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I got hit on by a middle school boy..

There is a middle school 2 bus stops away from where I live. Every morning I need to squeeze on the bus at my stop and wait for them to get off afterwards so that I can get a seat. It’s quite annoying really. And I’m somewhat jealous of their life, so carefree, no responsibilities. I hear random chit chats here and there. The boys talk about how they hate some teacher and the girls talk about how they hate some boy in class.. it’s amusing.. brings back fond memories of my high school life. (I’ve never been to middle school. In Vancouver, elementary school runs till Grade 7, then it’s straight to secondary school which is Grade 8 to 12.. I completed Grade 8 there and then came to Toronto.)

One of the benefits of working at an IT place is that you get to wear casual clothes. Most of the days I go to work wearing T-shirts. I guess.. I guess I look young.. just didn’t know exactly HOW young I look like in others eyes. So today.. on the bus.. I was standing beside this group of boys. I can sense that they’re whispering about me, but I wasn’t paying too much attention. (I normally eavesdrop but today I was too sleepy.) I can feel that the other boys are trying to get this one Asian boy to do something, but he’s being kind of shy about it. Just before they’re getting off the shy boy poked me and asked, “Do you wanna go to class together? Erm, can I get your MSN?”

Erm..

It took me quite some seconds to realize he’s talking to me. And then it took a bit more seconds to process what he had just asked me. The bus doesn’t wait for people though, just as I stare at him blankly it was time for them to get off. I saw his face filled with hope and I felt pretty damn bad for the guy, I said, “Sorry, I’m going to work right now. I think I’m much older than you..” And then I saw the awkward expression on his face just before the bus door shut in front of my eyes. Immediately afterwards, I could’ve swore I heard a giggle behind me. But by then I was too ashamed to turn back and check. I just felt the whole bus was watching me.

What the hell man, I know I look young. But being mistaken by a middle school boy on the bus is too much. Not to mention he’s freaking Asian as well! Grrr.. grrrrrr….. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

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Crushes in the Past

I’m defining crush as a strong sense of attraction for no apparent reason that doesn’t last very long (less than a month in my case).

 

===Elementary School===

刘畅 – 我不记得了。但是后来小学同学聚会的时候被提到说好像是喜欢过，但具体小时候究竟有没有喜欢，我记不太清楚了。我只记得小学的时候他是班上的体育委员，很喜欢踢足球。后来的聚会慢慢地感觉他很够朋友、性格不拘小节、喜欢开玩笑。哎，童年一去不复返。

Ryan or Brian – I can’t remember his last name.. nor his first name. But I’ve narrowed it down to either Ryan or Brian. He’s not the most popular guy in the class, often quiet, has his own group of friends. I’ve never even talked to him in class in my memory. I remember Tracy asking me what do I see in this guy and I replied with I don’t really know. I think it began when I watched him playing basketball. He reminded me of my cousin, which then reminded me of everything in Beijing. He has blond hair and blue eyes, pale and skinny, not very tall. Yes, I still don’t know why I had a crush on him.. But I do remember jotting down his number wanting to call him after school but eventually hid the number behind the poster in my bedroom..

===High School===

David Tingle – I had this crush for a day while dating boyfriend Jonathan. I think I was crying in Physics class and he sang my all time favorite song Green Eyes by Coldplay to me. So yea.. the magic of music. It didn’t last very long though, the feelings faded as I went to bed that night. David has the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen though. Damn, I wish I can have them..

===University===

Albert Chau – He’s my Calculus Professor. I couldn’t remember his name, so I went on ratemyprofessors.com to find him (He’s being rated very high with a hot chili beside his name). Erm.. yea.. I’m not weird.. I think I developed the crush after watching A Beautiful Mind with Tracy. The idea of dating a math prof just became so wonderful over that movie. There are various occasions of flirting using words of wisdom between John Nash and his student soon to be wife (or you can simply call them being nerdy). But at that time I was completely drawn to the idea that math can be very romantic. I’ve actually attempted to pursue my crush by attending to his class even though I’m not supposed to go to his class (I belong to the other section). I then went to his after class office hours just before the midterm to “ask him questions”. After the other student was gone (I really wished he wasn’t there to begin with), we started talking about non math related stuff. Hmm.. I think we talked about KungFu related movies, books, etc. This led him on to mention that he went to a party and met NiKuang‘s son. He also showed me a photo of him with the guy and his wife (apparently she’s a celebrity in Hong Kong).

