There are two kinds of men that I admire. One of them is a man who’s single and knows how to handle a rejection. The other is a man who’s involved and knows how to initiate a rejection.
TYPE I
I really have no clue why people would trash their ex, or simply the person who they went after but didn’t succeed. Because wouldn’t trashing them involve trashing yourself? I mean, after all, you were the one who went after that other person. So if that person really isn’t good enough for you, why would you fall for it anyway. How stupid does that make you, huh?
Over the years, I’ve heard certain things from the guys who I rejected said to others about me. Oh yea, people gossip about things like that, which is how I get to hear the things that I’m not supposed to. Some of which are understandable, but others were just plain stupid. There was this one comment that almost made me laugh. It was in Chinese, pretty much a pun intended joke commenting on I don’t eat so I’m skinny as a twig. I get that they were trying to make fun of me and trying to be offensive, but it’s not even achieving its original purpose. Because I’m not skinny and I do eat… if anything, Jim thinks I’m pretty chubby for an Asian girl.
I don’t like meeting strangers knowing that they might know some guy who I rejected before. Because I’m paranoid that these strangers might have heard something about me that I’m not aware of. But that’s my problem to deal with. I realize that if they get to know me better then they’d know the real me, and if they don’t then they’re just strangers and I shouldn’t care how a stranger thinks about me. But it still bugs me. I’d be lying if I said I never care how strangers think of me. And I think everyone cares to a certain degree. But I just feel there’s no need trash talk the person who you once felt attracted to. I’m going to quote Russel Peters, but in a totally different context intended, “Be a man! Do the right thing!” say it with a Chinese accent. 😛
TYPE II
The other kind is rather what I think all boyfriends should do. It’s probably harder for long distance relationships and the ones with lots of temptations. And I’m probably too naive to say this, but I do feel when two people are involved in a relationship, they should be faithful to each other. I think it is natural to feel being physically attracted to others, but underneath it all, it shouldn’t be worth it to risk your current relationship.
I hear stories about my friends’ boyfriends where they’d say things like, “I didn’t like her, she liked me; I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me; I didn’t take off her clothes, she took them off, I didn’t sleep with her, she slept with me…” They just don’t have the guts to admit that they did something wrong. They’d say sorry and doesn’t even know what they did wrong. They’d beg for forgiveness and the next time use the same excuses again. The excuse that they think never goes old is: I didn’t do anything! What they don’t realize is that’s what they’re doing wrong. They should have done something, they should have said NO! They should have been able to tell when the time is to draw the line.
It’s funny how my mom’s boyfriend has the same issue. This is what happens when you have a single mother who’s been involved in a relationship for 8 years and still hasn’t gotten married yet – you need to have a talk with the boyfriend. And that’s exactly what I did. Out of everything we’ve talked about, one of which is how he flirts with other women and it always pisses my mom off. It shocked me how a 40-something-year-old man doesn’t know when to say stop.
So there they are. Men who I admire, hopefully I’ll get to see more of them.
i think fidelity is an underpinning in a relationship. it’s not a relationship if the guy cheats on you multiple times; it should be a give that he should be faith, and the other way around.
i don’t admire men who are faithful because i believe that’s what they should be. i look down on men who cheat and don’t say no. It’s not like they don’t know how, they choose not to, which upsets me.
i have a different view on this.. perhaps it’s because it happened to some people in my family yet they still made it to work and they’re both great people, so i feel that sometimes, under certain circumstances, people do cheat..
for women it could be because they are far away from their loved one and they feel emotional vulnerable so they just wanted someone more than a friend to them.. and for men it could just be mere temptation, their biological needs, physical attraction, etc..
you know the famous saying “if you didn’t get caught, then it’s not cheating”? i think many of us subconsciously get attracted to people other than our partner, and that thought cannot be caught, so thus it is not cheating.. the actual cheating occurs when people cannot suppress their inner self.. the key part here is whether they know they’re wrong or not.. the ones who never admit that they’re wrong are not worthy of keeping their loved ones, whereas the ones who knew they were wrong but couldn’t help due to other reasons, i think those are forgivable.. but that’s just my view on it..
ps-because i have a pretty messed up family, i get to listen to many family secrets.. which made me realize that no one is perfect, including the ones you love and look up to.. i don’t think my family is queer or anything, i just think the ones with “perfect families” don’t know their family secrets.. i’m quite pessimistic, aren’t i.. lol
Is it wrong to know you’re wrong and repeat the same mistake for whatever reason; is it wrong to not know you’re wrong and keep doing the wrong thing. Which is worse and more wrong?
