流溢的思绪

二十四个小时,有多少个小时可被我捕捉?

三百六十五个日子,有多少个日子够我细细品味?

岁岁年年人不同,有多少人停留在我左右?

我的小半生都活在梦里。在朦胧的世界混杂着我模糊的记忆。清晨的十分钟,我流溢的思绪曾撒满了头枕。而傻傻的我,却仍不自觉。再一小会儿,我这么说着。合眼后却俨然醒悟,梦中的时间在变换着。你有没有感觉过,在那短短的几分钟内,却好像经历了一生一世的旅程。而有时候,漫漫长夜却在眨眼间消失。是啊,梦总是在捉弄着我,迷幻着我的感官。

清晨忙碌的步伐,傍晚疲倦的背影。许许多多人一沉不变的坚持。每日不变的行程,却总是会遇到各式各样的面孔。每张脸的背后,都有一段故事。然而短短的一眼瞬息而过,之后就好似从来没有见过对方一样。多少次的偶遇都烟消云散。如果说人的大脑是数据库,那么记忆就好比结构化查询语言(SQL)。可怜的是大部分人的记忆力实在无法与SQL比拟,就连最简易的选择指令都要很长时间才能传送过来。我总是希望在平凡的日子里多一些偶遇的发展,可以促进对那天的记忆。那天究竟是哪天我却是不在乎的。

欲言又止的摸样,你看过么?别扭的心态,就算感觉到了又如何?很多时候就算看到了,感觉到了,表面上却无动于衷。这并不是因为不在乎,而是无能为力。这样的想法慢慢地变为多数。在地铁上看到的广告,并不都是为了推销产品。有些是道德或精神上的广而告之,是善言。然而那么多人逐步而行,呆滞的眼神就算看到了却不聚焦。人们似乎都麻木了,因为感觉到自身的渺小而不屑去改变。就算改变了又如何,仅仅是一个人而已,我听到他们这么说着。

一天有多长?有时长有时短。几年后的今天,我却觉得那天实在只有一瞬之长。时间拉得越久,那天似乎就越短。直到最后,那天已然不存在。这就是我的记忆力么?实在很可悲。按照数学归纳法来延续这个想法的话,生命似乎幻化为空值。

啊,好悲观的想法啊。。

Orz

Facebook tagging game

Appearance

1. Parts of my hair appear to be reddish brown, especially around the forehead area.
2. I actually have 3 piercings on my left ear and 2 piercing on my right ear. But the third one on my left ear closed up by itself because I didn’t wear anything for a while, while one of the two on my right ear was a mistake. So really, I only have 2 on my left and 1 on my right.
3. My eyes have double eyelid when the seasons change or if there’s a sudden jump in temperature. For instance, my left eye became double the day before yesterday and today. So I look like this right now: O_o
4. I’m double jointed. I can bend my right hand’s index finger to an angle that will usually freak people out.
5. I always have bruises on me as results of my clumsiness. They are quite obvious in summer because they’ll be all over my legs.

Behavior

6. I sing Chinese kiddish songs when I’m hyper.
7. I know way too many Chinese kiddish songs and MaoZeDong songs. And the sad part is I like to sing them.
8. I can’t remember lyrics for any popular culture songs. In fact, the only songs that I can remember lyrics for are some Chinese kiddish songs. And if I don’t, I sing them while making up stuff.
9. When I’m in a daze or thinking intensely (actually, it doesn’t have to be that intense), I tend to do something random without noticing it. Like this one time Lu and I were swimming and he caught me “chopping” water with my two hands right after I asked him a question and I was stuck in my train of thoughts. He had a good laugh and till this day he still wouldn’t let go of that.
10. Because of the fact that I have bad eye sight and never wear glasses when I’m out, I tend to squint a lot when I try to recognize people’s faces and street names. And the reason I need to squint at street names is because when I’m lost, I need to call people and describe my location. I was told that describing trees, buildings, and bicycles doesn’t quite work out.