Ruosi – Again, I don’t remember his last name. He’s my cousin’s friend from Beijing. A international student, I believe. Much older than me.. oh wait, I guess I shouldn’t say that after the crush with my math prof.. But yea, I don’t know why I had a crush on him. He was playing table tennis when I first met him. I guess I just thought he was cute and that he’s adventurous because he went to Mexico for exchange student. But yea, this crush didn’t last very long..

 

OMG was that ALL there WAS? Damn, I’m such a boring person. I thought I’d have more crushes than this. But as I dig through my memory, it seems like this is all there was. My other crushes either developed into something more serious or was too brief and wasn’t memorable enough to stick in my memory. Maybe others can fill me in on this. Because I definitely thought there would be more…

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Childhood friend – Wang Ying

As I mentioned before, I feel like I’ve grown apart with my friends in China. And the further away I am, surprisingly the more vivid they become in my memory. For example the recent Sex and the City movie stirred up so many thoughts of my childhood friend Wang Ying. You’d be surprised to hear that the very first time I heard of the show Sex and the City was on a school bus ride home in Grade 8 in Vancouver. Guess what I thought it was? I over heard my two friends talking about it on the bus and I was too shy to ask them about it because I thought they were talking about PORN!

I’m not kidding…

I was thinking OMG they’re brother and sisters, why are they talking about PORN?!

I thought it’d be too weird to ask them about it, so I kept that thought to myself. I was being reintroduced to the show a year later by Wang Ying while I was spending my summer in Beijing. She was in love with the show back then, I’m not so sure if she still is now. But I do remember her wanting to buy a necklace with “Carrie” on it.

The moment Wang Ying popped into my head, a few other episodes of encounters with her stepped through. I remember one summer going back to visit her, she had a poster of soccer player Beckham on her washroom door. I asked if she likes him and she replied, “Hell no, why do you think it’s on the washroom door?” and then she told me that she got it as a gift. The same summer, I went over again to hang out and I noticed that the poster located to her bedroom door. So I asked her if she likes him now, she replied, “Well, the guy I’m having a crush on likes him so he’s on my bedroom door now.”

Another scene that sort of got stuck in my head is when I offered her a sneaky trick. This was back in another summer I went back, but I’m not exactly sure which summer it was. She came with me to a book market to grab some reads. Before we left her house, her mom gave her some money and told her to buy a studying guide and mentioned that she could keep the rest of the money for other purchases. When we got there, she couldn’t find any study guide that she think will be useful. I told her to just the cheapest study guide and keep the rest of the money for other uses. (Yes, I’m sneaky like that..) But guess what she said? “Huh? Why? I didn’t see anything I like. I’ll just give her back all the money she gave me.”

When I was still studying in Beijing, I hung out with Wang Ying a lot. She always strike me as someone who’s got it all. She has the family that I’ve always wanted. She not just lives with loving parents, but I can see just how happy they are together. It’s not the fake happiness, it’s real, I can sense it when her mom offers to cook for us for dinner, I can sense it when her dad comes home late from work and still comes by to say hi, I can sense it whenever she wanted something her parents would go get it for her, whether it’s a computer or a rabbit or a dog. I wanted all of that as a kid, but I never got any of that. Well, I guess I do get some of that, but it’s being segmented into pieces. Like I’d get homemade breakfast by mom, on occasional weekends.

