感觉。但是每次我听到这样的故事，都觉得当事人不能被称为是坦诚的人。无论他们的理由如何：不想伤害对方，不想将事情搞得太复杂，不想改变目前的生活状态，等等等等。说到底，他们在害怕改变。他们害怕看到眼泪，害怕自己成为众矢之的，害怕失去原本的社交圈子。追根究底，无论害怕的是什么，理由都是自私而且懦弱的。

虽然我这样说，但是我仍然觉得感情这种事情，是没有对与错的。当我爱的时候，我就是爱啊；反之，不爱的时候也就是不爱。爱这种感觉本来就是很难掌握并且很难维持的，所以不见了并不稀奇。然而每个人都应该有将伤害减到最低的认知。我觉得很多人都有一个错误的概念，那就是让时间表明他们的心态。时间可以冲淡感情，但是却不能够说话。将机会留给时间往往会让人失去机会。而当他们没有在合适的时机表明心态，伤害是必不可少的。从小我爷爷就教导我要做一个坦率、正直的人。老一辈的人说的话其实大都不符合先进的社会，也不符合所有的社交圈子，但是对于我在乎的人，坦率、正直却是我希望我可以保障的。因为那个人值得我这么做。

我们这一代人，自由是足够的了，却没有足够的定力跟恒心。与异性交往常常是很随便的态度，并且在交往的过程中十分的自我。难道说自由反而是更大的拘束么？我希望身边的人都可以幸福，并不是那种短暂的幸福，而是细水长流的幸福。

 

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Men who I admire

There are two kinds of men that I admire. One of them is a man who’s single and knows how to handle a rejection. The other is a man who’s involved and knows how to initiate a rejection.

TYPE I

I really have no clue why people would trash their ex, or simply the person who they went after but didn’t succeed. Because wouldn’t trashing them involve trashing yourself? I mean, after all, you were the one who went after that other person. So if that person really isn’t good enough for you, why would you fall for it anyway. How stupid does that make you, huh?

Over the years, I’ve heard certain things from the guys who I rejected said to others about me. Oh yea, people gossip about things like that, which is how I get to hear the things that I’m not supposed to. Some of which are understandable, but others were just plain stupid. There was this one comment that almost made me laugh. It was in Chinese, pretty much a pun intended joke commenting on I don’t eat so I’m skinny as a twig. I get that they were trying to make fun of me and trying to be offensive, but it’s not even achieving its original purpose. Because I’m not skinny and I do eat… if anything, Jim thinks I’m pretty chubby for an Asian girl.

I don’t like meeting strangers knowing that they might know some guy who I rejected before. Because I’m paranoid that these strangers might have heard something about me that I’m not aware of. But that’s my problem to deal with. I realize that if they get to know me better then they’d know the real me, and if they don’t then they’re just strangers and I shouldn’t care how a stranger thinks about me. But it still bugs me. I’d be lying if I said I never care how strangers think of me. And I think everyone cares to a certain degree. But I just feel there’s no need trash talk the person who you once felt attracted to. I’m going to quote Russel Peters, but in a totally different context intended, “Be a man! Do the right thing!” say it with a Chinese accent. 😛

TYPE II

The other kind is rather what I think all boyfriends should do. It’s probably harder for long distance relationships and the ones with lots of temptations. And I’m probably too naive to say this, but I do feel when two people are involved in a relationship, they should be faithful to each other. I think it is natural to feel being physically attracted to others, but underneath it all, it shouldn’t be worth it to risk your current relationship.

I hear stories about my friends’ boyfriends where they’d say things like, “I didn’t like her, she liked me; I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me; I didn’t take off her clothes, she took them off, I didn’t sleep with her, she slept with me…” They just don’t have the guts to admit that they did something wrong. They’d say sorry and doesn’t even know what they did wrong. They’d beg for forgiveness and the next time use the same excuses again. The excuse that they think never goes old is: I didn’t do anything! What they don’t realize is that’s what they’re doing wrong. They should have done something, they should have said NO! They should have been able to tell when the time is to draw the line.

