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Weird Encounter on the Street

So I’m walking Benben around my neighborhood after work. It’s a hot sunny day: the first 27C this summer. I’m wearing a relatively tight t-shirt with knee length shorts. Seriously, nothing revealing. As I walk down the road, I see a guy walking towards me with each of his hands holding on to a kid. One boy, one girl. “Aww, so adorable” I thought to myself while holding Benben back afraid that the kids will be scared of dogs.

As I’m passing him, he commented “Nice Dog.”

I followed by “Thanks.”

“But not as nice as you.”

“Thanks…”

So now I’m thinking in my head.. I should have instead said something like “Cute kids, but not as cute as you.” What was he thinking?? You don’t hit on random girls on the street while walking your kids!

Grrr.. out of all of the weird guys hitting on me on the street, this has got to be one of the top idiots..

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Why do girls complain?

Again, I’m not sure why guys complain, because I’m not a guy. But for girls, they don’t complain because they want you to solve their problems. All they want to do is talk.. I’m serious about this.. sometimes they don’t even care about any special form of reply. There’s no need to analyze what they’re talking about. They don’t want you to do anything and they’re not telling you their problems because they think there’s something you can do about it. There are a zillion things you can reply them with, something as trivial as “oh, go eat some candies” would do just fine. What they don’t want to hear is “don’t complain to me, because there’s nothing I can do about it.” You think they don’t know that?

And seriously, there’s no such thing as a girl who doesn’t complain about anything. Even if she’s independent enough, she’ll still complain to you because naturally she just wants someone to listen to her while she’s coping with her problems. There’s really no need to get pissed/upset/emo about the fact that you can’t do anything to help her out. Have a little faith in her and believe that things will be better for her sooner or later.

 

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Acting Nonchalant

Just recently I discovered some of my friends’ interesting mate selections. The reason I used the term mate is because they don’t seem to focus on one girl per say, so it’s really not that romantic. On top of that, they never really succeeded to the part where they get to date the girl so I guess I can’t call it dating selection. They become physically attracted to a girl, then starts the chasing without rationally thinking through whether if it could become a feasible relationship. As a result, they rarely succeed.

It got me thinking, what is the real reason behind this obsessive desperation towards the opposite sex? Is it just because they haven’t been with a girl long enough to call it a relationship? Is it due to friends who are currently involved, thus peer pressure? I couldn’t really justify it because I’m a girl. I can only speculate about why a girl wants to be involved in a relationship because she’ll feel insecure being single and such. But that’s usually based on one to one. Unlike how the guys are doing it.. sampling multiples on their plate.

I’d say from a logical perspective, the more you go after the higher the success rate would be. Although I’m not sure if this statistic theory is practical in real life dating cycle. I can see why some girls would prefer the guy to be a little desperate before they hit it off. Their way of thinking goes like this: if he’s desperate, he’ll appreciate me more and our love will thus be more passionate. Hmm.. I’m not exactly certain that it would go like that. Because think about it, if he was truly desperate, wouldn’t it mean he doesn’t care who he’s with in the first place? Perhaps the girl who he hit it off with was just one out of a zillion he sees potentials in? In other words, she’s not that special to him. Even worse, he might think that this girl is not as good as the others because she actually fell for him. I know this hypothetical guy sounds like an ass right now, but the truth is guys like that do exist.

The idea of just wanting someone, doesn’t matter who existed a long time ago. In fact, that’s pretty much how most of our parents became our parents back then. To them, it was the right time to get married, so they are being matched with someone either through friends or coworkers. Not exactly sure how it happens through western culture, but this is certainly similar to arranged marriages in South Asia. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Instead of trusting fate and your own encounters in daily life (which isn’t a lot since they don’t get to meet new people on a daily basis), you trust people around you to give you available suggestions. Back then, they usually just meet one person and that would be it.

Nowadays, it seems to me that being ready to get married became being ready to get involved, thus there’s a noticeable age shift. But the idea of doesn’t care to be with whom still persists. I’m sure my way of rationalizing single guys in my generation wouldn’t apply to everyone, but at least it fills up my own curiosity.