Preference

11. I get really disappointed when plans don’t work out the way I thought they would. But I get extremely happy when plans turn out better than expected.
12. I don’t like to carry a lot of things with me because I have spinal problems and my neck and back always hurts if I give them a little stress. But if I don’t have that problem, I can easily see myself carrying an oversized purse with me everywhere.
13. I eat everything except bitter melon and raw onion. But having said that I like a lot of flavors but I might not eat them. Like I don’t mind having parsley, garlic, coconut, ginger and various other flavors in my food, but I wouldn’t eat them. An extreme example would be I love the flavor of onion, but I don’t like to eat big chunks of it. I would eat them if I can’t identify them (ie. In soup or stew or sauces).
14. I like to plan ahead and organize events.
15. I’m pretty lazy so I like to walk slow and Jeremy complains about that a lot. But if I’m cold, I tend to walk super fast and I get super annoyed when people who I’m working with are slow or the sidewalk is narrow and the person in front of me is slow. For times like those, I repetitively yell out TAOYAN in my head.
16. I like having gathers of people. The reason I like playing card/board games is because I have a legit reason to sit at a table with lots of people around me. But huge crowds of strangers scare me.
17. I sleep a lot because I like it.. but also because I might have S.A.D… or maybe I think I have that because I want an excuse to sleep.
18. I used to be scared of dark. I can’t sleep in darkness. When I was living in China, my grandma leaves the lights on until I’m asleep. When I was living in Vancouver, I have a night light turned on throughout the night. But now, I need to sleep in pitch black and I hate it when I can still see things after I turn off my bedroom light.

Animals and Pets

19. I love animals. I don’t approve the kind of liking that people claim they do when they’ve never actually took care of any or established any bond with them. It’s pretty much like saying I like CS without having experience in coding.
20. I’ve always wanted a deviruchi as a pet (both in RO and in real life). Having said that, I’ve never actually earned a deviruchi in RO unless it was a high rate server or low rate server and friends with GM. I’m a little ashamed of myself for the latter, just a little though.
21. I want a BaiNiangNiang, but unfortunately Lu hates snakes, so that will never be fulfilled. Fortunately, Lu said I can have up to 8 dogs and unlimited cats. Oh and unlimited babies.
22. When I was living in Vancouver, I had a wolf and husky hybrid who I named Lucy.
23. No matter what kind of bad things I tell others about Benben, he’s still the best in my mind. I have a feeling that’s how I would feel when I have a kid.

Future

24. I want to have twins. But I realize it’s not really up to me. So I will settle for one of the following in order of preference: 1 boy and 1 girl, 2 girls, 2 boys and 1 girl, 3 boys. I think two would be enough, unless the first two are both boys, I won’t consider giving birth to the third one. Because I heard it’s painful. If it’s not, then I will consider to have more.
25. My goal is to have a big happy family. Life is meaningless without the people who you want to enjoy it with.

Weird Phone Call

8:30 in the morning, both Mom and I are in a rush to get to work, our phone rings.

mom – “Who calls international this early in the morning?” (Judging by the ringtone, we can tell it’s international)
me – “…”
mom – *checks display* “It’s definitely those surveys again, I’m not picking it up.”
me – “…”

The phone kept on ringing, repetitively. They must’ve called at least 3 times. By the time I’m at the door, I’m already fully equiped, ready to take off. The phone is still ringing. I picked it up.

me – “Hello?”
waiting…
me – “Hellow??”
phone – “Hi.”
me – “Who is this?”
phone – “I need to speak to Chris.”
me – “You got the wrong number.” *expecting apology*
phone – “What? How long has it been a wrong number?”
me – *WTF?!* “What??”
phone – “I need to speak to Chris Blah!” (I forgot the full name.)
me – “You got the wrong number! And I need to leave now!”
phone – *hangs up*
me – (=_=)b

My Painting On Display

I’m having my painting displayed on campus right now, in the Williams Cafe shop. Well.. so not really “on campus”. It’s a giant painting: 48” X 36” oil on canvas. It’s the fourth painting that I had to do for my painting course last term. The criteria is figures in environment. It came to my surprise that they wanted to exhibit this painting at Williams. I’ve always seen student pieces there, never knew who’s in charge of doing so until they’ve contacted me. I went to ECH to pick up my painting and discovered a sticky note attached to it asking to hang it at Williams. Soon after it was up there (they hung it in the beginning of January and I received the email 2 days ago), I got someone asking me if it’s for sale. I’m still debating whether I should sell it yet.. and if so, how much? I’m surprised that there are people willing to buy it..