It’s funny how my mom’s boyfriend has the same issue. This is what happens when you have a single mother who’s been involved in a relationship for 8 years and still hasn’t gotten married yet – you need to have a talk with the boyfriend. And that’s exactly what I did. Out of everything we’ve talked about, one of which is how he flirts with other women and it always pisses my mom off. It shocked me how a 40-something-year-old man doesn’t know when to say stop.

So there they are. Men who I admire, hopefully I’ll get to see more of them.

 

 

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Long Distance Relationships

As I begin chatting to my childhood friend LinNan on MSN, bits and pieces of the past start to form vivid pictures in my head. The more I talk to her, the more I felt being left out of her world, the world I used to be in, that big yard with those three green buildings, the people living there. I could say that everything was out of my control to begin with. But ultimately, it was me who caused myself to miss out. I miss my grandparents, but I never call them unless there’s an emergency. I miss my dad, but I rarely write emails nowadays. I miss my friends, but I see them online and never talk to them. The thing is, I feel like if I don’t live in that world anymore, there’s no way to fit in just through a phone call, an email, or a brief chat on MSN.

However, I still like to think that we’re somehow connected, closely connected, can’t live without each other connected. If any one of them were taken away from me, I’d still feel equally as sad as if someone who’s currently living in my world being taken away. There is no difference underneath it all. Is there? I couldn’t help but to wonder, do they feel the same? What does it take for a relationship that’s been long held at great distance to remain the same proximity?

I was talking to Adrian yesterday about a long distance relationship that I sort of held responsible for. I introduced the guy to the girl. During that summer, they fell for each other. But guy left Beijing to NY and thus the long distance love affair began. I think ever since the girl told me over webcam that they got engaged, I started to wait for their relationship to fall apart. I’m not saying I wish anything bad to happen to them. I really don’t. She’s one of the closest female friends I have. Yet I couldn’t help but to doubt their relationship. They spend on average 2 months physically together every year and 10months apart but with a phone call on a daily basis. But here they are, four years later they’re still going at it. Is it strong trust in each other that lasted this relationship all these years or is it enormous ignorance? Or perhaps, it’s just because of what they guy said, “they clicked”? I really don’t know.

Perhaps their relationship is like what I described about mine. Even though they don’t live with each other, they still feel somehow connected with each other. Is it fair to define that the shortest distance is the reverse of what Rabindranath Tagore defined as the furthest distance in the world in his poem? I think there’s a debate about whether Tagore wrote it or was it just by 张小涵.. either way the original is not in English so I’ll have to use my judgement to translate the Chinese version I can find into English: The farthest distance does not lie within life or death, cannot be defined in terms of physical locations, it happens when I am standing right in front of you yet you don’t know I love you. It sounds a lot more romantic in Chinese somehow: 世上最遥远的距离，不是生与死的距离，不是天各一方，而是我就站在你面前，你却不知道我爱你.. if I were to state this mathematically, it would be something like this:

Let d = farthest distance, ld = life or death, pl = physical locations, y = the you don’t know factor, then (NOT(ld) AND NOT(pl) AND y) IMP d. I used the brackets for clarity, NOT and AND will be evaluated before IMP even without them. 

After a whole page of scribble, figuring out what the negate of the whole thing is by applying laws of logic, I realized that I simply can’t define NOT(d).. because NOT(d) is not the negate of the whole thing. I need to introduce something else to the equation. So I’m back to square one again.. it turns out I can’t define what the shortest distance is from what the farest distance may be.

As I stare at the coffee blankly, I feel that I should revisit my previous thought before trying to figure out what the shortest distance is. Why does it matter what the shortest distance is? Now it hit me, what I really want to know is when we have pl, is it possible to have NOT(d)? In logic terms: (NOT(d) IMP pl) EQUIV true? To look at the truth table for this, we see that despite what NOT(d) is, if pl is true, the result is true. Thus it is possible, at least by the laws of logic.

QED 🙂

 

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Why do girls complain?

Again, I’m not sure why guys complain, because I’m not a guy. But for girls, they don’t complain because they want you to solve their problems. All they want to do is talk.. I’m serious about this.. sometimes they don’t even care about any special form of reply. There’s no need to analyze what they’re talking about. They don’t want you to do anything and they’re not telling you their problems because they think there’s something you can do about it. There are a zillion things you can reply them with, something as trivial as “oh, go eat some candies” would do just fine. What they don’t want to hear is “don’t complain to me, because there’s nothing I can do about it.” You think they don’t know that?