I do have one advice for actually getting a girl though. That would be to act nonchalant. But the sad part is I highly doubt any of the guys would be willing to admit that they’re desperate. They may not even know that they are..  

 

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Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

SAD is a type of depression that many people have probably heard of but never really knew that it had a title. I’d just simplify it as a stronger version of winter blues. I never even heard of the disorder until my coworker told me about it last coop term. In fact, I never thought it applies to other people. She told me that she has it and she feels that I may have it as well. She noticed that I always feel depressed on grey days. Her recommendation is to consult with doctors in UW, because family doctors usually don’t know about it or don’t really buy into it. But I didn’t bother to check with the doctor because summer is coming and quite frankly I was just being lazy as usual.

Just recently I realized that it may not be SAD that I’m having. It’s not really seasonal, but rather the amount of sunshine I encounter during the day. I don’t feel particularly upset during winter when it’s sunny, yet I do feel depressed even when it’s warming up but gloomy outside my window. Another symptomI noticed is that I can’t breath when the air pressure is low. This one night in Waterloo I was just studying/reading things on my bed, then gradually I just felt really uncomfortable. I felt like there’s something pressing against my chest, which makes me really uncomfortable even to the extent of throwing up. I walked around the room, opening up every window and the sliding doors to the balcony. I stood outside in my pjs for a while and still no signs of recovery. I went back to my room and talked to Jenny about it. She told me that there’s a rain storm coming. This is not the first time that I’ve felt like this, but definitely one of the stronger times. It seems like I feel like this when the air pressure is really low (usually before a storm on a grey day..or night).

All of this would led me to today’s story. This morning was just like any other mornings at home. Mom and I both woke up at around the same time preparing to go to work. She sounded happy and I sounded blue. She was whistling tones while I was hustlingthe dog. It was a grey morning so I felt like I needed more sleep and waking up just made me depressed. As I was walking down the road to the bus stop, I tripped and fell on the ground. Both hands were bleeding. The weird part is that even though I felt some physical pain, my mood changed. I no longer feel depressed and nauseous. Hmm.. could it be that my body detected the pain so the brain released endorphins which act as my body’s natural pain relief? The pain relief was not strong enough to take away the physical pain from my hands, but it did help taking away my depressing thoughts. This was just a theory I read about, never knew it’d take effect on my own body. Interesting, eh?

Something I found that’s kind of related.  

 

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Just a reminder: save up lunch money and donate it for China Earthquake Relief Fund.

I’m not a saint. If it didn’t happen in China, I probably wouldn’t have donated. I didn’t have a strong impact because I was relieved to know that no one I know is actually suffering through it. But despite all that, I still feel I should donate, spread the word, at least do something that’s within my reach. With the help of online donation sites, you’re only clicks away.

 

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我是一个别扭的小孩

我是一个别扭的小孩，这我是一直都知道的。

上幼儿园全托所的时候我曾因为讨厌奶奶特地为我缝的枕头而不开心。我在想啊，为什么奶奶这么会折磨人，在枕头里放了这么多豆子呢。所以我趁没人睡觉的时候偷偷地从另一张床上偷了一个放了棉花的枕头。虽然当时年纪很小，但已经懂得做贼心虚的道理。也懂得随便拿人家一个枕头是绝对会被发现的。所以我把两个枕头的枕套换了一下然后把自己的枕头留给了人家。幸好睡在那张床上的孩子比较迟钝，没有发觉枕头的秘密。自从这件事情之后我就发觉到做贼其实很好玩，而且还可以瞒过所有人。但是很快的我就发觉自己实在是太天真了。

