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Acting Nonchalant

Just recently I discovered some of my friends’ interesting mate selections. The reason I used the term mate is because they don’t seem to focus on one girl per say, so it’s really not that romantic. On top of that, they never really succeeded to the part where they get to date the girl so I guess I can’t call it dating selection. They become physically attracted to a girl, then starts the chasing without rationally thinking through whether if it could become a feasible relationship. As a result, they rarely succeed.

It got me thinking, what is the real reason behind this obsessive desperation towards the opposite sex? Is it just because they haven’t been with a girl long enough to call it a relationship? Is it due to friends who are currently involved, thus peer pressure? I couldn’t really justify it because I’m a girl. I can only speculate about why a girl wants to be involved in a relationship because she’ll feel insecure being single and such. But that’s usually based on one to one. Unlike how the guys are doing it.. sampling multiples on their plate.

I’d say from a logical perspective, the more you go after the higher the success rate would be. Although I’m not sure if this statistic theory is practical in real life dating cycle. I can see why some girls would prefer the guy to be a little desperate before they hit it off. Their way of thinking goes like this: if he’s desperate, he’ll appreciate me more and our love will thus be more passionate. Hmm.. I’m not exactly certain that it would go like that. Because think about it, if he was truly desperate, wouldn’t it mean he doesn’t care who he’s with in the first place? Perhaps the girl who he hit it off with was just one out of a zillion he sees potentials in? In other words, she’s not that special to him. Even worse, he might think that this girl is not as good as the others because she actually fell for him. I know this hypothetical guy sounds like an ass right now, but the truth is guys like that do exist.

The idea of just wanting someone, doesn’t matter who existed a long time ago. In fact, that’s pretty much how most of our parents became our parents back then. To them, it was the right time to get married, so they are being matched with someone either through friends or coworkers. Not exactly sure how it happens through western culture, but this is certainly similar to arranged marriages in South Asia. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Instead of trusting fate and your own encounters in daily life (which isn’t a lot since they don’t get to meet new people on a daily basis), you trust people around you to give you available suggestions. Back then, they usually just meet one person and that would be it.

Nowadays, it seems to me that being ready to get married became being ready to get involved, thus there’s a noticeable age shift. But the idea of doesn’t care to be with whom still persists. I’m sure my way of rationalizing single guys in my generation wouldn’t apply to everyone, but at least it fills up my own curiosity.

I do have one advice for actually getting a girl though. That would be to act nonchalant. But the sad part is I highly doubt any of the guys would be willing to admit that they’re desperate. They may not even know that they are..  

 

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Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

SAD is a type of depression that many people have probably heard of but never really knew that it had a title. I’d just simplify it as a stronger version of winter blues. I never even heard of the disorder until my coworker told me about it last coop term. In fact, I never thought it applies to other people. She told me that she has it and she feels that I may have it as well. She noticed that I always feel depressed on grey days. Her recommendation is to consult with doctors in UW, because family doctors usually don’t know about it or don’t really buy into it. But I didn’t bother to check with the doctor because summer is coming and quite frankly I was just being lazy as usual.

Just recently I realized that it may not be SAD that I’m having. It’s not really seasonal, but rather the amount of sunshine I encounter during the day. I don’t feel particularly upset during winter when it’s sunny, yet I do feel depressed even when it’s warming up but gloomy outside my window. Another symptomI noticed is that I can’t breath when the air pressure is low. This one night in Waterloo I was just studying/reading things on my bed, then gradually I just felt really uncomfortable. I felt like there’s something pressing against my chest, which makes me really uncomfortable even to the extent of throwing up. I walked around the room, opening up every window and the sliding doors to the balcony. I stood outside in my pjs for a while and still no signs of recovery. I went back to my room and talked to Jenny about it. She told me that there’s a rain storm coming. This is not the first time that I’ve felt like this, but definitely one of the stronger times. It seems like I feel like this when the air pressure is really low (usually before a storm on a grey day..or night).