Depressing

The weather is so depressing these few days and it will be even more depressing as winter progresses. On my way home last night after work, with every step along the way, I smashed my boots in the dirty snow childishly making the “chia” sound. The roaring wind pushed me to lower my hood, which then resulted in me staring down at my own childish act. The rhythm of “chia” became faster as I sped up the process, I’ve been stepping harder and faster at the same time. Little did I know, I’ve walked past my home without realizing it. By the time I found out, I’m already at the end of the street. I pulled off my hood, turned around, saw a pedestrian walking towards me, pulled the hood back, and began walking backwards towards my house. I tried pulling my hood really really down and walking normally so that I won’t look too too stupid when I’m passing him by.

I don’t really like it when strangers talk to me in public, especially when I’m on a tight schedule. I hate it when they are rude or trying to make me sign up for stuff. But what ticks me off the most is when I have no idea what they said.. So this morning on my way to work, I was walking along Adelaide when I happened to encounter this random stranger. He walked passed me and said something that sounded like this, “blah blah blah-ai.” So basically the only sound I picked up is the ending sound “ai”. My immediate reaction was smiling to him as he passed me by. But then I realized that he could’ve said “Get out of my way!”, which would really piss me off. This thought really made me angry because I’d be such a loser if I smiled back to something like that. I tried to think positive, so I thought to myself that he could’ve said “Have a nice day!”, which would’ve been nice and worked out fine with me smiling back to him. And then I started thinking other possible phrases that he could’ve said.. including a question: “Where is The Bay?” and other foreign language possibilities. By the time I realized that I’ve walked past my office, I was already on an unknown intersection. Once again, I got my hood down. Seriously, as if that’s going to make me look less stupid for walking backwards! Grr.. how I hate this weather.. and grr.. how I hate getting lost!

>_______________________________________________<

善解人意

善解人意,似乎是一个很简单的形容词。

第一次接触到是在读星座的时候,读到巨蟹座的属性,里面提到这个星座的人都善解人意。这自然是不正确的。在我看来星座最多也只能作为对性格的参考而已。但开始让我感兴趣的是这个词所指的意思。要声明的是,我并没有查字典,下面所说的完全是我自己的随笔。

“善”这个字我认为可以有两种解法:完善、善良。而“解”这个字也可以有两种解法:理解、解释。人意两个字比较直白,大致就是讲他人的意为、想法、动向。“善”字作为完善来解释的话,就是指在这方面很有能力,所以会表现得十分突出。但是当做为善良来解释,就是指此人性格温顺,以和为贵。“解”这个字可以包括向他人表达自己的理解也可以不包括,但是心思细腻的这项特征却仍然是存在着的。这么一来,就出现了六类人。为什么是六类,而不是四类人呢?因为“完善”跟“善良”是可以合并的。

1. 能够完善地理解他人的意为、想法、动向。我认为这类人通常城府比较深。有个事儿喜欢憋在心里头,长期下来肯定得病。

2. 能够善良地理解他人的意为、想法、动向。这里有必要说明一下,既然此人并不是能够完善地理解,那么有可能是在曲解为善事。所以这类人通常都比较天真,执着地一视同仁。

3. 能够完善并且善良地理解他人的意为、想法、动向。这种人就比较变态了,属于自欺欺人型。如果(2)所指的人是天真的,那么这类人就是假装天真。明明已经知道世界不那么美好了,却依然顽固地画上彩虹。

4. 能够完善地解释他人的意为、想法、动向。说到解释,就要明白这类人口才要好。这类人不仅仅工于心计、而且善于表达,不去当侦探还真有点可惜。当然如果非要去当坏人,也是一等一的谋士。

5. 能够善良地解释他人的意为、想法、动向。我觉得这种人朋友肯定一大把,而且肯定不是信佛就是信教。当然能够一直保持这种心态肯定不容易,如果不是被父母洗脑了就是一生没受过很多挫折。

6. 能够完善并且善良地解释他人的意为、想法、动向。这类人比较可怜,属于有苦说不出型。并且十分有可能是双重性格。由于长期把实话憋着,心理压力承受能力肯定也比较高。

是不是读完会有种想要对号入座的感觉?我写完了也在琢磨自己属于哪种人。下次我写一段小小说当作测试题好了。就是类似网上性格测试的那种quiz一样。

其实想想看能够做到完善地理解他人这一点,很少人可以做得到。很多时候我们都先入为主,想当然地觉得别人就是这么一回事儿。这有可能是因为我们自己就是这个样子的,也有可能是因为看过太多这样的人。人们都有一种惰性,那就是相信第一个侵入的那个认知。很多时候我们都被自己误导了。也许这就是为什么人们不擅长认错,因为惯性地认为自己的第一个想法是对的,所以拒绝接纳其他的可能性。还有这也是为什么小辈绝对不能跟长辈顶嘴,因为人家的想法都已经根深蒂固了,小辈还能去凑什么热闹啊。