在幼儿园午休的时候我总是睡不着。但是会有老师逼着我们睡觉，所以不得不躺在床上意思意思。有一次我实在忍不住了，就侧过身子盯着幼儿园灰黑色的水泥地板。我盯着盯着就鬼迷了心窍。我开始在地上吐口水。我真的一点儿恶意也没有，只是单纯的无聊。我看着口水把浅灰色的水泥地板染成了深黑色，十分地有成就感。于是继续吐，越吐越开心。直到我床边已经被污染了一大片我才发觉到如果这个时候老师进来可不得了了。然后我就开始拿自己的鞋子在地上涂啊涂啊，希望把口水摊开就可以快些晒干。但是老天爷明显没有照顾到我幼小的心灵，所以老师在我还没掩盖好自己的恶行之前就走了进来。我连忙闭上眼睛装睡，在心底呐喊不要过来啊老师千万不要过来啊。但是没有人听到我的呐喊，只听老师在我耳边叫我的名字。我继续装睡，继续呐喊老师快走啊我在睡觉啊。但是还是没人听到。老师开始拍打我的脸蛋，发出了pia pia的声音。我感到自己大难临头，脸颊火辣辣地烧着。老师把我拉了起来，我虽然站在床上被老师拉来拉去，仍然拒绝睁开眼睛。我依旧别扭地在心里呐喊我在睡觉啊老师。我不记得最后怎样了，不过反正老师并没有听到我的呐喊，坚持戳破我没有睡觉的无声谎言。

嗯，大概就是那个时候吧。我发觉自己胆大包天，但是往往承受不了后果。下场就是笨拙地以幼稚的方法掩护自己，并且在心里别扭地说着谎话。有时候甚至会别扭地把谎话说出来给大人们听。最后通常都会死得很惨。

在中国上小学，勾心斗角的事情比在加拿大上小学要多多了。记得当时自己很喜欢这种勾心斗角，因为很刺激呀。我曾经干过一些现在想起来都觉得不适合小学生干的邪恶事情。咳，也不是邪恶，但反正不纯洁就是了，而且还瞒过了一票人。现在长大了反省一下希望以后不会有太大的恶报。名字我就不要在这里说明了吧。。。

小学的时候中午都会有小饭桌，也就是同学们统一在学校吃饭所以不必自己带饭。那时候一个月要给学校交72块钱的伙食费。（不要问我为什么会记得这么清楚，因为我也不知道。）但是因为爷爷自己很喜欢零食，当然也是因为爷爷很宠我，所以每天都会为我准备不同的零食在午餐的时候吃。班上几乎没有人有这样的待遇（在我的印象里似乎没有）。我带了吃的总是会跟班上另外两个很要好的朋友一起分配。带一个巧克力派，我们就一分为三；带一袋锅巴，我们就平均分成三份儿；带一包糖，我们就……you get the idea..听起来是不错的孩子吧，懂得分享。但是我要坦白的是我曾经做了一件很不好的事情。有天课休的功夫我回教室拿个什么东西，看到另外一个女孩的包里放了一盒糖。我当时心里就在想，每天自己带吃的都要分，真是不公平啊，如果把她的拿走了就可以多一份可以分了，这样自己可以分到的就更多了！然后又在想，啊不对啊，如果拿了她的糖，我就不用分了，自己都吃掉该多好啊，这样就有一又一分之三了！就变成另外两个人的四倍了呢。然后我就拿了她的糖，放在自己的包里了。

啊，很邪恶吧，我有点儿不想写了，就让它成为心里的秘密吧。

不行，一定要写出来，否则报应会来的。

但是我可能天生就不是会独吞的料，所以午餐的时候我竟然把自己带的跟自己偷的都拿出来了分享。我其实到现在都在后悔自己当时怎么那么笨呢。而且好死不死的，那个女孩竟然看到我在分赃。我记得她当时还哭了，说我偷了她的糖。我当时整个人都慌了，也不知道该说什么好。但是两个朋友竟然异口同声地为我辩护，说我不可能去拿她的。而且说我每天都带，怎么可能去偷她的糖呢。他们左一说右一说的，让我自己也感觉良好了起来，也觉得自己没有去偷她的糖。我甚至还心安理得地把偷来的糖分成了四份，每个人分一份。那个女孩后来感觉很惭愧，说一定是自己不知道把糖放在哪里了，看到一样的糖就栽赃我所以很对不起我。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊，我是不是会下地狱啊啊。。。

不过如果是说报应的话，我应该已经尝到了。后来在温哥华继续小学的时候我被同学偷了。而且不止一回。我后来真的很害怕这位同学。我觉得自己之前只是一只很小很小的小鬼，但是这位同学却是一只道行很高很高的妖精呀。其实我后来总结了一下，自己是很容易被偷的。我记性不好，容易丢三落四，而且个性太单纯了，人家说什么我信什么。