All of this would led me to today’s story. This morning was just like any other mornings at home. Mom and I both woke up at around the same time preparing to go to work. She sounded happy and I sounded blue. She was whistling tones while I was hustlingthe dog. It was a grey morning so I felt like I needed more sleep and waking up just made me depressed. As I was walking down the road to the bus stop, I tripped and fell on the ground. Both hands were bleeding. The weird part is that even though I felt some physical pain, my mood changed. I no longer feel depressed and nauseous. Hmm.. could it be that my body detected the pain so the brain released endorphins which act as my body’s natural pain relief? The pain relief was not strong enough to take away the physical pain from my hands, but it did help taking away my depressing thoughts. This was just a theory I read about, never knew it’d take effect on my own body. Interesting, eh?

Something I found that’s kind of related.  

 

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Just a reminder: save up lunch money and donate it for China Earthquake Relief Fund.

I’m not a saint. If it didn’t happen in China, I probably wouldn’t have donated. I didn’t have a strong impact because I was relieved to know that no one I know is actually suffering through it. But despite all that, I still feel I should donate, spread the word, at least do something that’s within my reach. With the help of online donation sites, you’re only clicks away.

 

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Dog Park!

I went with Jerry, Peter, and Rebecca to Sunnybrook Park. We brought our dogs so that they could hang out together at the leash free zone in the park. Needless to say the dogs were all super happy!

 

dog park

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When is it the right time to let go of someone?

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss – as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. 🙂

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Summer of 2008

  • horseback riding
  • swimming
  • rock climbing
  • camping
  • pick up flute
  • learning sewing stuffed animals
  • paint murals/designs
  • continue writing my novel
  • bake cake

There is also a high chance of mom and I moving to scarbo this summer. I’m so excited to design the walls in the new place~ I’ve always wanted to paint on walls.. I think I got that from the movie “50 First Dates”.

I’ll find out if I’ve been chosen to volunteer for Beijing Olympics by May, and if I did then I’ll probably go back to Beijing. If not, then probably not because ticket prices are jacked up so high.

I’m really looking forward to summer right now, like really really.. even though I still have one last exam on 21st, I’m already dreaming about being bathed in sunshine. I can’t wait to take Benben to the beach.. not sure if he’ll know how to swim.. maybe dogs are natural at it? Hopefully he won’t be scared of water.. it’d be funny if he does.. I bet if he does, Jim will drop him in the water 以示鼓励.. what a jerk..

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How I detect what Benben did for a typical dog day.

Most of the days I’d have to go out for something, whether that happens to be attending classes, or going to the studio to paint, or grocery shopping, or dinner gathers, or whatever. During those times, I’ll have to leave my dog at home. It’s quite tricky to leave a young puppy (maybe not puppy so much anymore, he just turned 1 year old on March 24, 2008) home alone. He always gets emotional whenever I leave him. He’ll get angry and then get upset. It’s really easy to tell his emotions. When he’s angry, he’ll bark at me non stop for a few seconds and then he’ll run around the dining room in circles. He’d run towards me and then stop right in front of me making a scratching sound on the wooden floor giving me a resentful stare and then he’d quickly run away again. Quite like the bitter child behaviour I would say. He gets upset when he realizes that there’s no turning back, which is when I shut the door in front of him and walk towards the elevator. He’d constantly whine behind the shut door with a high pitched voice (as if his normal barking is not high enough). From my roomate’s description: he’d whine from 10min to 30min.