Christmas is for People with No Responsibilities

This has been my MSN name ever since I felt the pressure of Christmas arriving. A bunch of people asked me about it already and my response was always something along the lines of I had to clean the house and cook for a lot of family guests. I never quite fully enjoyed Christmas because I never had a Christmas. Well, as a Chinese immigrant I must correct that to be “a Christmas that I imagined it to be”.

Ever since I heard about Christmas, I dreamed of meeting Santa Clause. I always felt that if I truly believe in him, then I can one day meet him. It’s pretty ironic that now I feel the complete opposite, I feel that Santa Clause truly does not exist. Perhaps a lot of kids have had this transition of belief, but I feel mine is worth mentioning because I never received any Santa gifts, though I still believed his existence for the longest time. People in my family never bought into the whole Santa thing.

When I was living in Vancouver, I told my dad to buy a giant sock for me before Christmas. I told him that it’s for Santa. He took it as “it’s a Christmas thingy”. I put it on the fireplace, wishing that something magical would happen, but obviously it didn’t. I remember telling my dad later that Santa is supposed to put gifts in it on Christmas eve, I don’t remember what his response was. The next year, I put the sock there again, still no Santa. But I didn’t lose faith, I continued until this one day (this happened 4 years later in Toronto at a friend’s birthday party), my friend told me that her parents would put gifts beside her when she’s sleeping on Christmas eve to make her believe Santa’s existence. And then it hit me, I’ll even make a sound for it, BAM! It hit my head, that Santa Clause doesn’t exist! It’s all fictional, for stupid kids to buy into their parents’ tricks. But the funny thing is, my dad never did, but I still believed in Santa.

I think what really tricked me was that Santa knows what I want. The thing is, I don’t know what I want, but I felt that I wanted something. Maybe anything would’ve made me happy. My dad believed that if it’s something I don’t need, then it’s worthless. Every time I wanted something, I had to somehow make it something I need. For instance, the giant sock, I had to tell him that because we will have guests over, we should have some Christmas decorations in the house. Now, because I made it a whole family thing, it becomes okay to purchase the giant sock, otherwise it would not have been. This is probably something that’s embedded in almost all Chinese parents: to teach their children the difference between “need” and “want”.

In western culture, Christmas is for kids. You see this on TV, in movies, and most definitely, in the toys. But it’s not exclusively for kids, nowadays the media get to everyone who’s capable of a little spending (which will later turn into a whole lot). The presents are never about whether if the person needs it, it’s about whether if the person will like it. And “like” translates to “want” in most cases, unless you’re dealing with a Chinese parent (who most likely doesn’t celebrate Christmas anyway).

Christmas in my household, or most households that I know of, is a special occasion. It’s no longer “Christmas”, it’s just a day that family and family friends gather together. For my generation, we’re obligated to stay with the family on the day of. It becomes a sense of responsibility. For me, I feel that I ought to behave a certain way. As I grow older, I stopped hoping to receive presents, I began giving them out. As I make more money, the gifts become pricier as a result. From a simple scarf and necklace at age 16 to a 52” LCD TV at age 21. Because to me, Christmas is still about giving. Even though I realized that Santa does not exist, I still feel that the key idea here, is to give. Perhaps I will never have a Christmas the way I imagined it to be, for I no longer am a kid thus even if Santa does exist he’s not going to put presents in my socks. But there’s still a little piece of me that hope one day my kids will believe in Santa, because it was a nice feeling having something to hope for at night.

This Is Called SAD!

What is called sad? This is called sad:

I’ve always been extremely bad at finishing this game. In fact, I’ve never actually “successfully” finished a round of this by myself yet. As I’m procrasinating today (I should be studying for the CS370 final.. it’s tomorrow night..), I figure I’ll give this game another try, but what do I get? I get SAD. How the hell am I supposed to know the bottom corner is a freaking BOMB?!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRR! And if you look at the top corner, it’s all boolean chances. I’m so so sad right now, so so so sad. Words Cannot Describe my kind of SADNESS!

*cries*