我仍然记得我第一天去上学的时候有多么的忐忑不安。不要说别的了，就是语言我也听不懂。我看到爸爸跟老师说话就感觉爸爸在把我卖给这个白头发的老女人一样。我记得我是带着一本小型中英字典去上学的。当我做下来了之后发觉自己就跟在中国的幼儿园差不多，大家的座位就跟在幼儿园玩儿团团坐吃果果的游戏一样三三五五扎蹲儿的排列。我一开始没有座位，就在教室后面临时的课桌上坐着，把字典放在桌子上，两眼无神地呆坐着。我记得那只妖精，哦不，那个同学在第一天就过来跟我说话。其实我听懂她说什么了，她问我需不需要帮助。我心里想我现在没事儿可干，但也不至于陷入困境当中吧。但我的样子可能太呆了，所以她把英文的help在字典里找了出来给我。如果我们在拍电影，这就应该是我们的邂逅吧。

但没过多久我就发觉她是只妖精。老师把她安排在了我座位的旁边。我首次发现她是妖精是因为她偷了我的笔。被我发现后她在笔上用涂改液涂了一道，然后指给我看说你看，你的上面没有白白的吧，这是我的才有。我当时没买她面子，说我看到你在上面涂了。其实我没看到，只是猜的。我觉得因为自己是小鬼所以懂得妖精的心里动态，所以就猜到她会这么做去掩饰自己的恶行。我猜得特别准，我马上看到她眼神开始闪烁，开始编谎。我心里有点儿过意不去，觉得不就是一杆笔么，有什么大不了的呀，就算是我给她的好了。于是我装作听不懂她说话，开始自己在金字典上面玩游戏。金字典是当时的后妈（现在的前任后妈）买的电子词典。由于是上面是中文操作系统，所以她根本看不懂我也懒得理她。

对于妖精的放纵的下场就是妖精对我的变本加厉。她后来变得什么都偷，糖，护唇膏，橡皮泥，手工玩具等等。后来比较严重的一次是我在家忽然后妈问我要金字典查东西，我才发觉自己找不到。被爸爸训了一顿后我告诉爸爸应该落在学校了。第二天到学校我找了好久都找不到，真正开始慌了。结果第二天妖精于心不忍告诉我她在某某地方捡到了。这当然是谎言，捡到了怎么不还给我呢，这又不是一杆笔可以说以为是别人的。不过无所谓了，反正金字典与她只是破铜烂铁，与我可是很重要的宝贝。我还是很感谢她还给了我。不过从那天开始我就把金字典还给后妈了。我开始觉得自己不能拥有太昂贵的东西，甚至不能对身外之物有太多的感情，否则失去会是一件很难过的事情。

学校每年都会在夏天组织卖巧克力。我现在想起来其实就是不用付钱的童工。我也不明白为什么大家那么想给学校卖巧克力。哦对了，我想起来，似乎是卖完一袋子就可以参加抽奖，一袋子就相当于一票。头奖是自行车。我跟当时同班的好朋友一起参加了。我卖了大概有两袋子吧。我把钱、中午饭票、跟自带的巧克力棒糖都放在了午饭包里。我的午饭包很可爱，印有加菲猫图案。（我不知道为什么要加这么一句，我只是忽然回想了起来觉得有必要提一下，但其实跟要讲的故事是没有关联的。）午饭的时候我打开一看，所有的东西都没有了。我当时整个人慌了，本来阳光灿烂的一天突然阴沉了起来。那天回家我不知道该如何是好所以就跟后妈的爸爸撒谎说学校需要个什么费用要多少多少钱。我没跟爸爸跟后妈要因为感觉后妈的爸爸比较好骗。（我也不知道当时自己的逻辑为什么会这样。）

一个星期过后，我跟好朋友在我同桌，也就是妖精的抽屉里发现了残留的钱，跟吃了一半儿的巧克力糖。我们翻她的抽屉是因为她那天用我的饭票买饭。我以小鬼对妖精的直觉察觉那是自己的饭票。当时老师总会因为孩子表现突出而给免费饭票，饭票一般都是不同颜色的，大概有五、六种。妖精那天用的饭票颜色恰恰就是我不见了的那张。她当时抽屉里剩下的钱大概有三分之一，我就都拿走了。这也是被好友支持的。我们坚信老师不会为我们做主，所以就自己做主了。