Nowadays I don’t really talk to her at all anymore. I don’t even remember when was the last time I saw her, maybe 4 years ago? The closest connection we have is through xiaonei, how pathetic is that? But as I said before, there’s no way to touch base through emails or msn anyway. I’ll just have to wait till I see her again.. maybe she’ll still be as funny as giving as I remembered her by.. or she might be completely changed to someone I can’t even recognize…

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The Story of Nickel and Dime

Nickel and Dime are a couple in love. Nickel is always busy with work while dime is having a rather relaxed schedule. They mostly see each other during the weekends. Due to Nickel’s lack of freedom, they especially cherish the time they can spend with each other. Dime tries to be considerate but sometimes would still fail to realize appropriate times to contact Nickel.

One day, Dime’s building is experiencing a power outage. With little things to do, Dime decided to call Nickel. Once Nickel has picked up the phone, she immediately felt that it might not have been a good time to call him so she asked if he was busy. He replied with no but also mentioned that he’s waiting to grab some food then he needs to get on the bus. Dime thought to herself that he’s free for chit chat so she started mentioning about her plans for the following weekend. Little does she know Nickel did not have time for chit chat and he ended the conversation hastily after he had grabbed the food. Before they ended the call, Dime cried, “What? I thought you said you can talk? Don’t leave me!” which had left a bad impression on Nickel because he was in a rush and he felt annoyed. Dime, on the other hand, felt being abandoned. The couple both upset, but both decided to carry on with their lives.

The next day they had to book some reservations. Dime called Nickel to make the reservations for she does not have the proper credentials. Nickel gave them to her and told her to call because it would be long distance for him. Over the phone, Dime complained about how the deadline is approaching and it would be Nickel’s fault if they don’t get in. She said it as a joke because she didn’t think getting in is a big deal anyway. However, it triggered Nickel’s annoyance at her. He responded with, “Stop complaining. Did you know that when you tried to keep me on the phone yesterday I was so annoyed I wanted to slap you?” Dime felt that was out of the line and very uncalled for, she replied saying that she asked if he could talk first. The conversation did not end well.

At night they started a conversation over msn. Nickel noticed Dime’s unusual low response rate and asked if she’s still mad about the earlier conversation. When she replied yes he started telling her how busy he really is and how annoying she was. Dime felt that if it was a normal day, he wouldn’t have said something like that to her, so she has nothing to apologize. She then thought that he’s being like this because he’s tired and possibly a bit stressed. But it doesn’t matter how she tries to fit into his shoes, she still felt that what he said was very rude. So she said good night to him and left it at that.

Nickel felt that Dime was being pretty immature and ignorant about this whole thing. Immature because she just left the conversation without explaining herself and ignorant because he feels she never understood how busy he really is, no matter how hard he tries to explain to her. He told Dime not to call him later tonight if she doesn’t want to talk about it now and then left the conversation. Nickel felt that every time they have a fight it’s because he got annoyed at her first. He started another conversation with Dime and told her that he doesn’t get mad easily but once he does, he could say really hurtful things. He could be a scary man. Dime concurred. They both hope that day won’t come along. Dime thought to herself that she needs to be more careful, not just to prevent him from getting mad at her but more to protect herself from getting hurt. Nickel asked Dime to bare with him sometimes for he does not want to get her hurt either.

Being angry can be very scary when you realize you can’t control your words and actions. It’s not even about how much you care or not care about the person you’re hurting, because when you are in that state, you don’t realize what kind of damage you’re doing and you couldn’t think through what kind of consequences may occur. Dime hopes Nickel could change that aspect of him but she knows that it’s probably a rather naive thought. For now she’s learning to be more laid back and let little things to slide. There’s no point in getting serious about something unless it’s worth the time. And for other times, being serious just makes you an unpleasant nutbag.

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Men who I admire

There are two kinds of men that I admire. One of them is a man who’s single and knows how to handle a rejection. The other is a man who’s involved and knows how to initiate a rejection.

TYPE I

I really have no clue why people would trash their ex, or simply the person who they went after but didn’t succeed. Because wouldn’t trashing them involve trashing yourself? I mean, after all, you were the one who went after that other person. So if that person really isn’t good enough for you, why would you fall for it anyway. How stupid does that make you, huh?

