说不上是什么感觉，稍许失落感。
我没有特别开心的感觉，我本来以为自己会很开心的，为他开心，为自己不必再自责开心。
但却没有。
我也没有特别难过。
脑海里虽然飞快地闪过了一连串的再也不能怎样怎样的想法了，却也都是旧言。
都是分手后已然闪过的句子。
容许我有些许的失落感吧，毕竟交往了那么久了。
就像terry说的，虽然不难过，却感觉好似再也不是自己的了也不能够回去了。
在心底小心地祝福他们。
我不在乎那个女孩是谁，不在乎她跟我有没有任何相似之处，我只希望她对他好，适合跟他在一起。
至少，比我适合。
暧昧
在看一个聊暧昧的节目。。
他们讲的每个例子都好像在我身上发生过地说。。
好恐怖，以后要注意。。。
it's snowing outside =D (a white little lie)
洗澡完后对着镜子我突然发现左耳上第三个耳洞因为长时期没有带耳钉儿竟然愈合了。而我，却没有了再次打通它的欲望。我突然发现跟第一个男朋友分手后我似乎就没有再在饰品上多做心思。那个时候我把他送给我的手镯、项链、戒指、手表等都放进了一个小盒子里。搬家后，也不知道丢在哪个角落了？我很懒，所以花心思在饰品上真的做不来。然而他当时却总是给我买饰品。我看着没有生命的它们，其实心底还是很喜欢的。因为漂亮咯。但是却没有喜欢将它们佩戴的打算。记得当时总是带上了就会忘记取下来。很多银质产品就这么被我毁了。没办法，生性如此。
分手后，我就不怎么带耳环了。其实这两者之间关系不大，但追忆起来，确实如此。也许是因为那段时间让我很消沉，所以提不起精神来打扮自己？谁知道呢。不过耳洞就这么愈合了，还是有点儿失落。我左边一共三个耳洞，现在只有第二个带着一个银质的心状耳钉儿。是跟thea在bitter sweet买的。当时买了一对儿，另外一只不见了。也许因为我的左耳跟右耳耳洞数量不同，所以我总是会把另外一只丢掉。其实，就算一样我也会弄丢，耳环这种小物件，让我带真的是奢侈，谁叫我爱乱丢东西。真希望有一个小巧的盒子能够让我安心存放这些小物件儿，因为真的很容易被我搞丢。
左耳孤零零的一个耳钉儿看起来好生寂寞哦。要不然在右耳再打穿一个吧？让它从左三右一转为左二右二。
这个学期快学完了呢。真是快啊。我真不明白为什么要让我这种懒人来编程，简直是胡闹嘛。不过既来之则安之，也实在懒得换专业。其实如果真得让我学习自己喜欢的专业，过不久我也会厌倦的。就像我跟jen说的，我这种人对自己的感觉不忠诚，时不时地就会改变看法，一点儿原则都没有。女人善变也应该有个谱儿啊，而我却总是像海底针一样。有时候连自己都讨厌自己这个样子，想一出儿是一出儿。这是北京话吧？想死北京了。我发现我有严重的恋旧癖好，总是觉得打哪儿出来的哪儿就是胜地。如果十年后我在北京一破烂儿小店里被迫上茅坑儿式样的厕所不知道我还会不会这样想？
人总是向往与于目前得不到的条件。要不说人贱呢。得了，我不贫了，还有cs作业要写呢，烦啊。
哭了
好久没哭过了。。
胸口很闷很闷。。
my escape from cs..
Rule #1:
If you open this you take it.
If you open this you take it.
Rule # 2:
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks
Rule #3:
Only answer True or False
Only answer True or False
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? – true
Q: Been arrested? – false
Q: Kissed someone you didn’t like? – false
Q: Do you like someone? – true
Q: Held a snake? – false
Q: Been suspended from school? – false
Q: Been fired from a job? – false
Q: Sang karaoke? – true
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? – true
Q: Laughed until you started crying? – true
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? – false
Q: Kissed in the rain? – true
Q: Sang in the shower? – true
Q: Sat on a roof top? – false, but i’d wanna try that sometimes =D
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? – false
Q: Broken a bone? – true
Q: Shaved your head? – false
Q: Played a prank on someone? – true
Q: Shot a gun? – false
Q: Donated Blood? – true
Q: Had your heart broken? – false
Q: Been arrested? – false
Q: Kissed someone you didn’t like? – false
Q: Do you like someone? – true
Q: Held a snake? – false
Q: Been suspended from school? – false
Q: Been fired from a job? – false
Q: Sang karaoke? – true
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? – true
Q: Laughed until you started crying? – true
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? – false
Q: Kissed in the rain? – true
Q: Sang in the shower? – true
Q: Sat on a roof top? – false, but i’d wanna try that sometimes =D
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? – false
Q: Broken a bone? – true
Q: Shaved your head? – false
Q: Played a prank on someone? – true
Q: Shot a gun? – false
Q: Donated Blood? – true
Q: Had your heart broken? – false
"Who was your last?"