And seriously, there’s no such thing as a girl who doesn’t complain about anything. Even if she’s independent enough, she’ll still complain to you because naturally she just wants someone to listen to her while she’s coping with her problems. There’s really no need to get pissed/upset/emo about the fact that you can’t do anything to help her out. Have a little faith in her and believe that things will be better for her sooner or later.

 

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When is it the right time to let go of someone?

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss – as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. 🙂

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linna，好好学学。。

　　其实四

吃饱之后，他负责洗碗。

擦干手走出厨房，看见她拿着手机在操作。

「我的讯息匣满了，要删一下……现在直接打电话比较多，不过以前传好多简讯给你，你都不理我。」

「咦？」他没有不理啊，每则都有打开来看过。

「像这个。」她念出手机里储存的备份资料。「『公司左边那条路封起来维修，改走右边的路回家ing』。右边的路就是你办公室那里，你至少也要走到窗边 跟我招一下手啊。还有像是这个，『刚刚看见一只大蟑螂，超可怕』，你至少该打电话来关心我一下，那我就可以叫你来我家了……」她脸红红地抬起眼眸，责怪似 瞅住他。

「啊……抱歉。」原来，那些简讯还有这些含意。

「你根本没有弄明白，其实路没维修，我也没看到蟑螂。」

「咦？那……」宋早雅更困惑了。

「……你自己想。」

结果，宋早雅最后还是没想通，那是她追他的小手段之一。

其实五

宋早雅准备要回家的时候，蔡铃茗家里的电话响了。

她接起来。

「喂？啊，叔叔……那件事……嗯，我已经决定好了，对……没有关系，我了解……不要紧的。才要谢谢叔叔这两年的帮助……嗯，两个月之后吗？我知道了。再见。」

挂了电话之后，她似乎陷入思考，于是宋早雅启唇关心问：

「怎么了？」

「嗯……我住的地方是我叔叔的房子，现在他好像有其它用途，所以我要开始找新住处了，两个月以后要搬。」

原来是这样。宋早雅看她抬起眼眸，一直一直瞅着他，好像在等他讲话。

他不明白。

因为他无语地和她对望着，所以她又说：

「两个人住的话比较省钱吧。而……而且对我来说也比较安全。」

的确，她单身一个人住在外面危险。她还是用力地看着他，表情有些奇怪……宋早雅一愣，终于懂了。他脸发热，柔声道：

「和我一起住，好吗？」

蔡铃茗非常开心地笑了。

「那我现在去收拾行李。刚好东西都整理好了。」她愉快地走进房间。

「咦？」现在？不是两个月以后吗？

宋早雅愣在原地。他依然想不到，这也是她的手段。

其实六

发现宋早雅家其实不是只有一个房间的时候，蔡铃茗傻住了。

「虽然客房我都有整理，不过棉被应该要晒一下比较好……妳今天睡我的房间，我睡客房吧。J

宋早雅很温柔体贴地对她这么说道。

然而，她满脑子只想着自己情报不全。

叔叔的房子有其它用途是真的，但并没有要她一定得搬，只是跟她稍微提一下，她也因此想到可以和宋早雅两个人一起住的事情，所以才整理房子。刚刚叔叔打电话来是巧合，来跟她确认，她也就顺水推舟的将计画提前实行。

她没想到宋早雅家里有两间房间！这岂不是变成室友了？

「啊……好。」但她还是只能答应。

夜晚，睡在柔软的床铺上，她抱着棉被。

是自己太急了吗？不不不不，一定是他太慢。她是真的没想过要发生什么，虽然发生什么也没关系……

贪心地闻着床被，这间房里满满的都是宋早雅的味道。反正没人会看到，蔡铃茗浑身发热，整个人高兴地蜷缩在厚被里，几乎就要醉了。

开心完后，她双手揪着被缘，望住天花板。

「……哼。」

她明天就去买。

很薄很薄的那种性感睡衣。

http://book.4yt.net/writer/J/7/33015/

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因果关系

前不久我于不良管道发现自己让另一个女孩失去了也许应该是属于她的幸福。这件事情对我的冲击力很大，情绪一度大起大落。她跟我的前男友交往了一个月后发觉他仍然喜欢着我。前男友坦诚无法继续，所以二人恋情不了了之。