So how do I detect what he does when I’m not around? At first I have no clue what he does unless he leaves traces on the ground. Which means he made mess for me to clean up. I live and learn so little by little I know how to prevent him from chewing on my slippers (this one I’m still struggling with), tearing up the tissues, digging out from the garbage pile, dragging out my laundry clothes, etc… There’s something called “bitter apple” that you can spray on the things that you don’t want the dog to bite on. It creates a scent and taste that the dog highly dislikes. The first time I tried it on Benben, he didn’t know how bad it’ll taste so he bravely took a bite. The result was hilarious: he ran in circles and constantly pushes his head into his bed. But for things like cable wires, you’ll just have to find ways to hide them. I truly learned the importance of hiding my wires after I came home to a broken macbook adaptor. I put mine under an empty basket for now and it’s been working quite lovely. I would also get him lots of chewing toys and treats to keep him busy while I’m gone such as kong (you can stuff treats inside), dried pig ears, and bones.

Obviously I can’t tell what he does for every second while I was gone, but I get a general idea from his greeting. I always get an overly excited Benben welcoming my return. It doesn’t matter whether I was gone for just a few seconds to the laundry room or garbage dump or a few hours to classes and the library. He’ll always jump up and down my leg when I come back with a jiggly tail. I was told by my pet trainer to not provide an equivalent amount of attention right back at him because that way I’ll normalize the fact that me leaving him during the day is not a big deal. If upon my leaving and return I always give him extra attention, it’ll show him that this departure is in fact a bad thing and thus he’ll act on it more and more. I do not want this kind of behaviour since I wouldn’t want him to bark forever after I leave and remain excited for hours after I come back. It’s both unhealthy for Benben and exhausting for me and people who live with me. 

There are a few exceptions to the usual excited greetings, and those are the ones that I need to watch out for. Sometimes when I come home, he’ll still be excited but other than excitement, he’ll look as if he’s scared of me. He would lay on the ground for a bit and then stand up to beg (ie. waving his arms up and down). This indicates to me that he did something very bad behind my back. But the thing is, sometimes it’s not that obvious what he did. For example, if he pooped somewhere he’s not supposed to, it’s not that obvious that I can spot his leftover right away. Heh, at least I know he definitely has done something he’s not supposed to by his reaction of seeing me so that I’ll look for it around the house. Another exception is when I come home and he appears to be extra quiet. He’d still jiggle his tail but he won’t jump up and down. By looking closely, I also realize that his butt is awkwardly positioned such that his body forms an arc shape. In the beginning I have no idea what’s causing this, but later I realized that the reason is because he didn’t finish his business completely. This could be because he ate tissue paper last night so his poop is too dry so it got stuck, or it could be he ate something oilly and his poop is too wet so his butt hair got sticky. Either way, I’ll have to take him to the washroom and wash his butt for him.. >_> 我是苦命的妈妈啊。。 

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if (Tibetan != Chinese) {} else {}

https://docs.google.com/View?docid=dggh5mp6_73fvdxt4c9

I wonder how I’d think of the riot if I’m a Tibetan. Before I came to Toronto, I’ve always thought Tibetans (西藏人) are Chinese. I mean, that’s how I was taught as a kid: 五湖四海一家人，西藏人乃是中国的少数民族。How come we didn’t learn that they weren’t happy being labeled Chinese? But I know I wasn’t the only one who’s being naive. If it wasn’t for the exposure from Tibetan students at my high school, there would be no way for me to understand the different sides of the story happening in Tibet.

When I talk to Lobsang about the issues in Tibet, including this riot, I’d always put on a defensive role. But why, I’m not sure. I just always feel like I need to back up my belief. Although I’m not even sure what it is anymore. The more I read, the more point of views I discover, the more lost I am. I’m not sure how to fill in the conditional branches in the title..

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Art Show in ECH

There is an Art Exhibition going on at East Campus Hall in UW right now. It’ll last until Tuesday, March 24. One of my pieces is being displayed in the front gallery inside the building. There are paintings, mixed media, photographs, pencil sketches, etc.

My artwork is essentially a self-portrait. I used a series of still life prints to construct a timeline in my life. This is a painful yet rewarding project for me personally because I’m laying out the complications of my family. More specifically the timeline shows when certain people left my life and how they reentered again. By laying it out in the public, I’m trying to ask questions to my viewer: were their decisions that they made for me correct? Their decisions definitely shaped me for who I am today. They made me strong, mature, and responsible. But I was left with a messy and hollow childhood.