Over the years, I’ve heard certain things from the guys who I rejected said to others about me. Oh yea, people gossip about things like that, which is how I get to hear the things that I’m not supposed to. Some of which are understandable, but others were just plain stupid. There was this one comment that almost made me laugh. It was in Chinese, pretty much a pun intended joke commenting on I don’t eat so I’m skinny as a twig. I get that they were trying to make fun of me and trying to be offensive, but it’s not even achieving its original purpose. Because I’m not skinny and I do eat… if anything, Jim thinks I’m pretty chubby for an Asian girl.

I don’t like meeting strangers knowing that they might know some guy who I rejected before. Because I’m paranoid that these strangers might have heard something about me that I’m not aware of. But that’s my problem to deal with. I realize that if they get to know me better then they’d know the real me, and if they don’t then they’re just strangers and I shouldn’t care how a stranger thinks about me. But it still bugs me. I’d be lying if I said I never care how strangers think of me. And I think everyone cares to a certain degree. But I just feel there’s no need trash talk the person who you once felt attracted to. I’m going to quote Russel Peters, but in a totally different context intended, “Be a man! Do the right thing!” say it with a Chinese accent. 😛

TYPE II

The other kind is rather what I think all boyfriends should do. It’s probably harder for long distance relationships and the ones with lots of temptations. And I’m probably too naive to say this, but I do feel when two people are involved in a relationship, they should be faithful to each other. I think it is natural to feel being physically attracted to others, but underneath it all, it shouldn’t be worth it to risk your current relationship.

I hear stories about my friends’ boyfriends where they’d say things like, “I didn’t like her, she liked me; I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me; I didn’t take off her clothes, she took them off, I didn’t sleep with her, she slept with me…” They just don’t have the guts to admit that they did something wrong. They’d say sorry and doesn’t even know what they did wrong. They’d beg for forgiveness and the next time use the same excuses again. The excuse that they think never goes old is: I didn’t do anything! What they don’t realize is that’s what they’re doing wrong. They should have done something, they should have said NO! They should have been able to tell when the time is to draw the line.

It’s funny how my mom’s boyfriend has the same issue. This is what happens when you have a single mother who’s been involved in a relationship for 8 years and still hasn’t gotten married yet – you need to have a talk with the boyfriend. And that’s exactly what I did. Out of everything we’ve talked about, one of which is how he flirts with other women and it always pisses my mom off. It shocked me how a 40-something-year-old man doesn’t know when to say stop.

So there they are. Men who I admire, hopefully I’ll get to see more of them.

 

 

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My new pet: Jim

Me: Jim, can we have a dog and two cats when we grow up?

Jim: …

Me: Jim, can we have a dog, two cats, and a rabbit when we grow up?

Jim: Only if you can take care of them, I’m only responsible for playing with them! *evil grin*

Me: *multiple smack attacks on Jim’s face*

Jim: Why don’t you just take care of me instead. I can be a pet. If you give me treats, I’ll do tricks for you.

Me: *thinking to myself that I’m gonna have one Jim, one dog, two cats, and a rabbit when I grow up*

 

 

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Long Distance Relationships

As I begin chatting to my childhood friend LinNan on MSN, bits and pieces of the past start to form vivid pictures in my head. The more I talk to her, the more I felt being left out of her world, the world I used to be in, that big yard with those three green buildings, the people living there. I could say that everything was out of my control to begin with. But ultimately, it was me who caused myself to miss out. I miss my grandparents, but I never call them unless there’s an emergency. I miss my dad, but I rarely write emails nowadays. I miss my friends, but I see them online and never talk to them. The thing is, I feel like if I don’t live in that world anymore, there’s no way to fit in just through a phone call, an email, or a brief chat on MSN.

However, I still like to think that we’re somehow connected, closely connected, can’t live without each other connected. If any one of them were taken away from me, I’d still feel equally as sad as if someone who’s currently living in my world being taken away. There is no difference underneath it all. Is there? I couldn’t help but to wonder, do they feel the same? What does it take for a relationship that’s been long held at great distance to remain the same proximity?

