她的规矩也不太多，一来是猫狗不必吃太饱，每日两餐即可；古人说的，让畜生吃中餐除了会懒与笨之外，也会不认主人，所以中餐大可省了。再来，万物存于世必得对这世界有所贡献，司其天职才行：猫捉耗子，狗看门助猎，人们则辛勤工作、促进繁荣，没有谁可以每天张口专等吃饭。
if (Tibetan != Chinese) {} else {}
https://docs.google.com/View?docid=dggh5mp6_73fvdxt4c9
I wonder how I’d think of the riot if I’m a Tibetan. Before I came to Toronto, I’ve always thought Tibetans (西藏人) are Chinese. I mean, that’s how I was taught as a kid: 五湖四海一家人，西藏人乃是中国的少数民族。How come we didn’t learn that they weren’t happy being labeled Chinese? But I know I wasn’t the only one who’s being naive. If it wasn’t for the exposure from Tibetan students at my high school, there would be no way for me to understand the different sides of the story happening in Tibet.
When I talk to Lobsang about the issues in Tibet, including this riot, I’d always put on a defensive role. But why, I’m not sure. I just always feel like I need to back up my belief. Although I’m not even sure what it is anymore. The more I read, the more point of views I discover, the more lost I am. I’m not sure how to fill in the conditional branches in the title..
陈曼。摄影。审美。然后彻底离题
记得我跟Jim曾经有过一次对话，当时讨论得挺乏味的，没什么内容。但刚刚读了一篇采访陈曼的文章，写得不错，其中有段陈曼说的话令我想起了自己当时跟Jim坚持的想法，如下：
对陈曼而言，在镜头前没有不好的模特，只有不合格的摄影师。“模特都有他自己的特点，如果你把他的特点发挥出来，都是好的模特。”而说到超模，陈曼又有另 一番观点，“不是普通意义上的美丽就能成为超模，有好多因素。比如说她可能哪儿哪儿都长得特别完美，但就有一个缺点。如果这个缺点恰到好处的话就是一个特 点。比如刘丹，在中国大众审美里，她哪里都是完美的，但就是她长了一双丹凤眼，小翘翘鼻子，这样就可以成为超模。如果哪儿都长得没有缺陷的话，就是一大美妞儿，没什么特点不容易让人记住。”
对中国模特行业的发展，陈曼感叹：“其实现在选模特的人，或者大众也好，他们欣赏模特的审美太局限了。在生活中有很多女孩子可以成为超模，但因为没有人发现。我希望中国出现更多的国际超模，能带动中国的时尚发展。比如现在杜鹃出去了。大家就会因为杜鹃关注中国的时尚，所以我觉得模特和本土的时尚是有密切、密切的关系的。”
当时跟Jim的对话是从报纸上一张模特儿的照片开始的。那模特儿是个台湾人，名字我已然忘记了，但据说是近两年来知名度被炒得非常高的。Jim说她很漂亮，我在报纸上瞄了一眼，说还行吧。他有点儿不服，问我为什么。我不记得具体回复的是什么，不过想要表达的意思是这样的：“漂亮是漂亮，但是没特点。我看过一眼就会忘记的美人儿对我来说谈不上漂亮。”
在多伦多这个多元化的城市中，无时无刻都可以看到各种肤色外貌的人。无论是在地铁上还是学校里，我这一代的孩子中每个人都有着各自的审美观点。我不认为任何人可以说服他人审美观点的胜败与否，毕竟萝卜青菜各有所爱不是？
对于我来说，一个人的表面脂肪没太大视觉效果。现今大部分的视觉感受来自于人家穿在身上的跟涂在脸上的。更深一步地说，就是人家的气质。艺术照在我的眼里就跟垃圾是的，根本表现不出来模特儿的性格。有的甚至连基本轮廓都掩盖了，令亲朋好友叹为观止：这谁呀，整个儿塑料一个……好的照片不仅仅要体现出模特的美，我认为更重要的是要呈现人家独特的地方。
每当别人问我某某好看不好看的时候，我都需要站在他人的角度来考虑这个问题。因为凡是我喜欢的朋友在我眼里都有着他们独特的一面，而这独特感超越了平淡的视觉审美。如果我每次都按照自己的喜好来评论，实打实的不会是对方认同的答案。简单的说就是我觉得每个人都有着独特的美感，需要识货的人去欣赏。
我喜欢站在他人的角度去观察，却有时候会懊恼于这角度是如此的狭窄。也许我太在意他人的看法了，这也是我的弱点。很多时候我盲目地说出自己的看法，多次被否决后我开始从他人的审美角度看人，尤其是当我要推荐某人某物给他人时。
想到这里，我不禁纳闷儿，当我们问他人看法时，要听到的究竟是什么样子的话？我已然离题了︿
The Brain Battle..