Just some background information:
After my birth in 1987 in Beijing, my dad soon left my mom and I to pursue his education in New York University. As a result I don’t have much memories with him in my childhood. My mom raised me up until the age of 3, then my parents divorced and I was being sent to full time daycare. I’d live there during weekdays and my mom would come and pick me up during weekends. From age 6 to 10, I lived with my grandparents on my dad’s side and they became the most important people to me. During that time my mom would visit during weekends and I rarely see my dad (and my stepmom). At age 10, my stepmom wished to immigrate to Canada and my dad made me to tag along with them. I was told that this is a vacation. (But it wasn’t.) I soon adapted to the environment and people around me, but then at age 14 they wanted to go back to Beijing along with their son, my half brother. I was left with no choice but to move to Toronto for where my mom settled. (Soon after I left Beijing, she immigrated to Toronto. Married, then divorced to someone I’ve never seen. She still hasn’t told me a word about that person even till now.)

Needless to say how big of an impact these things could’ve left on me. I have a blurry definition of what a family is as a result. I learned to grab onto any relationship that I can maintain to survive during these drifting years. I accept the fact that people in my life can’t protect me and won’t live with me until I’m strong enough to move out. Being forced to grow up was not easy, especially by those who I trusted so much.

We can’t say because everything worked out in the end, so everything that happened during the process have very little values in the end. I couldn’t help but feel resentful. I need to let go of these thoughts and move on. But no matter  how many times I talk to people about these I’d still feel emotional. Just as today I was talking about my piece of work in the class critique, I tried very hard to control the flow of my voice. I tried to keep it steady and tried to not let my emotions fly all over the place.

In my piece, I used a lotus to represent the timeline in the background. It represents my Chinese heritage as well as the Chinese saying: 出淤泥而不染。This Chinese proverb praises lotus because it originates from muddy ponds, yet it grows to be this aesthetically visually pleasing flower making it that much harder to imagine its origin. Lotus is also a very useful plant: its seeds are used in Chinese medicines and its roots make wonderful Chinese dishes. Therefore I chose to use the representation of lotus. The background of the lotus as well as written descriptions are all drawn on the wall itself using charcoal pencil. It creates a poetic and sensitive touch to my artwork.

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Don’t try to force me!

I never thought it would be logical to force someone to feel something. It really doesn’t matter what that something is, the act of forcefully changing one’s emotion is rather imprudent. I realize that there were times that I can’t sympathize with one’s feelings, but there would be no way that I can falsify how that person felt. How can you even begin judging the truth value in how something can be felt? If it is not the matter of right or wrong, then why would you engage in the act of reversing the feelings of someone else? It could be that there is a direct correlation with how that person felt in relation with you such as something like this: you care about this person and the fact that he/she’s upset makes you worry. But there is no way to make him/her feel better by proving to him/her that the fact that he/she’s upset is merely stupid. It’s even more ridiculous trying to force someone to overcome their fear by pushing them. If I’m scared, then I shouldn’t feel like I need to pretend that I’m not. That’s actually one of the things that I honestly think is impossible to fake unless I need to do that for a living (ie. Acting?). Even so, I shouldn’t feel like I ought to do that to impress people around me, right? That’ll be just cruel.

Anyway, I’ve done that when I was a little girl with my dad. A lot, actually. I’ve always been scared of playgrounds. I know it sounds retarded, but I was. He’d force me to get in and play with other kids, but I was just scared. I’d get on a swing and cry. I was pretty much scared of everything in the playground. I knew it was embarrassing, but I can’t help it. Needless to say, my dad was embarrassed as well. As a result, he’d push me harder to get used to the playground. It never helped. If anything, I got even more scared. I was scared of many things when I was little. I used to think that the only thing that would keep me away from the things that I’m scared of is to fake a smile. I’ll have to pretend that I’m happy and cool with it until the other person is content. When that person is content, then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Now that I’m older, I realize how stupid that was and how sad I was. I’d never want to do that again. Not for anyone.