just be 100% truthful
just be 100% truthful
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? if going to class count, then jenny
2. You texted? jim
3. You were in a car with? jim, adrian, niles
4. Went to the movies with? jim, peter, jerry, lawrence
5. You went to the shops with? jeremy
6. You talked on the phone? jim
7. Made you laugh? jenny
8. You hugged? tracy
9. You cried with? tracy
2. You texted? jim
3. You were in a car with? jim, adrian, niles
4. Went to the movies with? jim, peter, jerry, lawrence
5. You went to the shops with? jeremy
6. You talked on the phone? jim
7. Made you laugh? jenny
8. You hugged? tracy
9. You cried with? tracy
WOULD YOU RATHER
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? – nose
2. Die in a fire or get shot? – shot
2. Die in a fire or get shot? – shot
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY…
1. Sun or moon? – moon
2. Winter or Fall? – fall
3. Left or Right? – left
4. Sunny or rainy? – sunny
5. Where do u live? – toronto/waterloo
6. Club or pub? – pub
7. Are there 1 or 2 ppl who u can always trust and rely on? – yes
8. Do you want to get married? – when im 25
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? – twirl, who cuts spaghetti…
10. What time is it? – 7:07pm
11. Are u afraid of commitment? – sorta
12. Are you gonna have an 18th party? – O_O "gonna?!" how old do you think i am?
13. Do You cook? – or else i starve
14. Current mood? – ok-ish, i’d be much more happy if i dun have to do cs246s proj
2. Winter or Fall? – fall
3. Left or Right? – left
4. Sunny or rainy? – sunny
5. Where do u live? – toronto/waterloo
6. Club or pub? – pub
7. Are there 1 or 2 ppl who u can always trust and rely on? – yes
8. Do you want to get married? – when im 25
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? – twirl, who cuts spaghetti…
10. What time is it? – 7:07pm
11. Are u afraid of commitment? – sorta
12. Are you gonna have an 18th party? – O_O "gonna?!" how old do you think i am?
13. Do You cook? – or else i starve
14. Current mood? – ok-ish, i’d be much more happy if i dun have to do cs246s proj
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU…
1. Kissed someone? – no
2. Sang? – yes
3. Listened to music? – yes
4. Seen someone you care a lot about? – yes
5. Danced Crazy? – no
6. Cried? – no
7. Like someone you can’t have? – no
2. Sang? – yes
3. Listened to music? – yes
4. Seen someone you care a lot about? – yes
5. Danced Crazy? – no
6. Cried? – no
7. Like someone you can’t have? – no
Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? – hows that possible
How do you flush the toilet in public? – i didnt know there are multiple ways?
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? – yes
Do you have a crush on someone? – no
Name one thing you worry about running out of? – nothing
What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? – no one, im too special
What is your favorite pizza topping? – cheese
Do you crack your knuckles? – no, its creepy
What song do you hate the most? – cant really think of one
Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? –
What are your super powers? i have none..*cries*
Peppermint or spearmint? – spearmint
Where are your car keys? – in ur pocket
Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? – if i name them, then it makes me wanna nag them to do it..and nagging is bad…
What’s your most annoying habit? – biting stuff, i broke a glass cup once and cut my lips..
Where did you last go on vacation? – beijing
What is your best physical feature? – errr *skipped*
What CD is closest to you right now? – at jennys place right now, no idea where the cds are
What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? – ice, frozen food, icecream
What superstition do you believe/practice? – none
What color are your bed sheets? – blue
Would you rather be a fish or a bird? – bird
Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? – i dont drive
What are your favorite sayings? – eh?
What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? – er ge
If you could go back or forward in time, where would you go? – no.. im happy with the present
What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? – eh?