先读一下这篇文章。
Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:
10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it
10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it
the gist of it is basically talking about this woman
adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english
me: im pretty sure its fictional
the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about
yea im just telling you the idea right now
10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it
10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it
how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it
10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it
the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill
its not just hers, but also his
she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign
to tell her that theres something wrong
because what’s going to come next?
10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her
shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket
10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else
she has never thought about all these things before the marriage
she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days
maybe some miracle will happen
10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill
maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill
maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it
10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe
she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause
she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is
10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident
she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table
10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test
so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once
and for all
because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks
10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right
after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences
10:55 AM she picked up the bill
at that moment, she felt she just saved a family
the end”
10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything
even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis
10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship
but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone
my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends
because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head
I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.
It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.
It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.
It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.
There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.
When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?
第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。
然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。
我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。
Women are not funny..
After some surfing around, I find very little satire jokes or particularly funny writing pieces on the internet popular enough to be picked up by google or digg written by women.. On the contrary, a bunch of those are inspired by women but created by men, usually on the influence to mock women or criticize the bitchy or ditsy side of them.. This only leads to my belief that women are more uptight and usually can’t make fun of themselves in a public manner, especially about topics regarding issues of which they may be against.. you know.. such as animal rights, abortion, children, vegetarian, politics, famous people, etc, etc, and they can layer on top of each other as well (like how I said animal rights and then I mentioned vegetarian again)..
I honestly don’t think when people like maddox write about those “sensitive topics” mixed up with some vulgar descriptions actually stand absolutely behind their statements. Why is it harder for women to see through the blunt titles, lighten up a little and laugh a little? Maybe it’s because we feel like we’re being contained in a role where we have to be more constrained towards topics like that? I have no idea really..
I also find that in Internet writings, people tend to over generalize pretty much everything they say as if that’ll make your writing more appealing and more important to its readers. But usually the truth is, whatever you were trying to pull is only relevant to a few people and only true in certain situations, maybe even just you. But this is a side note and I’m kind of off topic already.
There are a few female comedians out there, oh no, I don’t mean the ones with scripts or talk shows on TV, but the ones who perform in stand up comedy shows. This excludes Ellen DeGeneres (she’s the first one that popped up on google when I search for female comedians). Another reason why I should exclude her is that she’s playing by the genderless rule. I’m not a big fan of stand up comedy shows, so I can’t comment much on this, but I did find something worth to read. The last comment on that article is also notable. I’ll take his word for it, so the female comedians are as crude as the males and the ratio isn’t that bad, then why is it that the audience are largely occupied by men?
I’m going to come back to what I mentioned in the first paragraph now.. I have a feeling that I really shouldn’t start talking about the female comedians because I really don’t know much about them. I started thinking about it this morning reading through maddox’s website. I didn’t get offended by his writings, but mostly because I didn’t care. I can tell why a lot of people would be ticked off though and it’s funny seeing him giving people the evil replies on his website through hate mail titled entries.
I used to care about everything.. wanted to argue with anyone who doesn’t buy what I believe in.. I don’t remember when I started to change that attitude. Jenny asked me how I felt when I read the article “Apple is a piece of ___”, I honestly felt nothing. I don’t even think I’m that much of a Apple lover anymore, was I ever one? I still remember arguing with Jenny about how I think Apple out rule Microsoft, but I don’t remember why I was so passionate about it. Why do I even care what computer I use anyway. I think nowadays I say a lot of things I don’t mean, when I say I love something, I probably don’t even have much feelings towards it.. same thing goes for when I say I hate something. Another thing that annoys me that I do is that I give out random excuses. I say no to things and come up with a trivial reason that I can’t believe others would buy into. What happened to being sincere about everything you say to others.. >_>
I think I’m done.. I actually don’t care about the topic.. Who cares whether some women can’t lighten up to some guys’ jokes or not..
the “it” book
60uniteforchildren.com is a website designed for the launch of the newly published Art Book. This 180 pages book gathers artworks created by 60 graphic artists across the globe and is dedicated to UNICEF. After some readings, I feel that the goal of this project is not only to profit UNICEF, but also to promote graphic arts. I’m personally interested in graphic arts, so I actually know about some of the artists involved in this project. Their individual work, if being published in prints, would easily cost over the price they are selling for this book.