那只妖精后来转学了，转学的原因是因为她偷老师的钱被老师发现了。告诉我们的那个女生还跟我们说她早就发觉那个同学不对劲儿了。我在心里暗暗地想，狗屁啊是我最先察觉到这只妖精的存在的！

小学最后一年的某日老师在班里遗憾地告诉我们那只妖精因为奶奶过世所以要跟唯一的姐姐进领养所。我当时突然觉得这一切都有了答案。也突然觉得一直包容妖精是应该的。妖精原来没有父母，一直跟姐姐还有奶奶生活。也许生活不是很好吧所以才要偷东西。我认为可有可无的在她眼里可能是很了不得的东西吧。其实我都无从得知。但我一直以来都没有怨恨过妖精，只是有点儿怕她。就是那种以道行比我高的态度来仰视她。老师给我们的新闻就好像照妖镜一样，让我发觉妖精的原型其实是个可怜的孩子。

我在想啊，说谎不是我的错，其实一直都不是的。是让我有说谎念头的大人们的错。为什么我从小就觉得不能够跟他们坦白交代呢？是的，我想我直到现在都是一个别扭的小孩。我永远都不会勇于承认错误。被抓到弱点后永远都会笨拙地掩饰自己然后被严酷地剥夺说谎的权利。

偷偷地告诉你吧，其实我现在仍然动不动就说谎。比如妈妈回家后问我吃了没有，我会骗她说吃了。但往往最后仍然会被拉来一起吃。我常常想如果她无论我回答什么都会拉我吃饭那么还问我干什么呢。不懂大人的世界啊我。

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Dog Park!

I went with Jerry, Peter, and Rebecca to Sunnybrook Park. We brought our dogs so that they could hang out together at the leash free zone in the park. Needless to say the dogs were all super happy!

 

dog park

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When is it the right time to let go of someone?

One day before my last final exam I received a surprise email from my ex-boyfriend. Just like the first email he sent me after we broke up, it stirred up various kinds of feelings. I delayed my response to that email until I finished my algorithms exam.

I’ve always wondered why people say first love is the most memorable one. I’m still not quite sure why, but it surely is hard to forget. Even after I’ve moved on and dating other guys, I’d still sub-consciously compare the guy I’m seeing with the guy I’ve first dated. No good will come out of this, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doing so. And when I’m not dating, he’d pop into my head whenever I’m dazed out or feeling vulnerable. At first I get frustrated, then I begin to get used to it. Perhaps it’s because somewhere inside of me I still couldn’t let go of him, or perhaps it’s just because of that saying, that he’s my first love.

Our break up ended on a bad note. He came over to waterloo to visit me, but in the conversation of how to deal with long distance I said perhaps we should just break up. It dragged on until we arrived in Toronto, then in phone call and then later some back and forth in the emails. That break up drained a lot out of me, but I know it had left a greater impact on him. I can’t exactly say that the fact that it didn’t work out is my fault. I didn’t cheat on him and I didn’t really change my feelings towards him. But I did change, I’ve grown up. Even though I don’t think it was my fault that I had hurt him so badly, I still couldn’t help but to feel sorry. It was more than sorry on my part as well, because I also felt that I’ve lost someone who used to be the most important person in my life. (I’m starting to cry as I write this.. but I think it’s time to let it go.) For weeks afterwards I can’t feel happiness when I’m laughing; I can’t focus on things I used to enjoy doing; and mostly I just felt empty inside, as if I’m not sure where I’m going anymore.

A year after the break up, I received an email from him. That email literally made me feel warm inside. He told me that he read over all the emails I’ve sent him over the years we’ve dated and that he concluded he realized my change, which he did not notice at the time of the break up. He wished me all the best and wanted that email to be a closure. I felt relieved after reading it because I always thought that he hates me after the break up. He really spoiled me as a boyfriend and as an ex-boyfriend. Always carefully considered how I’d feel. When we were dating he made sure I feel safe and secure with him, spoiled me like a princess, and was always thoughtful. Then after we broke up, his email made me guilt free. It almost should’ve been a happy ending.