I still think that our feelings come natural to us. Sometimes I can’t even explain why/how I felt what I felt. Those feelings inspire me to write, to draw, to design, to create. They spark my imagination and widen my mind to something new. There shouldn’t be any reason to suppress those feelings. It’s still embarrassing to cry in public, probably even more embarrassing now that I’m older, but it’s only natural. I guess I should be glad that I’m a girl; it’d probably take a lot more time for me to be brave enough to say that otherwise. If I felt it at heart, I’ll try my best to express it through the most natural way. By natural, I mean how we were as kids, just trying to keep it real.

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The Brain Battle..

先读一下这篇文章。

Below is a brief explanation of what that blog entry is about in English.. a pretty poor attempt I had for Adam. I also followed up with some thoughts of my own:

10:43 AM adam.kiu: it saddens me that i can’t read it

10:44 AM me: ok i’ll try to translate it

the gist of it is basically talking about this woman

adam.kiu: i think there’s things in chinese that don’t sound as good in english

me: im pretty sure its fictional

the piece of writing she has there seems like a piece from a novel you’d read about

yea im just telling you the idea right now

10:45 AM ok so it starts by saying “she’s been staring at that telephone bill on the kitchen counter for days now, shes waiting for him to take a look at it

10:46 AM she used a bunch of stuff to describe the position of it

how its beside the remote control, his cigarettes are right beside it

10:47 AM she then mentioned that there are 12 days left to pay it

the final amounts to 45 dollars for that phone bill

its not just hers, but also his

she thinks that theres something wrong with her marriage, maybe this bill is a sign

to tell her that theres something wrong

because what’s going to come next?

10:48 AM hes ignoring this bill right now, maybe later one it’ll be this marriage, even her

shes holding on to the bill, thinking to herself if she should just go and pay it on her way to the supermarket

10:49 AM but then she thought to herself, if she begins by paying for this bill, she’ll then be paying for everything else

she has never thought about all these things before the marriage

she looked at the calendar again, telling herself that there are still 12 days left, maybe he’ll notice this in 12 days

maybe some miracle will happen

10:50 AM maybe the wind will wake him up from an afternoon nap and he’ll suddenly find out about this bill

maybe a bird will fly in and land on this bill

maybe the cigarette will caught on fire and he’ll find this bill lying beside it

10:51 AM maybe maybe maybe

she smiled bitterly and thought to herself that the cause of her seeing this bill was also just a trivial cause

she sighed and thought to herself how innocent she is

10:52 AM she didn’t plan this, she didn’t want to see this and it was really just an accident

she just happen to be there that day, and happened to take a glance at this bill and happened to realize the days he called and happened to thought about this much beside the kitchen table

10:53 AM she then had a spark of thought, she cant remember who said it, but the quote was: every love cannot be taken to the test

so instead of thinking anymore, she should just let it go and be a good wife for once

and for all

because after all, its just a phone bill thats worth 40something bucks

10:54 AM this thought shifted in her heart for about 12 minutes, shifted to the left and shifted to the right

after careful analysis and weighing about the consequences

10:55 AM she picked up the bill

at that moment, she felt she just saved a family

the end”

10:56 AM i found it really interesting because thats how i do everything

even tho someone else did me wrong, like my mom or my dad or my bf or my friend or whoever, i do this kinda analysis

10:57 AM and when i make the sacrifice in the end, i feel i just saved a relationship

but what hurts me inside is that sometimes, people take me for granted.. when i say sometimes i pretty much mean everyone

my mom, my dad, my bf, my friends

because they don’t realize the sacrifices i made and that battle in my head

I really do go through a lot sometimes to preserve that relationship with someone. In many of these brain battles that I have, I won; but there are times that I’ve lost and most of those result in longer and heavier battles, which I then have won.