这跟发生在我身上的情况挺像的。所发生时间也也比较吻合。我不由得不相信因果关系啊。不过两件事情还是有差别的。其一是前男友跟那个女孩是在我不知情的状况下无法继续的，其二则是他们已然交往了一个月。我当时如果算是交往了大概也称不上两三天吧，而且后来无法继续是由他的前女友介入的。

发生了那件事情后，我虽然后来跟男方和好也做了朋友，心里总还是觉得他是个懦弱、没有抉择、自私的人。对于他的前女友我见了面还是会打招呼，但也会觉得她没有自制力、贪心并且不顾他人感受。我要声明一点，虽然我这样想，但是我仍然觉得他们身上有很多优点值得我学习。我不会因为觉得此人有某些我不认同的就去排斥别人。

我记得当时他前女友跟我说：“我听她【指她的朋友】说你觉得我自私，但你要知道两年的感情不是那么轻易就可以忘记的。”我当时的反应就是她已经语无伦次了。我当时说她自私是因为我觉得她不去顾及身边其他人的感受，而我认为这跟她交往了多久是没有关联的。现在想起来她应该想要表达的是她之所以会顾不了他人的感受是因为交往了两年后会控制不了自己的感情。而控制不了就会造成在他人眼中自私的形象。

当然男方的态度在这种情况之下是很重要的。我一度觉得那个男孩很懦弱就是因为他无法抉择。他在追我的状态下跟前女友见面后竟然两个人还会说出相爱的话语，并且之后没有明白的告诉我。这件事情让我耿耿于怀了好一阵子。最后我改变了态度是因为我可以以第三人的角度来看待这件事情。无非就是两个人都有点儿感情用事嘛。我们都还年轻，感情冲动是难免的。

然而在当我发现自己在无意中也耽误了另一个女孩的时候，我这才感觉到真的不是那么容易就能概括的。要知道一开始我被一大堆情绪冲击着，并没有发现到两件事情的巧合及相似之处。我目前也正在跟男友交往，这跟那个女孩当时的情况一样。当我一开始发现前男友在跟别人交往的时候我的感觉并不是欣慰，而是淡淡的苦涩。我记得terry曾经这样形容过这种感受：“并不是说我还爱她，只是感受到再也不能拥有她的那种失落感，那也是不好受的。”之后我发现他们俩因为我而不了了之，也并不是惋惜。有了这一层的认知后，我开始惶恐。我不认为自己会欺骗别人的感情，所以当我都不知道自己为什么会有这种莫名的感受后十分恐惧。我开始想象一连串的荒谬情形来。我想要给那个女孩写信，告诉她不要气馁。也想要写信给前男友劝他move on。最后庆幸我什么也没做。

想想看，距离交往都好几年了，都仍然还有感觉，这真的不是懦弱二字可以形容的。发现交往了很久的前任男友跟别人在一起时的那种复杂感觉也不是三言二语可以形容得了的。我虽然后来仍然跟那个男孩做了朋友，但一直没能揣摩出来他与他前女友当时的感受。现在，我想我比较能够体会他们当时的无可奈何了。

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The Brain Battle..

先读一下这篇文章。

Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:

10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it

10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it

the gist of it is basically talking about this woman

adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english

me: im pretty sure its fictional

the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about

yea im just telling you the idea right now

10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it

10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it

how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it

10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it

the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill

its not just hers, but also his

she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign

to tell her that theres something wrong

because what’s going to come next?

10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her

shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket

10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else

she has never thought about all these things before the marriage

she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days

maybe some miracle will happen

10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill

maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill

maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it

10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe

she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause

she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is

10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident

she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table

10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test

so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once

and for all

because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks

10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right

after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences

10:55 AM she picked up the bill

at that moment, she felt she just saved a family

the end”

10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything

even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis

10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship

but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone

my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends

because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head

I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.

It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.

It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.

It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.

There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.

When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?

第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。

然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。

我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。