APAG’s association (Association for the Promotion of Graphic Arts) is the non-profit organization behind this project and they’ve cut down on some of the prices on shipping so that this book can be even more affordable. The price of this book is at 35EURO and shipping to Canada is 19EURO. I checked the exchange rate to Canadian dollars and it came to a total at around $73 including shipping. I’m not really a big fan of collecting items, but I do feel that this is something worth keeping in my own hands. Not to mention it is for a good cause, but also the rare occasion of a book that is solely created by 60 united graphic artists for the purpose of raising awareness.
Just a quick mention: the book has just been launched for sale online on October 24, 2007. There are only 2000 copies produced and 1800 on stock.
60, Unite for Children: http://www.60uniteforchildren.com
Shop Online: http://www.shop.apag-editions.org/
UNICEF: http://www.unicef.org/
PS – Jeremy and I both ordered one! =D
桃色名单
茨维塔耶娃，俄国女诗人。我曾经把她写的一首诗转贴了过来，因为里面描写的情景让我有了恋爱的冲动。可谁知道，这位才华横溢的女诗人满单子的桃花却一生未能品尝爱情的甜味。听起来很讽刺不是么？桃色名单，桃色名单，听起来浪漫且美妙的一个词组，是不是每个崇尚长大的女孩梦寐以求渴望拥有的一个名单？
对于美丽一词的设定，我坚信是愚蠢的。美丽与否，只要能够得到其在乎之人的认可就可以了。罗拉说，我漂亮么？我不知道。但是我有能力令他神魂颠倒，那就足够了。茨维塔耶娃，是相当有魅力的女性，一生当中也不凡有拜服在她的石榴裙下的男士，却为何，偏偏为何，没有完美的罗曼史？
也许我错了，她爱过，只是未曾幸福过。但我却迟疑了，难道爱情不等于幸福么？幸福究竟是什么？我们应该都曾爱过，被爱过，或者正在享受着爱与被爱，我们幸福么？
爱在大学中，爱在我们80年末的孩子堆中，是不被看好的。因为我们大多不成熟，连自己是怎样的一个人都没有摸清楚，何谈去认识并了解另一个人？大多数的大学情侣需要的是激情。因为这种感觉可以让他们在冷淡的大学中暖和一些。他们傻乎乎的伸出手，向那些个他们看的顺眼的人伸出手。手的彼端若也怀有相同的念头，桃色名单就要添加一笔粉墨了。
茨维塔耶娃爱的不是某个人，而是爱情，是她心目中理想的爱情，是她一直追寻的爱情。她享受过程，享受引诱那个人上钩的一瞬间，享受最后心碎的一霎那。她的诗，犀利而伤感，透彻而感人。她的诗，是从那一次次被伤害后的恋情中提炼出来的果实。
当桃色名单被列出来时，我们会讶然与那些曾经令我们心跳不已的人而今是如此的贫乏无味。难怪有些人称恋爱为化学反映，药效过后了无痕迹。当我们累了厌了倦了的时候，就该长大了。因为只有长大了，才会更加清楚地了解自己。换言之，长大令我们更聪明。像蝴蝶一样，退去毛毛虫的外壳。茨维塔耶娃，她长大了么？长大了，才会幸福。
以前在blog上面曾经转贴的那首诗：
我想和你一起生活
茨维塔耶娃
……我想和你一起生活
在某个小镇，
共享无尽的黄昏
和绵绵不绝的钟声。
在这个小镇的旅店里——
古老时钟敲出的
微弱响声
像时间轻轻滴落。