But it wasn’t. Even though I received that ever so lovely email, I figure that he’s still not fully okay. I’m not sure how I get that feeling, but I did. So I’d occasionally ask his best friend/roommate after high school, Lobsang about him. It’s a mixture of feelings when I heard from Lobsang that he’s been seeing another girl. Just as Terry said, it wasn’t like a feeling of jealousy, but rather a feeling of loss – as if something that used to belong to you and now can never be regained. But I also felt happy for him and relieved for myself. On the contrary, when I heard that it didn’t work out, nothing much occurred in my thought process.

The email that I talked about in the beginning of this entry would be the email that confirmed my feeling that he was still not ok. I purposely wrote a very cold reply talking about my current relationship with Jim knowing that it’ll hurt him. I’d never consider myself to be a cold hearted person, but when I was writing it, I am firmly telling myself that I need to be for this time. If there is anything that I can still do for him, it would be this. I can’t tell him anything related with how I feel, it’ll be the best for him to just know that I’ve moved on. Anything else would just make things more complicated.

For everything I do, be it something awful, something embarrassing, something adventurous, something stressful, something heart-warming, I want it to be memorable. When I chose forest over plains in that famous quiz I tell my friends, I am willingly choosing a life of ups and downs. I believe memory is the most wonderful gift that you can give to yourself. But I couldn’t help but to wonder, when is the right time to let go of someone?

In those romance stories, the main characters never let go of each other, even through years of departure. They will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. In books, the longer the couple depart, the more memorable it is when they reunite knowing that the feelings haven’t changed, not even a bit. But in real life, how should the story end? The fact is, when I broke up with him, I know that even though I still have feelings for him there would be no way for us to work out in the future. In the process of growing up, I not just learned about things written in books, I’ve also learned more about myself. Going to university had definitely sped this up. In the process of getting to know the people there I came to a self-epiphany in reflection. I realized that being able to communicate well is crucial in my relationship with others, especially to the one I deeply care about. Due to the difference in background and the Chinese language barrier, I couldn’t see that happening between him and I. Thus I know this will hurt us more in the long run if I didn’t break it off then. This would be the right time to physically let go of someone.

But in terms of emotional letting go of someone, there could be a million hypothesis in when the right time is, but there would be no way to actually carry that out. Because of the fact that we can’t control how we feel. I can delay my emotions and I can suppress it well under certain conditions through practise, but I can never change how I feel just based on the idea that it would be the right time to change it. There are things that I could do to fasten this process however, which I’ve done. I’ve moved on by dating other people and opening myself up to friends. I can’t say how much of what I’ve changed were due to this, but it did help. I’ve reduced the chances of him popping into my mind and almost diminished comparing him with others.

One of his flaws has always been the lack of knowing what he wants in life. He can’t seem to set up a goal for himself and even if he did so he fails in finding a way to achieve that goal. In the email I wrote to him I wished that he could find that pathway. Then hopefully along that pathway there awaits a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. 🙂

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New Look =P

I’ve updated my wordpress to the lastest available, which is version 2.5~~~

On a side note, I got bored of the old layout and chose to use the current one instead.. again needed to fix a lot of the things, but it turned out pretty good looking 😉

So I’ve finally finished all of my exams and I can finally truly welcoming summer now =D
Can’t wait to go back to Toronto!!!!

王菀之 – 怎么会寂寞
作词：JJ　作曲：王菀之
飞机一落地
与你零距离
这颗心不再相距
说好一分离
心情没力气
激情却之剩消极
我太渴望你的依偎
你给我的机会
好象永远都不对味
那是谁的不对
我继续又憔悴
心碎你也无所谓
爱情自己收回别太自以为
你不过只是
其中讨厌的一个
让我彻底崩溃忘了啥是对
寂寞空空的
在心里作祟
再一个人万岁
只不过自我陶醉
忘了我是谁
给自己安慰怎么会寂寞怎么会
分离我情意
脱离离开你
也不过是刚好而已
飞机一落地
明明没距离
我们从此不再相聚
我太渴望你的依偎
你给我的机会
好象永远都不对味
那是谁的不对
我继续又憔悴
心碎你也无所谓
爱情自己收回别太自以为
你不过只是
其中讨厌的一个
让我彻底崩溃忘了啥是对
寂寞空空的
在心里作祟
再一个人万岁
只不过自我陶醉
忘了我是谁
给自己安慰怎么会寂寞怎么会