And what if he voluntarily confesses even when he is not caught, does that make it better? And what if he keeps on doing it, does that still make it forgivable?
I just need to clear things up because I mostly agree with Lynn for I think it is pretty much a socially accepted standard that a guy should stick to his commitment and there’s nothing worth praising about. But that’s just the general ethics, and I know quite a few guys who do things very differently, with girls who share the same view. I don’t look “down” on them per se, but I’d hate to see it become the general trend.
I don’t believe that people can remain to be physically attracted to their partners for as long as the rest of their lives.. in many situations, in order to make the relationship/marriage work, you need a great deal of forgiveness..
I don’t think it’s wrong for a person in a relationship to feel attracted to someone else; I think it’s wrong if they acted on their feelings; I think it’s forgivable if they come back to their partners and confess that they’re wrong and want to move on with their partners.. However, it’s up to the partners to decide whether they can trust them again..
Personally, I’d think the most I can take is once.. if it occurs more than once then I probably can’t trust him again..
I don’t think there’s a general trend.. I just think people are not perfect and it’s easy to fall for temptations sometimes.. but it doesn’t make them bad people.. it’s really up to me how I deal with their weakness..
I really do think that most of the times, people would be happier if they just step back a little and learn to forgive and forget.. (not just on this matter)
I mostly agree with Susan, no one is perfect, we all have ‘wrong’ thoughts at times, not just on this matter, some people might not even think it’s wrong to have attractions to another other than their partners, like me, I think it’s pretty normal, it’s just a matter of self control, knowing in your heart what the right thing is and don’t cross the line.
This reminds me of an article I read. It’s written by a guy who got a divorce because he was having an affair with someone who’s at least 15 years younger. He couldn’t end the affair because he was sexually attracted to her and being with her made him feel young, even though he fully understands that he owes to his wife a lot; that she sacrificed a lot for his career and their kid. But the mistress started asking for marriage and such. So in the end he got a divorce and married her.
But this new marriage didn’t work out so well. They were constantly fighting because he is always thinking about his wife and child, whom he felt like he abandoned. Hence, they split up and divorced. So at the time of writing, he is waiting for his wife to forgive him.
I can’t find any empathy for him at all. And the point of his article is to tell others not to do the same. I think that was the most shocking thing about the article. It makes it seem like something that happens a lot. “Don’t do drugs, look at what happened to me”.
There are a lot of things when you first heard of them, you felt shocking. Only because you feel like no one you know has experienced it. But that’s limited to your knowledge of the people around you. The truth is, it might have happened to your peers, it’s just that they didn’t tell you because they didn’t feel you could understand. The world seems so peaceful the moment before things started to go wrong. And it’s hard to imagine them without first hand experience.
I have to say, it wasn’t until much later until I realized my family isn’t normal. Because I lived in it, so I didn’t feel like it’s abnormal. But when I did, it helped me. It helped me to see the world better, with a different perspective. It helped me to relate to more people, people who are having trouble dealing with their own problems. It helped me to realize that the things they show in tv drama are real, inspired from real life stories. It’s sad, but true, nothings really original.
I was just telling my friend the other day when he told me what happened in his family.. that our parents are only human, they’re only doing things that they think align with their own happiness. Everyones selfish, including them. Most of them raised us and stayed with their wives because thats what they felt made them happy. They feel responsible for raising us, but they’d only do it if it doesn’t conflict with their own interest.
I’m not saying all these things because I’m cynical or I think the world is a bad place. I tend to think the best of everyone, but these are the things I keep in mind when something do go wrong. It helps me to get over these things and move on with my life. It helps me to forgive people and make my own life happier. 🙂
That is very true … My first experience with something like this is only three months ago when my friend. That was my one and only time hearing someone going through a divorce. And so I can’t put myself in that guy’s shoe (from the article), knowing what it would do to the rest of the family. With so little exposure to things like this, I don’t think I can forgive anyone or anyone’s parents…
But I really believe, not everyone’s selfish. There are those that put their kids before them. There are those that even put their friends before them (as bad as what that implies). And I feel ashamed, that I can’t do what they do.