I was talking to Adrian yesterday about a long distance relationship that I sort of held responsible for. I introduced the guy to the girl. During that summer, they fell for each other. But guy left Beijing to NY and thus the long distance love affair began. I think ever since the girl told me over webcam that they got engaged, I started to wait for their relationship to fall apart. I’m not saying I wish anything bad to happen to them. I really don’t. She’s one of the closest female friends I have. Yet I couldn’t help but to doubt their relationship. They spend on average 2 months physically together every year and 10months apart but with a phone call on a daily basis. But here they are, four years later they’re still going at it. Is it strong trust in each other that lasted this relationship all these years or is it enormous ignorance? Or perhaps, it’s just because of what they guy said, “they clicked”? I really don’t know.

Perhaps their relationship is like what I described about mine. Even though they don’t live with each other, they still feel somehow connected with each other. Is it fair to define that the shortest distance is the reverse of what Rabindranath Tagore defined as the furthest distance in the world in his poem? I think there’s a debate about whether Tagore wrote it or was it just by 张小涵.. either way the original is not in English so I’ll have to use my judgement to translate the Chinese version I can find into English: The farthest distance does not lie within life or death, cannot be defined in terms of physical locations, it happens when I am standing right in front of you yet you don’t know I love you. It sounds a lot more romantic in Chinese somehow: 世上最遥远的距离，不是生与死的距离，不是天各一方，而是我就站在你面前，你却不知道我爱你.. if I were to state this mathematically, it would be something like this:

Let d = farthest distance, ld = life or death, pl = physical locations, y = the you don’t know factor, then (NOT(ld) AND NOT(pl) AND y) IMP d. I used the brackets for clarity, NOT and AND will be evaluated before IMP even without them. 

After a whole page of scribble, figuring out what the negate of the whole thing is by applying laws of logic, I realized that I simply can’t define NOT(d).. because NOT(d) is not the negate of the whole thing. I need to introduce something else to the equation. So I’m back to square one again.. it turns out I can’t define what the shortest distance is from what the farest distance may be.

As I stare at the coffee blankly, I feel that I should revisit my previous thought before trying to figure out what the shortest distance is. Why does it matter what the shortest distance is? Now it hit me, what I really want to know is when we have pl, is it possible to have NOT(d)? In logic terms: (NOT(d) IMP pl) EQUIV true? To look at the truth table for this, we see that despite what NOT(d) is, if pl is true, the result is true. Thus it is possible, at least by the laws of logic.

QED 🙂

 

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Weird Encounter on the Street

So I’m walking Benben around my neighborhood after work. It’s a hot sunny day: the first 27C this summer. I’m wearing a relatively tight t-shirt with knee length shorts. Seriously, nothing revealing. As I walk down the road, I see a guy walking towards me with each of his hands holding on to a kid. One boy, one girl. “Aww, so adorable” I thought to myself while holding Benben back afraid that the kids will be scared of dogs.

As I’m passing him, he commented “Nice Dog.”

I followed by “Thanks.”

“But not as nice as you.”

“Thanks…”

So now I’m thinking in my head.. I should have instead said something like “Cute kids, but not as cute as you.” What was he thinking?? You don’t hit on random girls on the street while walking your kids!

Grrr.. out of all of the weird guys hitting on me on the street, this has got to be one of the top idiots..

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Why do girls complain?

Again, I’m not sure why guys complain, because I’m not a guy. But for girls, they don’t complain because they want you to solve their problems. All they want to do is talk.. I’m serious about this.. sometimes they don’t even care about any special form of reply. There’s no need to analyze what they’re talking about. They don’t want you to do anything and they’re not telling you their problems because they think there’s something you can do about it. There are a zillion things you can reply them with, something as trivial as “oh, go eat some candies” would do just fine. What they don’t want to hear is “don’t complain to me, because there’s nothing I can do about it.” You think they don’t know that?

And seriously, there’s no such thing as a girl who doesn’t complain about anything. Even if she’s independent enough, she’ll still complain to you because naturally she just wants someone to listen to her while she’s coping with her problems. There’s really no need to get pissed/upset/emo about the fact that you can’t do anything to help her out. Have a little faith in her and believe that things will be better for her sooner or later.