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(L） China (L) Tibet (L) Everyone

我实在忍不住了。虽然已经为此跟很多人倔过了，虽然读了不少有关新闻也读了不少人对此的看法，我仍然坚信自己还有一些别人没说过的。很没有自知之明的，我了解。我刚刚一直在想应该用英文写还是中文写？真的是不好办，我很想用英文写，因为这样我身边的西藏朋友跟从小在外国长大不了解中国文化的朋友也可以读了。但是后来又想了想，如果用英文写，我中国的朋友就不甚了了了。之前给一个我大学的留学生发了一篇一位外国教师写的看法，是我认为写得不算太片面的。但很可惜的他说他英文不是很好，所以里面大部分的东西都读得很吃力。我想要写这篇文章的主要目的还是针对中国人的，所以反复思索后我决定用中文写。

从前两天开始msn上就开始了(L) China活动，说是活动其实就是把这样的字眼放在msn上而已。 我简单的看了一下，有在中国的，有在法国的，有在台湾香港的，有在加拿大的，还有在美国的华人。从我msn上乍一看，红红的一顺，好不壮观。原来爱国真的很简单。我以前一直烦恼在没有战争的时候该怎样重现一个人的爱国精神呢？原来只要在msn上把名字改改就好了。我一直没有人云亦云的原因是，我虽然在这边有很多不同种族的朋友，其中包括很多西藏人而他们也一直坚持free tibet信念，但我仍然认为西藏就是中国的一部分，所以说两者是不可分开的。我一开始到加拿大还会拒绝称呼西藏人、台湾人、香港人tibetan, taiwanese, cantonese。这是因为我打小在中国就是被教育成这些人都是中国人的缘故，所以我纳闷儿啊，为什么不叫他们chinese就好了呢？在这边区分得可仔细了呢，我算是mandarin from mainland china，也就是说普通话从大陆来的。虽然过了不久我就被西化了，也开始用这些词来概括一个人的背景。但是我心里仍然是雪亮的：西藏就是中国的一部分，西藏人就是中国人。那么这么一来msn上面针对西藏人的题词是不是就有点儿可笑了？如果是说我们爱中国的话，难道就不爱西藏了么？如果爱西藏，为什么偏偏要把不是西藏的中国挑出来爱呢？这样一来不就真的等于西藏中国不是一家人了么。

我纳闷儿啊，不仅仅是这些。 这些天来有关这事儿的报道还真是多。一个人就算不看电视不读新闻都略知一二。我一个在北京的小学同学告诉我现在北京已经严重到给每家每户发送条子说是没事儿不准出门儿了。让我不甚了解的是在外国的一些游行活动。真的是很壮观很伟大很漂亮呢。我在facebook上看了好多人照的照片了。我纳闷儿是因为他们似乎想要让cnn等西方媒体为此事件的报道道歉。道歉？有没有搞错啊。西方的报道向来是以负面为重的（不是说中国就不是了）。如果哪个国家稍微有点儿变态，那可狠骂了。连慈善机构都会骂的他们注重的就是言论自由。我记得去游行的这些青年都是很注重言论自由的啊，怎么现在又改变主意了。如果说哪里不注重言论自由，那绝对非中国莫属（当然日本对此也很在行）。记得我小时候对新闻联播的一贯印象就是中国地大物博人民团结友善，好强大的感觉。那么我就怀疑了，真正在中国的那些人根据他们的消息渠道知道的情况到底有多少？中国开放了多少媒体呢？