It hurts me when my mom can’t come home on a weekday night because she has to go to her boyfriends store to help out even though she’s not getting anything in return. When I say anything I mean he does not plan on marrying her any time soon neither is she getting paid by working at his store. Yet when my mom asked if her boyfriend could use the laptop my dad bought me for my 16th birthday, I said yes. I recently got it back, and I’m over 20 years old now. When it’s his son’s birthday, I wrapped up the mug I brought back from China and went with my mom to celebrate with them at an Iran restaurant where my mom paid for the dinner and bought the cake. Heck, I even wrapped up her valentines day present to him. I listen to my mom’s concerns about her boyfriend and give her suggestions about whether if I think he’s cheating on her when he goes to clubbing without her. She’ll never know my reaction when my aunt in China told me that she thinks how wonderful my parents were when they were still together.

It hurts me when my dad communicates with me through MSN, telling me that I’m unreasonable and irresponsible while he’s in China taking no custody for any of his children. What I’ve always did was listening to him and agree with him because I know it must’ve been hard for him as well. I’ve always tried to improve myself to be more forgiving and taking on more responsibilities because I know I need to grow up sooner than other people my age. When I emailed him about how I felt hurt with his decision of sending me to Toronto to live with my mom when he chose to stay in China after living with me for four years in Vancouver, he replied, “Duoduo, I have a lot of problems as well. You need to be thinking more in my shoes. My marriage with ZouHong (my ex-step-mom) ended and I still need to deliver my best at work.” So I became more understanding, and I delivered a professional tone with him while giving him advice on what kind of women he should date later on. I also gave him advice on what kind of father he should be for my half brother based on first hand personal experiences as a child of his. Most importantly, I never attempted to let him know how much I wished that there could’ve been just one bed, one home, and one family.

It hurt me when I broke up with Jonathan and it still does when I have flashbacks of that day. When I talk about him I never mention the few emails he wrote to me on the day we officially called it over, only the email he sent me a year later and let people know how considerate and genuine he is. I tell my friends how good he was at being such a wonderful boyfriend and that the cause of all the reasons we broke up was because of me. I changed. But when it comes to how much I depended on him and how much it hurt me when I had to break up with him, only a few saw my tears and I still think none of my friends understood how painful it was for me. Lobsang used to be the close friend of the both of us. I understand and would not blame him for blocking me on MSN after that and stayed with Jon throughout. But nevertheless, it hurt me. My high school friends silently took sides, believe me, I know this when I stopped receiving emails from group invitations. I know that the breakup was necessary and good in the long run for the both of us, so I don’t regret. I never replied to the very last email Jon sent me because I truly wanted him to move on. I want to cut every good memory of me in his heart. It hurts me still, and I feel the urge to cry writing this, but I’ll never let him know how much it hurt me on that day.

There are many relationships that I go out of my way to preserve or to extend. I’m sure many would argue that they’re simply not worth it. But the truth is, I believe every relationship is worth to keep unless keeping it results in harm in others. I’m okay with winning the battles in my head as long as there be some people who I can talk to who’d understand me. It scares me when I feel the closest people around me take me for granted. I already made my parents feel this way, I’d not want to make any one else like that.

When I do something out of my way, I want you to know that I did that. Maybe not everyone, but at least you should understand. Maybe you don’t know the thought process in my mind, but you should at least acknowledge me. I don’t need thank yous or I owe you one, I just want a nod or a smile. Is that too much to ask for?

第一步是忍耐。保持沉默，直到我找不到自己的声音。第二步是妥协。第三步是宽容。

然而，当这些反反复复的步骤一再重复在我的生活中时，我以为我会习惯会麻木会不再痛苦，却发现习惯、麻木、安然受之的是对方。

我可以挽救一段感情，拯救一个家，却不能够忍受没有人了解我的付出。