What CD is in your stereo? – not sure, i dont remember
What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes? – erm .. i think you live in the past man
How many kids do you plan on having? – two+
If you could kiss anyone who would it be? – sleeping beauty
What do you do when no one is watching? – change
If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be you? – dunno
Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? – latter
Coffee or Tea? – with milk and sugar, both is fine
Favorite musician(s)/bands you’ve seen in concert? only been to classical concerts
Have you ever been in love? – can you define love for me?
Do you talk to yourself? – yes
1. What do you obsess about? – dunno
2. What do you do for a living? – programming (omg.. this is so sad)
3. Where do you call home? – nowhere, need to create my own home
4. Have you lived up to your parents’ expectations? – no
5. Are we more likely to find you in a coffee bar or a nightclub? – neither
1. If you were a nocturnal animal, what nocturnal animal would you be? – cat
2. Which is better: to obey the law to avoid punishment, to obey the law because the law makes sense, or to obey the law because everyone should? – why am i limited to "obey the law"
3. Who is your favorite all time movie villian? – dont have one
4. Are any kind of ethics involved in wearing a hat? – huh..
5. When is the best time for you to take a 20 minute nap? – anytime
桃色名单
茨维塔耶娃，俄国女诗人。我曾经把她写的一首诗转贴了过来，因为里面描写的情景让我有了恋爱的冲动。可谁知道，这位才华横溢的女诗人满单子的桃花却一生未能品尝爱情的甜味。听起来很讽刺不是么？桃色名单，桃色名单，听起来浪漫且美妙的一个词组，是不是每个崇尚长大的女孩梦寐以求渴望拥有的一个名单？
对于美丽一词的设定，我坚信是愚蠢的。美丽与否，只要能够得到其在乎之人的认可就可以了。罗拉说，我漂亮么？我不知道。但是我有能力令他神魂颠倒，那就足够了。茨维塔耶娃，是相当有魅力的女性，一生当中也不凡有拜服在她的石榴裙下的男士，却为何，偏偏为何，没有完美的罗曼史？
也许我错了，她爱过，只是未曾幸福过。但我却迟疑了，难道爱情不等于幸福么？幸福究竟是什么？我们应该都曾爱过，被爱过，或者正在享受着爱与被爱，我们幸福么？
爱在大学中，爱在我们80年末的孩子堆中，是不被看好的。因为我们大多不成熟，连自己是怎样的一个人都没有摸清楚，何谈去认识并了解另一个人？大多数的大学情侣需要的是激情。因为这种感觉可以让他们在冷淡的大学中暖和一些。他们傻乎乎的伸出手，向那些个他们看的顺眼的人伸出手。手的彼端若也怀有相同的念头，桃色名单就要添加一笔粉墨了。
茨维塔耶娃爱的不是某个人，而是爱情，是她心目中理想的爱情，是她一直追寻的爱情。她享受过程，享受引诱那个人上钩的一瞬间，享受最后心碎的一霎那。她的诗，犀利而伤感，透彻而感人。她的诗，是从那一次次被伤害后的恋情中提炼出来的果实。
当桃色名单被列出来时，我们会讶然与那些曾经令我们心跳不已的人而今是如此的贫乏无味。难怪有些人称恋爱为化学反映，药效过后了无痕迹。当我们累了厌了倦了的时候，就该长大了。因为只有长大了，才会更加清楚地了解自己。换言之，长大令我们更聪明。像蝴蝶一样，退去毛毛虫的外壳。茨维塔耶娃，她长大了么？长大了，才会幸福。
以前在blog上面曾经转贴的那首诗：
我想和你一起生活
茨维塔耶娃
……我想和你一起生活
在某个小镇，
共享无尽的黄昏
和绵绵不绝的钟声。
在这个小镇的旅店里——
古老时钟敲出的
微弱响声
像时间轻轻滴落。
有时候，在黄昏，自顶楼某个房间传来
笛声，
吹笛者倚著窗牖，
而窗口大朵郁金香。
此刻你若不爱我，我也不会在意。
在房间中央，一个磁砖砌成的炉子，
每一块磁砖上画著一幅画：
一颗心，一艘帆船，一朵玫瑰。
而自我们唯一的窗户张望，
雪，雪，雪。
你会躺成我喜欢的姿势：
慵懒，淡然，冷漠。
一两回点燃火柴的
刺耳声。
你香烟的火苗由旺转弱，
烟的末梢颤抖著，颤抖著
短小灰白的烟蒂——连灰烬
你都懒得弹落——
香烟遂飞舞进火中。
麻雀儿
刚刚看到五舅妈寄过来的一些妈妈在中国的照片，看起来气色还不错，心安一些。
妈妈在家里也是最矮的。好失败哦，为什么姥爷家其他人都那么高呐。。老天爷不公平哦。。。
五舅整个儿比我妈高一个头。。而凯亚明明比我小两岁，个子却已经190了，而且还在长哦！整个人状得一塌糊涂，又是一个抱篮球长大的孩子。。。
哎哟哎哟，也许我的孩子会比较高，也许姥爷的优良基因会隔代遗传？
好吧好吧，希望如此咯。。
singles and couples
i just realized something..