读了一些文章的报道后我感觉中国人对这件事情的态度无非就是，你骂我了所以我也要骂你。就算不当面骂你也不能去你那儿玩了。比较可笑的一些：不去法国超市了、不用名牌包了等等（跟之前抵触日本人而不买日本货的理由差不多）。丢不丢人啊，怎么看怎么像过家家的孩子。然后这篇报道实在让我忍无可忍了。这些反对一个大学女生的华人究竟跟在中国暴动的西藏人有何区别？如果真的想认识那些维护藏独的人，可以去我的中学Parkdale C. I.，那里还有专门的西藏俱乐部（Tibetan Club）呢。难道他们要闯进中学生的家里把人家在家供着的喇嘛给砸毁么？真的，我都觉得寒碜得慌。我一直觉得出国的孩子会更懂事儿，因为见识广了眼界宽了，但这件事情把我天真的想法踢飞了。

都说西方人不懂中国人的情况，所以才会盲目地支持西藏独立。但很少我会看到身边的中国人或是在中国的中国人去追究多种角度的看法。我认为对于类似的事情没有所谓的事实。如果想要了解情况，最多能够做到的就是以多种渠道跟不同背景的人，如西方人，或是在外国的西藏人的角度看待这件事情。哪怕只有五分钟也好，把中国人的身份丢掉去看待这件事情。这些中国人对这件事情的了解究竟有多少呢？就算我从中学开始就接触了不少西藏人，就算我读了不少关于他们的事情，我仍然觉得自己无法真正了解事实。但起码我尝试过了，起码我尽最大努力站在他们的角度看待这件事情了。这样的态度让我变得更加平和，也更加理智。作为一个中国人，我认为与其去追究为什么西方人支持西藏人（对此，我的 一位叔叔有他的看法），不如尝试去了解为什么西藏人会暴动。无风不起浪，我想除非不得已否则不会有这么多人去做一些明知会吃力不讨好的事情，不是么。

与其去压迫他人的说法，不如让自己更加深入讨论的话题。如果对一件事情有着不同的看法，作为看待此件事情的旁观者应当努力吸取更多的知识，而并非努力尝试让周围的人保持同样的看法。就是因为每个人的生活背景不同所以才会产生多样化的角度。就算是读同样的文字，看同样的画面，我们的眼睛都会捕捉到不同的细节，更何况是生活在完全不同世界的人们呢。我很喜欢我的西藏朋友Lobsang 所说的：“The way i see it, Susan, I want to work towards a better China. Since Tibet will be part of it, regardless whether I like it or not =P”。他是我的中学同学，目前在多伦多大学读法律。立志要当律师的他目前上大学之余还在多伦多一所律师行工作。那所律师行专门办理西藏人在加拿大的身份问题。他今天告诉我他下个学期要学习中文课。作为一个出生在尼泊尔的西藏人（他父母逃离西藏后居住在尼泊尔，后来用假的尼泊尔护照移民到加拿大），他都可以充实自己想着为中国做贡献，作为中国人的我们不更应该如此么？我向来对与自己相信的事情持有极度固执的心理。对于身边的西藏人，我曾尝试过让他们承认自己是中国人，但是后来我承认我失败了。我的出发点是很可笑的，我只是觉得他们不了解中国，却在最后讶然发觉不了解的人是我。我不了解中国，因为我不了解西藏。

更多有关此事的报道可以从这里阅读。

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Summer of 2008

  • horseback riding
  • swimming
  • rock climbing
  • camping
  • pick up flute
  • learning sewing stuffed animals
  • paint murals/designs
  • continue writing my novel
  • bake cake

There is also a high chance of mom and I moving to scarbo this summer. I’m so excited to design the walls in the new place~ I’ve always wanted to paint on walls.. I think I got that from the movie “50 First Dates”.

I’ll find out if I’ve been chosen to volunteer for Beijing Olympics by May, and if I did then I’ll probably go back to Beijing. If not, then probably not because ticket prices are jacked up so high.

I’m really looking forward to summer right now, like really really.. even though I still have one last exam on 21st, I’m already dreaming about being bathed in sunshine. I can’t wait to take Benben to the beach.. not sure if he’ll know how to swim.. maybe dogs are natural at it? Hopefully he won’t be scared of water.. it’d be funny if he does.. I bet if he does, Jim will drop him in the water 以示鼓励.. what a jerk..