有时候，在黄昏，自顶楼某个房间传来
笛声，
吹笛者倚著窗牖，
而窗口大朵郁金香。
此刻你若不爱我，我也不会在意。
在房间中央，一个磁砖砌成的炉子，
每一块磁砖上画著一幅画：
一颗心，一艘帆船，一朵玫瑰。
而自我们唯一的窗户张望，
雪，雪，雪。
你会躺成我喜欢的姿势：
慵懒，淡然，冷漠。
一两回点燃火柴的
刺耳声。
你香烟的火苗由旺转弱，
烟的末梢颤抖著，颤抖著
短小灰白的烟蒂——连灰烬
你都懒得弹落——
香烟遂飞舞进火中。
九张机
九张机乃是古人以叙事的方式来编织出感人的爱情故事的渠道之一。如若寻与书中，可见多笔填写九张机的诗词。文中不凡有许多韵味十足的、细腻传神的、带着乐感跟节奏的意境。为何叫做九张机呢？其一，代表着着重于描写宋代纺织妇女们的相思之情。其二，九张机的独特之初就在于它每个章节都是三十个字，细分为三七七四四五句式。每首的韵部都相同，分以一至九张机为领。
我第一次接触到这种独特的字句，是在10岁左右。当时在阅读金庸所著：射雕英雄传。南帝段王爷的妃子英姑低喃的那首四张机诱使我反复阅读属于她与周伯通的禁忌爱恋故事。实话说，周伯通不是我所欣赏的那类人。就我而言，一个人虽然往往不能够做到一生都坦荡处事，但却应当做到最起码的敢为敢承担。而周伯通这个角色却多次在做了错事之后拍拍屁股走人也，让我十分发指。我常想，如果要我刻意去隐瞒去躲藏，还不如给我做脑部手术去切割掉那部分记忆才好。做一个坦荡的人，将是对个人而言最好的选择。因为舒坦。因为半夜不怕鬼敲门。我又扯远了，本来要说的没踩在点儿上。我是想说，虽然我不喜欢周伯通这个角色，却崇拜英姑与他那不屈不饶的爱情。我喜欢。
以下是我无聊之于按照九张机的玄机酝酿出来的一首词。请笑纳
——————————————————————————————————————————————————
一张机，湛蓝晴空浮梦游。
微情意表垂于柳，
云淡风清，
何以堪言，
絮絮落叶归。
两张机，芬芳难隐春意拂。
南行路遥回首望，
莫不相识，
心悬于恒，
抹去恋红衫。
三张机，枝子嫩芽窜绿映。
相系唯恐缠如丝，
鸳鸯同心，
逢难两别，
待时劝郎归。
四张机，朱唇墨发樱花裳。
娇红嫩粉明媚妆，
秀色裹面，
秋波目语，
只怕君迟迎。
五张机，相盼相随相离别。
却问一纸薄情言，
行行呕心，
字字沥血，
孤影丝蝉吐。
六张机，绵绵春雨落心头。
试寻乐童竹笛音，
南辕北辙，
织成山水，
无复了戚戚。
七张机，蝶儿采蜜巧心随。
莹莹枝头携手缘，
花房深处，
心遇而为，
恋恋舞相伴。
八张机，胭脂水粉浓而艳。
花天酒地把言欢，
三更过半，
啼莺鸣醒，
了却一身腥。
九张机，歌落舞平人依旧。
尘世无非一场梦，
未到痛时，
无可奉劝，
颦眉愿依君。
2503
又读完了一本书。哭了半天，却没什么好说的。
不明白为什么，有些书真的只能注重在读到时那一霎间的感受。哭过后真的是了无痕迹。我记不起究竟是为什么而哭，再次读到也不知道会不会感受到同样的悲伤。
罢了罢了，我享受的也就是那一霎那的冲动。眼泪流了出来就不值钱了，不必去追究前因后果。比较郁闷的是草草结束的末章，为什么偏偏不在完美的结局上多作笔墨呢，失败呀失败。2503房，我要存放一个银色的盒子，希望永远不需要去打开它。。
脸颊发烫
读于晴写的《及时行乐》番外篇，读到脸颊发烫。是我太纯情还是她文字太煽情呐？也许两者都不是，只是因为我喜欢文中塑造出来的两位人物。这我是知道的。从很久以前我就知道了。我喜欢的人都是很别扭的，一眼看不透的，或者说是常常表里不一的。当然，并不是奸恶之辈，而是指性格之中有两股截然相反的突出之处。像杜画师，明明是淡如秋水戏与人间的个性，却也有固执率真的一面。另一位性格反之更为突出的阮卧秋就更值得玩味了。不可否认地，我真的很喜欢这个人物。也许是由于爷爷的熏陶，从小我就崇拜着他那股刚正不阿的处世态度。做正直、坦率的人，是我打小就树下的志愿。听起来是不是很幼稚？在80年代还有谁会赞美并依附于这种精神呢。也许我连爷爷的皮毛都做不好，也做不到。然而喜欢这类人物却是改变不了的事实。阮爷梗直、认真，从不戏言。说白了，如若不是他有恩于身边伺候他的人，由于他别扭的性格问题会很不讨喜。他这样的人，不懂得做人，我实在不明白他后来的从商之道是从怎样的基础上建立的。除非他做幕后之人。不过对于此等言情小说，还是不要在细节上深究为妙，否则漏洞百出。然而阮爷对待画师却有着一股子的顽皮之态。热情二字则是由番外得来，也是为什么读到我脸颊发烫。我桌上有面镜子，余光瞟到，才惊觉自己红润的双颊，故而有此篇幅。