when you are in a relationship and you are with the person you are in that relationship with, you either hang with him/her inclusively, or you hang with other couples.. a circle of couples and singles will always create awkward moments or unsatisfying whines (either from singles or couples; there may be noises coming from both sides, go figure)
even when the circle consists of both singles and couples, the couples will still try to maintain the one to one ratio of boys and girls.. it just never works out when you realized that you are in a group of couples while you are single or vice versa, awkward needless to say..
i couldnt help but to wonder: is it a social constraint for single people to conform to couples by a certain age? when we were little, as far as i know, growing up in a family with chinese traditions and backgrounds, dating at an early age was considered almost a forbidden act.. when though, shall we progress from that ancient view to a more modern approach? shall we consider the beginning of our university/college lives being a brand new millennium for the freedom of dating? what exactly happened when we entered that 20-something boundary?
yet again, i realize that this only applies to a certain group of people with certain backgrounds.. and im just being wordy for the sake of it..
姥爷的遗愿
五舅妈刚刚告诉我，姥爷的遗愿是要和我妈妈的生母合葬在一起。他不希望有葬礼，只希望能够跟我的亲生姥姥合葬。看着五舅妈寄过来的照片，其中有姥爷的遗照，在家里为他所设的灵堂，我又难过地哭了。唐灵说，我的姥爷一定是一个正直的人，无论去了哪里都不会受苦的。我也是这么想的。虽然姥爷现在走了，其实他依然活在很多人的心里。他那张总是带着开朗笑容的脸孔，将会一直伴随着我。
我目前担心的，是我妈。别看她表面坚强，其实每逢这种时刻她是最脆弱的。我很怕她会自己一个人越想越伤感，越想越把自己封闭起来。她特别容易钻牛角尖儿，一钻一个准儿。这种时刻我最怕的就是她胡思乱想。担心哪，却不能回去陪她。只希望在北京的亲人能够将她从悲伤中解脱出来。让她现在分心去想一些其他的事情，将会是最好的良药。
姥爷的遗愿让我很感动。不希望有葬礼，是因为不希望大家难过，不希望自己的过世造成任何麻烦。他要跟我亲生姥姥合葬的遗愿也是经过了姥姥的同意才决定下来的，很是感人。我从未见过我的亲生姥姥，只知道她习医，是很聪明的女性。从妈妈的言语当中，依稀能够感觉到姥姥的温存，却从未真正了解过她。但是，我相信她在世时是很幸福的，因为就连过世26年之久，都仍然被姥爷挂念于心。合葬，这是多么浪漫的遗愿。
我衷心祝福他们在另一个世界平安快乐。是谁说死亡是终点站的呢？
姥爷，我爱你，希望你能听得到我的祝福。
眼睛总是湿湿的，孙女儿没用，但是仍然能够从模糊的视线中隐约瞄到你的神采。
这神采是不会改变的。
姥爷走了。。
从始至终我都因为妈妈而保持着极度正面的态度，一直以来我都开朗地说姥爷不会有事的，他很坚强，会挺过去的。却没有想到原来人在现实中真的是残酷地脆弱得可怕。我好害怕老一辈的人会一个接一个地离去，却猛然发现这是成长的必然。生老病死，这都是无可奈何的事情，却为何在离别这个词语上添上一笔浓厚的悲伤墨迹？为什么理智上我可以承认这是非常普遍的现象，心理上却承受不了？
头就像被埋在了炎热夏季干涩的土里生被闷出了一头汗，呼吸进来的都是残渣，眼睛也掉进了黑暗。头疼得厉害，眼泪也止不住地淌在脸颊上。我可以看到自己的理智在魂游太空，飘在空中不知何去何从。我的定力不够深，我现在唯一想到做的就是给中国的家人打电话寻求安慰。但我却明确地了解在这个时刻每个人的心灵都很脆弱，都需要安慰。我应该做的是坚强起来，给妈妈打电话，让她不要太难过。不知道她现在情况如何，令人担心哪。。